Wednesday, December 29, 2010

When to say "no" to getting your blood drawn

A friend was telling me about these horrible shots she gets in her thumbs last night, it sounds like pure torture. The experience makes the grown men with her pass out, and/or throw up. It had me thinking about a recent experience I had getting my blood drawn, which made me think about an experience I had many years ago getting my blood drawn. (Though neither experience remotely compares to her shots).

Many years ago I went to the hospital with my mother-in-law. When we got to go back with the nurse, my mother-in-law rudely informed the nurse that she was saying my name wrong. I immediately defended the nurse and apologized for my mother-in-law's rude behavior. (I also took the opportunity to remind the woman that this was NOT my actual mother) My mother-in-law continued to be rude and I continued to apologize for her, ask her to stop, and tried to smooth things over with the nurse. Later, when the nurse had to take my blood, I said "Can't you just take hers please?" (referring to my mother-in-law) and the nurse said "I'd LOVE to". So, never be rude to someone who may be poking you with a needle later.

A few weeks ago I had to have blood work done. I don't know where my brain was that day, because all of the signs were there that I should NOT allow the woman to take blood from me. Our interaction pretty much went like this...
"I only get one chance, I only get one chance" said the lady as she poked around painfully on my arm with her fingernails.
"They never have problems taking my blood, they say I have juicy veins" I innocently stated.
"one chance is all I get, one chance, then I have to give you to someone else" states the now psychotic lady.
So..this went on for a while. She was actually hurting me with her poking and prodding on my arm. She repeated her mantra over and over. How could I have been too stupid to say "GET SOMEONE ELSE"?? So, when she did finally take out her butcher knife and bludgeon it into my arm repeatedly (ok, I'm exaggerating at this point), it hurt! I was actually breathless at this point. She wandered off to find someone else. The new lady came over, recognized me from previous visits, and said "Oh, you're easy to get blood from". I looked at her pleadingly and tried to tell her via eye contact that the other lady was the devil. The other lady lurked over us and refused to leave. The new lady took blood from my remaining arm and I didn't feel a thing!

So, if you are ever having blood drawn, if the person shows signs of not knowing how to do it....get someone else!!! If you are with someone who is incredibly your best to side with the future blood taker!

That's my lesson for the morning.
Ms X

Monday, December 27, 2010

I've been bad.

It's true. I've been very naughty. Let me explain. First of all, I broke my phone. I really did! I'd been admiring the droids, really wanting to have one of my own. I admit, the kindle application was one of the features that most appealed to me. Though there were many things that appealed to me about it. So, I broke down and got one this weekend, because I needed a working phone, why not get the one I want? Consider it my Christmas gift to myself. I desperately tried to get the "2nd one free" for hubby. I tried and tried, they just couldn't do it. He's not eligible for an upgrade for several months. He now has serious "phone envy" and has been sulking. A lot. I'm not allowed to talk about my phone or be excited about it, due to his phone envy. So, anyway. You know my unnatural relationship with my I-pod touch? I think I'm over it now. Yes, really! I now have a disturbing relationship with my droid. I like to look at it. I like to touch it. I have it with me everywhere I go. In my truck I have a special "pedestal" for it that it charges in and I can talk on it via speaker while it sits there. I can even play music on it while it sits in its little pedestal. I think I've developed tourettes syndrome. I randomly make strange noises when I think about it or look at it. I blurt out things when I get excited. I'm pretty sure what has developed here is even more unhealthy than my previous relationship with my I-pod. Even though my son has been on my I-pod almost constantly, either reading or playing games. I know it's mad at me for leaving it behind and betraying it. I feel guilty. Then I look at my droid and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. As I type, my droid is sitting comfortably on my chest, warm and cozy. I have considered taking up knitting so I can make it little clothes. I think I'll attach special pockets to everything I wear. Yes, I am aware that I am not right in the head. I'm reminded of this daily by those who love me most. I'm ok with that. I get excited every time I get on my droid and learn new things about how to use it. I like taking it for rides in the car. I'm keeping the existence of my beloved droid a secret from most people, even members of my house. This is making my relationship even more awkward and difficult. I think it will survive, I really love it.
Ms X

Friday, November 26, 2010

Purple Saturday

Ok, sorry, I like purple and it is now officially Saturday. Just something other than "black Friday" to look at. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I need to figure out what to cook tomorrow that has NOTHING to do with anything we ate for Thanksgiving! I was thinking of things to do with the turkey pot pie...maybe I can get away with that.

I got tested for RA today, I'll know sometime next week if I have it. May have Osteo too. Who knows. I'll have it all figured out sooner or later. The first lady that went to take my blood today has clearly only drawn blood on hard plastic mannequins before. There really were several things that should have given me a clue that she was not yet competent in the blood drawing part of her job. She kept repeating "I only get one chance" to herself, and to me. I've NEVER heard one of them say that before. I really should have asked why she was saying that. Then she was running her fingers along my vein and pushing hard, she did that for about 2 minutes and it hurt too (all the while saying "I only get one chance, I only get one chance". Then, when she finally did stick me, I had to force myself to not fly out of the chair...OMG it hurt! Then she said "Well, it's not working, I have to find someone else" and got me a lady I've had many times. I tried to communicate with the lady I've had before via eye contact. The other lady lurked around and "observed" her doing it. I think the lady I've had before got what I was trying to say. (which was...Oh my GOD this lady is an idiot!) But, she stuck me in my other arm and got two vials out of me without hurting me at all. The doctor I saw today thinks I have RA and Osteo arthritis too, I was telling him about what's been going on with me. I was telling him how my back is, how my knees and feet and wrists are, etc. He thinks my ankle is a bad sprain. I asked him if I could still go walking through the forest this weekend, then we both laughed when I realized how absurd that sounded. I don't know if I'll be able to do it this weekend or not, I went to the store to get a birthday gift for my Godson's birthday party tomorrow and my foot/ankle were throbbing when I was done. So, I'll see how I feel after his "safari in the park" party tomorrow.

I sure do love having a LONG weekend. Can we get weekends like this every week? I'd like to put in a request! I do think I have another person living in my house now, I'm pretty sure of it. So, that brings us up to 7 people here. We're catching up to the animals! LOL

Well, I have been babbling and rambling but as usual, not saying a whole lot. Did I mention I'm usually well medicated when I blog? Earlier I was playing board games with my daughter's and a friend and they told me I acted like I was high. Well, now, that's lovely! I make myself sound like a drug addict, I'm really not. I don't take them as often as prescribed and would love another alternative. I used to be someone who wouldn't take ANYTHING. I would love to be drug and pain free. I would also love to be debt free! Oh how I would love that!!! My debts suck. A lot. I am SOOO sick of the struggle.

Okay, enough whining for now.
Ms X

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Just checking in

I hope this post finds everyone well. I keep meaning to blog but my mind races and jumps around and I think about it when I'm not near a computer. I really don't have much to say, I have a lot to say, but, it would take up too much time. I am thinking about getting rid of this blog. But, now isn't the time for me to decide. Just wanted to stop in and say a quick hello!
Ms X

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween! This is probably the first year I actually kind of got into it and liked it in many years. I was pleasantly surprised that the children, of all ages, were mostly polite. I enjoyed seeing the children in their costumes. I got to see two of my old daycare children and really enjoyed that! They are still as adorable as ever!!

I was in a super hyper mood tonight, worse than the children that are all sugared up!! Ok, well, I hope everyone had a great Halloween..tomorrow starts NOVEMBER. That means I get Veteran's day off, and also Thanksgiving and the day after! Yay! While I'm at it, I'll be winning the lottery in November. ;)
Ms X

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tomorrow is Friday!

Here I go, writing while medicated again. Good grief! Took me 4 tries to type the title correctly. LOL. My last post was rather lengthy, I apologize if I ramble and repeat myself. I had a LONG day at work, only been home an hour, it's 10pm. I don't know why this thing never reflects the actual time I post, but, it doesn't matter. Probably a time zone thing or something. The meeting this morning went well. Got back from that and took daughter back to doctor to make sure her arm isn't broken. No, I didn't beat the older one up. The younger one hurt herself in cheerleading and sprained it, I was just concerned that it was mis-diagnosed after everyone told me their own horror stories. My own doctor said it's fine, I trust him.'s telling me there are a lot of typos, I'm usually an anal freak about spelling and grammar but will try not to care tonight!! Anyway, was hoping to go home early today. But, we had a meeting after work that none of us knew about! Yay us! So, I go back after my daughter's appointment and immediately got sent into a classroom. It was infants, and they are VERY cute! As much as I adore them, I would rather have gone home. But, anyway, after I was done working in the infant room, it was almost time for the meeting. I have great co-workers. Thank God for that, but, would still rather have been home. My family foraged and ate leftovers because I didn't plan for the meeting and got home so late. Poor family! I got a hug from my son, who is now asleep. Yelled at the oldest on the phone on the way home. sigh. My other daughter is asleep too. I love my family, I love being with my family. I hate not getting to see them. I don't understand how so many people don't enjoy being with their children. When my husband had my daughter at my job today after her appointment, I was upset because she's not allowed in the infant room. She loves all of the kids and loves babies, but, it's a rule that the "younger" kids can't be in there. She's 14, she's 6' tall, she's been raised around other people's children. Really?? She is CPR and first aid certified. So, she has to hang out in my office if I'm in that room.
So, I don't know if I'm going to be a hippie, or just wear my pajamas to work. If I wear my pajamas, and can find my missing "rocker boot" I'll also bring a teddy bear and my monkey snuggie. Otherwise I can wear my tie dye shirt and try to find other hippie stuff. Should have thought of this sooner. Sigh. I had ideas. I work in a daycare. An evil bunny was one of them, a co-worker was willing to join me. I could be Santa Clause, but, should have thought of that before I finally had my face waxed. Nothing like confusing the kids. I do have a long red sweatshirt thing and red pajama pants that match each other...hmmm...and somewhere I have one of those hats...
A co-worker and I are going to write a Squirrel book together. I came up with all of the ideas, it's hysterical. It's a book kids would like but adults would get what's actually funny about it, kind of like a Disney movie. The weird thing is, after this book idea I have come (randomly) across tons of squirrel pictures on places like facebook. Then, a squirrel actually started coming into our yard and eating out of our hands. How weird is that??? The person working on it with me is a great artist. I'm not. Can't wait to have time for our book!
I miss my mom. A lot. It's so weird. There's just this big hole there forever now. I've lost a lot of other people that I cared about, I've shed tears for them many times and have had dreams about them. One of them is my aunt, my cousin posted an old picture of her tonight and I thought about how much I always loved her. My "grandma" died on Christmas day 2 (or 3) years ago, her passing has been the source of many tears. My "grandpa" died 9 years ago. There have been others. But, the point is, no matter how much I've thought about them, cried, had dreams, etc, nothing has compared to my mom. I don't even know how other people can deal with the losses they go through. I don't want to ever have to know. I know several people who have suffered multiple losses. I know people who've lost spouses, children, both parents, siblings, etc. My heart breaks every time someone loses someone, especially now. Someone I don't particularly like lost her brother recently. I had met him before, it broke my heart when she lost him. I know so many strong people who have been through so much more than me. They all keep me going. I know some amazing people who I adore, many of them are much older than me. Of course, we all know, just because they're older, doesn't mean I will outlive them. Though I'd prefer they live to be 130 and I live to be 100+. I always think about those people who get really old and outlive all of their descendants.
I'm SO babbling. I got a B+ in my class. Gotta send MORE stuff to them for financial aid. OMG that drives me INSANE! It had the wrong date on it when I faxed it, really??? So, yeah. I should have it straightened out and will start my next class within the next couple of weeks.
Ok, so, thanks to all of you who read my blog, I really love getting feedback and appreciate it! are awesome! You ALWAYS make me laugh and I love you dearly!!! There have been several times I've laughed so hard I've cried while talking to you online, my family thought I was insane. How I wish we lived closer so we could get together in person!!!!
Ms X

Friday, October 22, 2010


Hello! How is everyone?? I keep thinking about blogging but I'm never actually near the computer when I think about it. Doesn't it always work that way? I think of plenty of things to write about while in the shower or driving.

I just finished a class this week, yahoo, yay me! I haven't got my grade back yet, I probably got a B though. I should have got an A but had a lot going on. When DON'T I have a lot going on? I enjoyed the class, wish it could have gone on longer. I often feel that way at the end of a class, that I wish it had gone on longer.

I've been at work a lot more hours than I would like, it's been around 40 a week. That's normal for most people. I had originally agreed to work for her if I worked mostly from home. I also said I did not want to work in the classroom. Now I work only from work, am often in the classroom, and I'm pretty much on a schedule. I have so many things that aren't getting done. By the time I get home I am in a lot of pain, a lot. I am supposed to see a gyn for a serious problem I've been having, I haven't been able to make the appointment yet and now it looks like I'm about to run into a problem because I wasn't able to go.

This week I have a lot going on at work that I have to be there for, something I MUST fax out and the fax was down today, a class I absolutely MUST be in for work, and my son's teacher wants a conference. I have stuff I need to fax for my financial aid, or I'll lose it and won't be able to continue with my classes, our ink is out here and it's been a mess trying to get that done. I think I have all of my paperwork together, then I am missing something, then I have to find a way to get it printed, etc. Then, at work they lost my copy of my college diploma and CDA. So, I'll be digging for those things, as well as my High school diploma that I think is in the attic. To think I used to be meticulously organized. sigh.

I'm still struggling and finding ways to pay all my bills, it's nuts. Hubby is retired military, works two jobs, I work full time, we both go to school, and we live paycheck to paycheck, struggling to make our bills. Yes, we have been fools in the past and now have the debt to prove it!! There are definitely some things I would do differently if given the chance! In the past two months I have had two of my payroll checks from my boss bounce. That has caused some humiliation and problems. She has reimbursed me though. I have to get all of the documentation to prove to her what all of the charges were. I need to get printer ink, huh?

I really do have a "to do" list ten miles long. My list of things to pay and things I need to be able to pay for is even longer. My list of doctor's appointments I need to make is pretty darn long too. When I had home daycare, when the children napped in the afternoons I was able to make phone calls, pay bills, clean, etc. I did laundry while they were here, I started dinner while they were here. They would do something at the table while I made dinner. I was also here when my children came home. I knew there were a lot of advantages to working from home, I really miss that ability now. I loved the kids I had, and love the kids at the daycare I'm at now. I won't go back to home daycare for a lot of reasons. I do wish I were in a better situation at work now though. My boss and former best friend was in a mood with me again today where she seemed like she hated me. She was fine with everyone else. It was such a contrast it was pretty blatant to me. I LOVE my co-workers a lot. I love my job when I can actually do it. She makes a lot of things complicated for a lot of people. I'm worried she's going to get taken to jail because of the many checks she's bounced. There just always seems to be so much going on there, and here too.

My mother in law is back from rehab. My girls liked saying she was in rehab. LOL. My oldest had a surprise birthday party Tuesday, well, her friend had it for her and I helped her friend a lot. It was on a boat that the friend paid an astronomical amount of money for. It was a beautiful night and we all had fun. But, she didn't do the best job in the way she invited people and only 13 people were there. My daughter is currently at another party that she planned for herself right now. She brought her cousin home with her, my daughter got dressed all up in a new outfit she just bought, and ran out the door holding the extra cake I bought for the other party. Well, I hope they take pictures.

There's NEVER a dull moment in my house, EVER. I'd love to have one once in a while! The other day I was getting ready for work and my oldest daughter broke it to me that she has a girlfriend. No matter how much you support your gay and lesbian friends, when it's your child, all you can think about is how much they'll have to deal with from it. Of course, it wasn't a surprise. In fact, she came to me and said "I have something to tell you but I think you already know". I said "What, you have a girlfriend?" So, I am still getting ready for work, processing the confirmation of what I suspected, and my other daughter texts me saying her school is on fire. Well, it ended up being ok and after a couple of hours the kids all went back in the building. I guess there was an alarm pulled and a bomb threat. Nice. So, this was all before work. There's always drama unfolding at work. Like the day someone got fired, that wasn't pretty. So, anyway, I ended up going to work, but wishing I could crawl into a corner and eat my hair.

Today my husband called me at work and yelled at me. Then I don't know why my boss was having issues with me, she was hardly there today. She gets like that with me. Then, I was leaving work and was on the phone with hubby and he yelled at me again on the phone, and hung up on me. Before he eventually got home he texted me and apologized for it, but, it really sucks when you have days like that. Two of the ladies that are both around 70 fell at work today. But, on the bright side, there are so many adorable babies and children that smile and melt my heart. I admit, I have my favorites. Though they are all adorable. I like the infant room the best, there are a few in there that light up and love on me when I hold them. Nothing beats that! I guess I can say the same thing about the ones in the toddler room, there are some in there that give the best hugs!

My weight was down a few more pounds when I weighed myself last week. I haven't weighed myself this week yet. I have a new mole on my face...EUWW...Why Why Why me??? Also, if my daughter doesn't wax my eyebrows and mustache this weekend like I've been begging her to do, I'll be mistaken for chewbacca when we have our pictures professionally done at work this week. That could be is almost halloween...hmmm...the potential. Actually, I asked a fellow co-worker if she wanted to be evil bunnies with me for Halloween. If my costume frightens the children, I'll get sent home! K...I guess I'll close for now.
Ms X

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Ok, this is a random rant. I hate bra manufacturers. I am very fat but have very small boobs. I finally broke down and ordered a size B cup in a 50 inch circumference. It swallows my boobs! It has underwire and padding, which had me all excited, but, it's HUGE. Really?? Last time I checked...a B cup is NOT that big!! Do they just not understand that concept? Also, in the pictures, the women had cleavage. Yes I thought...cleavage! Nope. The material, as usual, covers me up. But, it doesn't go up to my neck as half of them do. Most of my shirts are HUGE up top and sag so I have to wear a tank top under them. I try really hard to get clothing that fits properly, it's almost impossible, if not impossible. I have a big butt, big belly, and small boobs. I wanted a bra that would present the girls and make them feel sexy, well, my girls are disappointed again. They are destined to be swallowed up in fabric, swaddled like little twin babies. (one of them is bigger than the other, but, that's a whole other subject) Why can't I have a pretty, sexy, fitting bra with support, padding, and cleavage???? People who aren't fat get the bras that push up the girls, provide padding, and expose lots of skin. UGH! My husband even said he'd make me bras! That could be fun, but, it will cost a lot of money. We could make some cute ones though!! Ok, done ranting.
Ms X

Monday, September 13, 2010


Hi everyone! How are you doing? I haven't blogged in forever. I realize that my blog is the most boring blog I've seen, considering how obnoxious and goofy I's strange!

This week is 3 months since my mom passed. This has been a very painful journey. I miss her so much. I'm happy to say that I have good days, they're not all bad days anymore. I miss her and think of her daily, but I do have days, even weeks, where I cry a lot. I know my previous sentence was written wrong, but I don't care. But, I miss mom a lot. My brother, who is up where she lived, missed her as much. He and I have really gotten close. He called the other night and both of us had been having a very hard night, we seem to have bad days on the same days. Mom's boyfriend and his family have been jerks about things. They made up "boxes" of her stuff for us, but a lot of it is giving us back our own pictures and stuff. Mom would be sooo mad at how we're being treated. I wanted her t-shirts and stuff for my kids to wear, they want them too. My brother and his wife would like some too. I would love some of the jewelry she wore all the time like the mother's ring I bought her. God knows we'll never see any of the jewelry though. Her boyfriend and his daughters are taking what they want and selling the rest. I really wish I lived closer, I wished I'd lived closer when she was alive. I'm so glad that she and my brother had so much time together before she passed, I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the many hours I spent on the phone with her. It just wasn't enough. I wish I'd recorded every word she ever said. I wish I'd saved every word she ever wrote. I wish I had taken lots of pictures, and lots of pictures of her and I. I have very few of those. Every time I think of how much my heart is broken, I think about people who have lost a spouse, a child, both parents, a sibling, or multiple people in their families. There are a lot of amazingly strong people out there. My brothers ex-wife lost both her parents and a sister all within a few years. She was close to all of them. She's such a strong woman! But anyway, there are good days and bad days. It's hard to comprehend going the rest of my life without my mom. I see the strength in other people and know I can do it. I wish my kids had had more time with her, that there were more pictures of them with her. I told someone the other day that she needed to take pictures of herself with her mom and her children, she had posted pictures of her mom's birthday. She agreed and told me she'd make sure she's in pictures with everyone.

My daughter is a few weeks into her college classes and is doing great! She finally got a car (to replace the one she wrecked in the spring) and it needs repairs already. She's doing well working part time so she should have it fixed soon. My class starts tomorrow, I am excited. I take one at a time but it's considered full time because it's fast paced. It looks like it will be interesting, and a lot of work. My husband is doing well in his classes too, as usual. He's also working the full time and part time job. My 2nd daughter is getting As and Bs so far in 8th grade and is very busy with cheerleading and band. My son is enjoying 5th grade and told me today that he learned how adrenalin works, then asked me how tears worked. He said he knows we have tear ducts but how do they work? How do certain things make us cry. I love it when they're inquisitive! I'm working more part time hours than full time at my job, some days are 8 hour days but others are 5 or 6. I honestly feel like I still don't have enough hours in the day to do things.

My mother in law is still living with us but had knee surgery this week and is now in re-hab for 3 weeks. It's been interesting to say the least. But, I always look at how she feels and how it would feel to be in her shoes when I get irritated with things. I think this is the best place for her, it's a long story. I wish I had a much bigger house and no debt and lots of money, I can dream, right?

I'm still sleeping in the chair 99% of the time. I am still in chronic pain pretty much constantly. My neuropain is pretty bad most of the time. My sciatic pain can be too. Up and down my legs, especially my right knee, hurt. I have various weird aches and pains, jolts of pain, etc. My shoulders have been in knots. My head has been hurting a lot the past couple of days, and off and on. It's a long list, huh? To top it off, I keep burning myself in the kitchen. I have been trying to move around a lot more still to get my body moving, but it sure does hurt! The weather is getting cooler, I want to go outside and take walks. This heat is not my friend though. I have been going back and forth with the same 10 pounds. I'm on the lower end of it now. It's getting old though. Need to get the weight off. It hasn't been the center of my universe though. A lot of times I only eat to take my meds or because I feel like I'm starving or because my sugar gets low.

Anyway, I've rambled enough. For anyone that reads my blog, thank you! Oh..I read on my kindle application on my ipod touch at night, I often have insomnia. I've read a lot of good books on there. I just wanted to share, and if anyone has any book recommendations or recipes, I'd love to have them!
Ms X

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Broken heart

My mom passed away today. This really sucks, a lot. She passed away 9 hours ago and I just wish I could fall asleep now and stop hurting for the night. Everyone who knew mom is broken hearted today, we all love her and weren't ready for her to go. Mom was ready in the end, her body had just been through too much. I wish she could have stayed a lot longer. My birthday is a week from today, last year she was here for my birthday, she was supposed to be here again last week for my daughter's graduation. So, that's the last time we saw her, a year ago. Please have all of her loved ones in your prayers today.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Good grief!!!

Hi everyone, how is everyone doing? It's been REALLY crazy here and I'm really hoping it doesn't get any crazier! My daughter graduated from high school Thursday, that's a good thing. My mom has been in the hospital over 3 weeks now. Not a good thing. She has had a lot of problems while there, she needs a lot of prayer. She has been off of the sedation for the past couple of days, but has an infection, has had pneumonia, her kidneys have failed, etc. Good news, the pacemaker they had her on isn't needed anymore! It's been a rough ride for her, I'm praying she gets better soon.

My brother and his wife had moved in with mom (moving from state to state and setting up residence) a couple of months ago, before she found out she needed the surgery. Mom's boyfriend has been kind of losing it for the past couple of years and sits around not contributing in any way other than being cranky all the time. Literally, no exaggeration. So, anyway, my brother's wife broke her ankle really bad about 2 weeks before mom's surgery. My mom's boyfriend only has one leg and a lot of medical problems and (now) mental problems. So, the night before surgery mom's boyfriend was treating her badly and being nasty, and my brother told him to lay off, etc. They had a big blow out, the night before her open heart surgery. So, mom and brother went to the hospital together in the morning and spent time together before her surgery. Since she's been there, even while unconscious she would react to her boyfrien being there, her blood pressure would go up, etc. Last week when she was more awake, she'd get upset and my brother would have to calm her down. Mom's boyfriend's family hasn't been there to help him, bring him to the hospital, bring him to his own appointments, or anything. My brother has had to do it all. So, last week my brother was drunk, I know he was because he was a jerk to me on the phone (though he apologized later). I'm sure he ran his mouth, I'm sure he was rude to mom's boyfriend. But, he kicked my brother and his sleeping wife (who cannot walk) out. Mom's boyfriend's daughter, who had called me a week before and said she didn't think her dad was stable anymore, was there to help kick my brother out, most of mom's boyfriend's family, who never supports him anyway, was there, along with the police. My brother and his wife left without any incident. (my niece came and got them). So, when mom is all better, and out....she will be done with her boyfriend. So, anyway, there's been a lot of stress and drama with my brother, etc. He and I have talked at least daily about mom, she is our main concern. We both just want her to be better and are both having a hard time dealing with it.

Ok, so, back here on the home front. I've been having issues with my best friend/boss. Many others at work have been too, she's not been her normal self. I know, you should never work with or for a friend, got it. Anyway, I agreed to be her assistant teacher while she teaches a class this summer. Class starts tomorrow. She and I butted heads Friday over something already. I knew it was a bad idea and knew I'd end up teaching it, this whole thing goes against our original agreement anyway. But, I figured I'd do my best and just do what I have to do and teach the class for 10 weeks. I told her to call me so I'd know what's going on and what we're doing, told her I'd come out today and work (though I had no desire to do it) So, she calls today and has broken her leg, badly. Really bad. She is in the hospital and in a lot of pain, even on the meds that are making her groggy. She has surgery tomorrow and will be in the hospital at least tomorrow night too. Her office administrator has one week left and there is nobody in place to train. Another teacher is leaving in 2 weeks and there is nobody in line for her spot either. It's a MESS!!!! My oldest daughter and I both work there, my younger daughter and son will be there for the summer program (at least at this point). We all have to get up VERY early tomorrow and try to do some damage control and make things work. Yes, I still have the chronic pain, etc. I even went out and got myself a nice crispy sun burn this weekend. This ought to be fun! But, that's what you do, no matter what. Step in and do whatever you can for your friends. I have another friend that just had a hysterectomy and is in bad health that has to start taking care of children again tomorrow because she can't afford not to, there is no way I can do anything to help her during the day either. I have mom up there I cannot be with, this sucks! But, in spite of it all, I'm in fairly good spirits. Thanks to anyone that read this whole rant, thanks even more for anyone who is praying!
Ms X

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Still here!

I realized tonight that it's already been almost a month since I posted. Where does the time go? I've really been losing my mind lately. Mom has been in the hospital for 17 days now. I talked to her late into the night the night before surgery, I haven't talked to her since. It's been really crazy. There is so much going on in my life and all I want to do is see mom, to talk to her. She's many states away from me and I cannot afford to go see her. She has been heavily sedated until a few days ago and is still pretty much completely out of it. Apparently most of the people in her life have made comments about how they can't believe it that I'm not there. I love how there are a whole lot of people that talk about me that barely know me. On my husband's side of the family there's a lot of that going on too. I know these people also talk about just about everyone else too, but, it still bothers me. Why do people have to be that way? There are people who want to know every move I make, the "how's, why's" etc. Not because they care, but because they are bitter people that want to see that others are unhappy. But, back to the people that are near mom. There has been some drama regarding her boyfriend, and regarding the hospital giving authority to his children, etc. I just want mom to be healthy and happy, that is my concern. Why are there others out there who don't have her best interest in mind? I feel helpless here. I've begun talking to my brother daily, sometimes multiple times a day, because we are trying to look out for mom. We're mom's only 2 biological children, and I feel bad for my brother because he has a lot of stuff he's dealing with right now. That includes a wife that just broke her ankle in 3 places and needs his help, and mom's boyfriend who has multiple medical, and other, issues. My brother has been drinking a lot, which is not uncommon for him. I understand that's how he copes, or..doesn't cope, depending on your perspective. It's difficult for me to talk to him when he's like that for many reasons. With everything going on, I am having to face SOO many demons. In my own life, I have work stuff I'm dealing with, and tons of other stuff. I have a bunch of medical issues, plus I've had a very upset stomach, etc since mom's been sick. I've lost more weight, but, since I stopped getting sleep it has slowed down. I've had whole days where I just want to run away from it all. I usually talk to mom daily. I barely talk to or see my hubby. My two best of them has a new baby and is moving, etc, we barely talk. The other, we barely talk because she has a new business, etc. I feel so lost and alone half the time. Another good friend just had surgery and has been very pre-occupied, I'm more concerned about her health and well being and don't discuss my own stuff with her. My daughter graduates from high school this week. That's a hard one to believe! Mom was supposed to be here and mom was so upset that she wouldn't be, so is my daughter. We all are. We fly her down every year around this time, and have been planning for a year to have her here this week. It makes the graduation very bittersweet. I've been very emotional lately and some people are afraid to ask me about mom or anything out of fear that I'll break down. I am very tired right now, and took several medications for the pain that make me tired, unfortunately, most nights I don't see sleep until 4am. I bought a good book today, not a kindle book, a real book. One I know a long list of people will be reading when I'm through. Reading and writing have been helping me in a way nothing else can. There have been times that I cannot focus on one thing long enough to read and write, but, when I can, it takes me away. I started a story, I should spend more time with it because it's a lot of fun and everyone I've read it to really likes it a lot. Thanks for letting me rant. I always appreciate the feedback, it makes me feel good. :) I hope everyone is enjoying the (almost) summer!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Happy Memorial Day!

Happy Memorial Day to all! It's always good to remember those who have fought for our freedom. I hope everyone stays safe and has a great day. :)
There's been a lot going on, too much to tell. My mom has been in the hospital for over a week now, she had open heart surgery 10 days ago and has had a lot of complications. I haven't been able to talk to her since the night before her surgery. She has been sedated and just went on dialysis and had a temporary pacemaker put in within the past couple of days. The nurse tonight said she's doing excellent. I believe she's going to be fine, up until yesterday I wasn't sure what to think. There are a lot of people praying for her. I look forward to her healing.
I've been on my new shot thing for over 2 weeks now and I'm on the highest dosage now. Having some stomach issues and stuff but I'm otherwise doing ok. What I find is that I just don't want to eat much of the time, I will eat only because I need to take medication or get my shot. That's not such a bad side affect. I'm down over 10 pounds now. I haven't checked in the past couple of days. I'm only down 24 from my highest a few months ago, but, I look forward to losing the rest of this weight quicker now that I'm off the actos.
I started writing a story just for fun, just something I wanted to do. I have shown it to only a few people and they are all excited about it and can't wait for the next installment. I'm having so much fun with it, when I do allow myself to work on it. Everyone is telling me it would make a good book. I'm not sure what to think of that. I've always wanted to write a book, that's like my ultimate dream. I know my blog is so boring that nobody reads it, but, my book is actually funny. LOL I'm having fun with it, either way. I also thought of two other story ideas that I need to play around with too. Actually, I pretty much forgot one of them because I didn't write it down at the time. Am I the only person who does that???
My daughter graduates in 2 weeks. How did this happen? How did my oldest child grow up, and when? Wasn't it just yesterday that I graduated from High school?? I KNOW I'm not old, it's just so weird. I'm planning to win the lottery here soon, then we'll have a big huge graduation bash. Then we'll fly to mom's and have a big "welcome home" bash for her when she gets out of the hospital. I really want to see her, she's miles away.
Well, everyone have a great Memorial day!
Ms X

Monday, May 17, 2010

good..and bad...side effects

Update....after I took myself off the actos I was already down a few pounds the first few days. I went to the doctor and told him that I had taken myself off the actos and why. He did a few things on his laptop, said "I'll be back in a few" and left for several minutes. He comes back with some boxes and stuff and says "I have a deal for you" (or something like that). I said "Is that insulin?" He said "No, it's brand new, just on the market, one of the side effects is weight loss". I said "Is it a shot?" He said "yes". Long story short, he put me on victoza. I read the list of side effects, etc. So, I have been on the shot for several days. Not exactly feeling well today, but, I don't know if it's shot related or not. I was down another 5 pounds 2 days ago. With the actos I just pretty much stayed the same while I was taking it, after the initial weight gain, and eventual partial loss that is. For months my weight didn't move when it should have been, except the times I forgot to take it for a couple of days. So, anyway, time will tell. Weight loss isn't supposed to be a side effect till the 3rd week. I'm still in week 1. Another good thing is that moments of really low blood sugar don't occur on this med. I am still on metformin too, in fact, he increased it. I have a fasting blood test in 2 weeks. So, just some updates. I thank those of you who are still reading my blog, I really appreciate it!!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

meds causing more problems?

Hi! I have a question I'm hoping others can help with. I went on my diabetic meds a few months back. Just when I knew I should be dropping pounds, I gained. I later lost most of it but then just stayed the same. When I KNEW I should be dropping weight, it stayed the same. I forgot to take my actos for a couple of days and lost a couple of pounds. This weekend I forgot actos again for a couple of days, and was down 2 lbs today. After the indulgent weekend I had, my weight should have gone up, if anything. A co-worker told me she was on actos and gained 30 lbs. I really wonder now if the actos is causing more problems than it's helping. My doc also added metformin to my regimen. A friend looked up both meds today for me while I was at work and sent me links. Both of them have tons of bad side effects. I've been in a lot of pain daily. I have been very tired, thirsty, hungry, etc. My teeth (or gums) have been hurting, etc. My foot pain has been worse, even though the sugar is lower. I had my lowest recorded reading today, 103. But, a couple of hours before it was over 200, which is high for me nowadays. That was when I decided to take an actos, so, the actos clearly helps. However, my weight is dangerously high and needs to come down. I've changed enough things to know I would normally be dropping the weight off lately. Since every time I forget to take it, I drop pounds. So, now I am concerned that it is keeping me from losing weight, AND causing pain, tiredness, muscle soreness, teeth problems, etc. This really sucks! I've been trying to change things about myself and have been working outside of the home 5 days a week, been more active, eating less, etc. I'm in constant pain, am worn out easy, etc. I'd LOVE to be able to get better but losing weight is one of the first things I need to do. I plan to call my doctor tomorrow. He's right up the street from my work, I hope he takes me seriously and can HELP me. I have too many things I need to do, staying fat and miserable is not on my list.
Any suggestions or advice regarding the meds? I'm thinking of staying on metformin for now. I've tried to do natural things I've looked up, those didn't work for me.
Ms X

Friday, April 23, 2010

I'm back

Hi! I am writing this from my new laptop, I just got it tonight. I still feel sad about the old one, I miss her. The new one, it meets the criteria I needed it to meet, and it even feels good to type on. That may sound very strange, I am into sensory things, a lot. Typing on this just feels right to me, soothing even. We have "Avatar" on the big screen, I'm not paying too much attention to it. Some of the scenes are beautiful, I love the bright colors. They're gorgeous and vibrant. I'm wondering if there's a soundtrack, the music is peaceful.

Anyway. I haven't blogged much lately, but have had a lot of thoughts I wanted to write about. One thing on my mind the past few days is about my family. However, I honestly no longer remember who I've given my blog address to, and who I haven't. I never want to offend anyone, and I'm always worried about upsetting others. I'm still going to share my thoughts. So, if any of my siblings read my blog, you may want to stop reading now.

Growing up I was the youngest of 5 children. My three older sisters had a different mom than me. When she passed away from cancer, my dad married my mom a year or so later. They went on to have my brother, and then me. My parents divorced when I was 8, at that point my life changed drastically (but that's a whole different story). My siblings were 18, 17, 15 and 13 at that time. My 18 and 17 year old sisters had already ran away by then, though we always knew where they were. My 3 sisters were always very close to each other. They had their fights, like sisters do, but they were very close.

Ten years ago my sisters all had a big falling out. It was around that time that they all stopped talking to each other. It has been an ugly thing. The oldest lived out of the country for several years, and didn't tell the others she returned last year. She actually cut pretty much everyone in her life out completely. She kept in touch with me, and this past year decided to be my sister again, though I never knew I was ever NOT her sister. When she came to visit, she didn't want me to even mention the other sisters. It was very sad. The 2nd oldest sister actually seems like she'd consider reconnecting with the oldest, but, the oldest really freaks out when I mention anyone else. Neither of them want anything to do with the youngest (of those 3). The youngest actually cut me off a few years ago and sent me a nasty, hateful email filled with false accusations and evidence that she really didn't know me at all. She definitely has many mental problems. But, all of that being said, it all hurts me terribly. I saw some photos yesterday from when they were children, I bawled like a baby. When I realized yesterday just how raw and hurtful that is, I wondered how much it affects them, even though they try to cover it up? I used to pray about them all the time and spent a lot of energy on it, I have been so pre-occupied with the many other areas of my life, that I've just let it go. At least I thought I had. I also saw a picture with my dad in it, that's a whole other story by itself. I always keep in touch with him, and he has an open invitation to visit, but, I haven't seen him since I visited over 17 years ago. He hasn't seen most of my siblings in quite some time either, they've all pretty much cut him off too. So, obviously, I have a lot of unresolved issues. I really think it's sad that my sisters don't have each other anymore. It seems to me like they all have a big hole where the relationships used to be. I know I miss the one that cut me off, and I miss the way they used to be together.

I didn't mean to have yet another gloomy post, and I'm not even in a gloomy mood at the moment. I just felt inclined to share these thoughts. Maybe there's someone out there that can shed some light on things. I know I didn't give a lot of details, and maybe it was even confusing, but, it makes me feel better to get it off my chest anyway.

Ms X

Monday, April 12, 2010

I'm being naughty!

Did that grab your attention? Sorry, I'm not really being naughty. At least, I don't think I am. I should do something naughty. Hmmmm. I thought I'd jump on and update my blog, something I haven't done in a while. It's ok, I have a ton of things on my "to do" list that are waiting patiently on me. I hope everyone in "reader" land is doing well. Ok, I just made that up, or, I think I did. Yet again, I'm seriously lacking on creativity.

Most news is good news, well, the more I think about it, not necessarily. But, news regarding me is mostly good. Normally I whine and complain about my aches and pains. They're still there, and I definitely still know how to whine. We opened up the center!!! It's quite an adjustment for me to be working there instead of home, and I've been putting in a lot of hours. Even though I come home exhausted and in pain, I'm very happy!!! I would love to get a whole day off though, I've been there on weekends doing things too. My husband works his full time job (3rd shift right now) and then goes out to the center and works full time (or more) hours, then sleeps for a couple of hours and does it all over again. On his 2 days off from his normal job, he spends HOURS at the center. I'm REALLY hoping we have the weekend off this week, I am pretty sure we'll end up working on the website and stuff if we aren't out there though, I know things will slow down more soon. We just opened it, there's A LOT to be done. I say "we", it's not ours, but, we've been a huge part of it. It's very exciting. We have high standards and concepts and stuff that will really make us stand out as the place to go. It's all about the kids. We have some ADORABLE kids there too!!!

During this time, my daughter decided to crash her car. That was one of those phone calls I never wanted to get, but, I can't complain because she was the person who called me, and she wasn't hurt. There are worse phone calls to get. It was a single car accident, and her fault. She seems to have learned A LOT from this experience, I hope she doesn't forget a single thing she's learned. I've been hoping and praying she learned/learns a lot and that she has another vehicle soon, or gets that one fixed. It happened right after she got hired at the center, which is 20 minutes away. Since she goes to school all day, I'm already there when she comes in after school. So, we're hoping we can work something out soon. She graduates in June, so, she has a lot going on now.

My mom is having cataract surgery on her left eye this week, the other eye is in another couple of weeks. Next week she has a shunt put in through her groin to go up in her heart and look around (I think that's what they're doing and how it works), they are thinking they may have to do open heart surgery on her. I talked to her last night and her boyfriend got put in the hospital the night before. They were thinking it was a UTI, believe it or not. For those who pray, I would appreciate as many prayers as I can get for everyone I mentioned.

My mother-in-law moving in with us has been a blessing for all of us. She's a blessing to us, and her being here is a blessing to her. She's SO much happier here. She's been doing SO much around here, she's been just amazing. I can't say enough good things about her, I try to make sure I tell her and show her how much I appreciate her. I had her move in with us to help her, who knew it would help everyone!

Well, I could ramble on about things for EVER because I'm good at rambling. However, it isn't interesting and eventually won't make sense at all. If I actually GO TO BED I might get some good sleep before that blasted alarm rudely awakens me TOO early in the morning!!! This morning I was sleeping SO well I didn't even know I was in my chair and not my bed!! My chair is normally not comfortable, but, when I finally got to sleep, I was down pretty hard. So, hopefully tonight I will sleep well once I get there!! :)
I hope everyone is well, thanks for the prayers for those that pray.
Ms X

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Time to spring forward

Hello! Lame title, huh? Everyone teases me that this is my least favorite day of the year, the day we turn our clocks forward and lose an hour. UGH. Looks like I'll be right here to see it change on my laptop. Wow, how exciting! LOL

I have been up late a lot lately, I need to do something about it. Earlier I was really wired, my husband asked how much caffeine I had had. Sadly, I hadn't had any. I have really questioned my own sanity the last couple of days anyway. Yesterday during the middle of the day I suddenly got really sad and was bawling. My husband asked me what was wrong and I didn't know. I kept telling him that there was really nothing that had set me off, I was literally just very sad. It went on for a couple of hours. A lot of the time the past few days I have been highly irritable too. I've had a lot of issues with my sugar being low the past few days and my husband seems to think that every time I'm a "raging psycho" it directly correlates to my sugar. Unfortunately, I don't think it necessarily does.

There are a lot of things to be happy about, a lot of things that make me smile, things to be excited about. I have some VERY good friends and family that are wonderful and care a lot about me. I am SO excited about my job and my co-workers. I know that I am blessed in MANY ways.

I have had a lot of things to deal with that are very stressful too. My mom just got out of the hospital this week for one thing, and found out this week that she needs cataract surgery on both eyes (unrelated to the hospital stay). She will get them done one at a time, starting later this month. My mother-in-law has moved in with us, there is a lot to deal with there. I get frustrated a lot by a lot of things, but, I always try to consider how it feels to be in her shoes. (Hey, I just watched my clock go from 1:59 to 3:00) Dealing with each of my children has its challenges. Though I am blessed and I love them all. There's just a whole lot of stuff going on. All the way around.

Oh, I lost 4 pounds. I weighed myself today, after breakfast and a ton of water actually, and I'm 4 pounds down from the day I went to the doctor's office. Cool. My back has been hurting a lot the past few days, though not half as bad as it was for those months. Walking around the store today was really hurting, lifting my leg to put it into my truck hurt. Etc. Plus, the issues with the foot pain. Sciatic pain in my thigh isn't so bad, the knee hurts off and on the past couple of days. So, I'll be sleeping in my chair when I do attempt to go to bed eventually. Hopefully that will help. Hubby works 1st shift in a couple of hours, then tomorrow starts back on 3rd shift again. Another adjustment! It's one of several to come, but, I think it will all be a good thing once we get going.

Just wanted to share. Now I'm going to reserve all the Carrie Underwood CDs I can at the library because I just discovered I like her. Did you know you can listen to all of her songs on her website? I love modern technology!! I also love the things I can do at my library! I watched the Hangover last night, got it from the library, I thought it was funny. Warning, many would NOT find it funny. LOL

Well, I hope everyone is well!

Ms X

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Survey says....

Hello! I had my appointment today. It seems like it was pointless. The doctor said I can get steroid injections in my spine, I can go do physical therapy, I can get into an exercise plan and see a nutritionist. Oh, and, I need an MRI. Really? So, basically, when my doctor's office made this appointment, nothing was entered into the computers at all. They don't even have a copy of my x-ray, or anything. I told everyone I saw there today that I was told I could sign something and they could have my x-ray's sent, and my records. They never did bring me anything to sign (as far as patient records went). So, I feel like nothing was learned and my time was wasted. To them, I'm just another morbidly obese person.

After that, my boss wanted my hubby and I to stop over. We were there for a few hours with her and my future co-workers. I had more problems moving around and feeling ok there than I did at the appointment! How irritating!! We talked about having our own little weight watchers thing at work. I'm WAY bigger than everyone else there combined, but, there are some there that are doing weight watchers.

As for physical therapy, I am going to see if there's somewhere close I can do it. I am also considering talking to my old trainer and seeing if he'll help me with my back, exercises. My husband says he's afraid of him and doesn't want to get near him, the man is insane. But, he genuinely cares. If I can convince him that this is not "The Biggest Loser" and that I don't even WATCH that show, and that he needs to take it EASY on me, maybe I can work with him. I mean, really, I worked with him and got under 400 before. Then my husband came back from sea and insisted we go workout together and take TURNS. Yes, seriously. I was MISERABLE. I told my hubby I NEVER wanted to work out with him again. I liked to go and WORKOUT the whole time, not stop after each thing and watch him do it. It's not like we were spotting each other on free weights. That was over 5 years ago. When we moved into our house, we discovered that the trainer lives up the street from us. LOL. I walked into a (work related) training one night a couple of years ago and he was standing in front of the room. I went "Oh God no" and all of the innocent (home childcare) providers were looking up at me innocently with the "whatever can you mean?" looks on their faces. Two hours later we had one girl that had passed out, and the rest of them were pleading with their eyes and looking at him like he was the devil. Our normal trainers had to ask him to let us stop so we could proceed with our normal training. The thing about it is, back then I was only limited by fat being in the way, otherwise I could do the things he asked of me, and I always did. He would push me and push me. I don't even think shows like "The Biggest Loser" were out yet. Now, I do run into him on occasion, the funniest thing is that he has (on more than one occasion) been behind me in line at the grocery store. He buys all of the healthy, vibrant organic foods. I have crap. Now, in my defense...I was buying for a houseful of adults and children, the sodas and chips weren't for me. LOL. Now, give me something chocolate, give me comfort foods, hearty meals...I'm on it!!! It always made me laugh to have him behind me in line. So, I'm about to call him. May God be with me.

Oh..before I go...I was reading about a 700 lb woman online today, wow, there are SO many horrible comments on these articles!! People are vicious!! Every time I read the comments on these, it disturbs me.

I hope everyone is well, and thanks for your support. :)

Ms X

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I said "mama" not "drama"!!

I really did say I want my mama!!! There has been so much going on this past week, it's almost a blur! Drinking myself to unconsciousness or trying "special" brownies has never been more appealing!

My mother-in-law moved in with us Monday, which was also my son's birthday, this was pre-planned, and was something I decided we needed to do for her. I knew it would be a huge adjustment for all of us, but would be the best thing for her, and would even be a good thing for us. That's a very long story, but, she needs to be in a less hostile environment, among other things. With her comes her dog, I am pretty sure we are running an animal shelter here. Without the smells but with the noise and chaos. Yes, that brings our count to 4 small dogs, and 4 cats.

So, my own mother got put in the hospital on Tuesday. She had a very rough week but was sent home today. She lives several states away, so, I wasn't able to go see her. On Wednesday, my mother-in-law lost a very close friend, the woman was really like another family member to everyone. Even though the friend had been in very poor health for several years, and had been in the hospital close to death for several days, my mother-in-law had not prepared herself at all for her death and was completely shocked when it happened. The friend also lives several states away. Obesity ultimately killed her, by the way.

My husband has been telling me for weeks that he wants to step down from his supervisor position at work because they are "head hunting" there. He has spent a lot of time fighting for others to keep their jobs and not get fired. There has been a lot of stress coming out of that job for him lately. Several people have been fired, etc. So, Wednesday he calls me and says "I either need to step down, or I'm getting fired". Well, gee...if you put it that way...So, he knew I didn't want him to step down because if he steps down, who is going to fight for him, and everyone else? If he steps down, the good things he brings to the environment, as a lead, won't be there. Not to mention, it's a hefty pay cut. Obviously, a hefty pay cut is a huge deal, but, it's not my only concern. So, I find out that night that he didn't step down after all. But, unfortunately, the next day he was put on...I can't think of the word...but, put out of work for 3 days over something he didn't do, something nobody actually did. Something ridiculous. So, now he is getting an attorney involved, etc. I have been mega stressed over this. This alone would be more than enough to stress me out. The rest of the household doesn't even know this is going on. I'm thinking someone may notice his lack of going to work on days he normally would!

So, then there is the issue of my children. I won't even get into it but I have had multiple issues with the three of them all week. I've wanted to just crawl into a hole, unfortunately, I am too fat to fit.

Though the center is coming along great, the dates they gave us for being done didn't happen. I'm thinking we'll be able to start setting it up soon, but, I would be shocked if we could open by April 1st. My best friend, and owner, is really feeling some stress lately. She's got a lot going on anyway, and now she is losing business too. People were told we'd open March 1st. Now it will be at least April, at best. Now there are a lot of people who may not sign up that were going to, not to mention, we won't have a pre-kindergarten class at all until fall now. There are a lot of things that will cost her a lot of money happening now.

I finally have my pain management appointment on Tuesday, though I am very nervous about going. I am actually nervous about the drive there more than anything. Well, if my husband really is off, I guess that will be an opportunity for him to go with me! I'll be glad when the appointment is over though.

I have a "to do" list a MILE long for tomorrow. I also have actual work to get done for my job. I also have to work in my classes. I could employ a full time staff of 10 24/7 to do the things I need to get done, and they would stay busy for months. Yet, here I blog. Oh well, it keeps me sane. I may be the only one who even reads it.

My sugar levels have been all over the place, based on how I feel, and the readings I've had since I found my missing testing kits. My pain hasn't been constant, now that I think about it. When I am still, sometimes I am pain free. Though I have random things that flare up. Thank GOD though! I don't have any sciatic pain or foot pain at the moment. I have been having bad foot pain lately, and sciatic pain much of the time. My right knee/leg has been the worst thing, if I move it it hurts a lot, but, I can sit still and not feel pain. Of course, I am highly medicated as I say all of this. I noticed today that I walk almost normal (for me) now. So, though it was hurting a lot earlier, my leg is doing better. My back is better too. Ugh...I moved my leg and now I can feel the sciatic pain. I can also feel the pain in my foot. Well, it's obviously doing better though. There was nothing that would ease any of the pain before.

For anyone that might actually still be following my blog, I thank you. For anyone that made it through this long winded, boring post...I thank you!!!

Ms X

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Ten years!!

Hi all! Ten years ago tonight I was in labor. Actually, now that I think about it...ten years ago it was the 29th of February. But, I was in labor for 23 1/2 hours with my son. I cannot believe he'll be 10 tomorrow!! He's my baby too. Hard to believe. Time goes by so quickly.

Today he and I went to the movies, he'd been wanting to see the Percy Jackson movie since he read the books. It was a great movie! Then, all three of my kids, my husband, and I went to dinner. We had a nice time. My husband's birthday was Thursday, he and I went out with our really good friends to dinner that night, it was a nice time also.

I won't go on a tangent on how get togethers often rotate around food. My son had an intense basketball game yesterday, for kids that age they sure do have some amazing games! I've noticed that every boy on that team has experienced growth in some way in the past couple of months, even the ones who really knew how to play have learned how to be better team players or have gotten even better skills. My son had a great attitude, which is all I've been trying to teach him. He didn't want to go to the game, as usual I talked to him about how important his attitude is. It was amazing how well he did!! Then, he came out of there saying he likes basketball now! (on the way there he said he hated it) I knew my persistence in trying to teach him to have a good attitude, to be a team player, and to stick with it would pay off! They only have a couple more games, but I feel really good.

All three of our kids have been facing challenges lately. They are handling the things they are going through very well. I'm proud of them. My oldest has been dealing with a lot of stuff at work, she's really put up with a lot of garbage from a group of people that have no business running a business at all. My middle child has been telling me things the "coach" of most of the sports teams at her school has been saying and doing, and just found out she didn't make the softball team. It's a long story, but, it really does look as if this lady has it out for her. I am amazed at what I see adults do! My son, well, I thank God every day that he has the most awesome teacher on the planet, I love that woman, she's the greatest. She is an example of what teachers should be like, she has truly made a difference in my son's life, and in the life of my family. He's just dealing with the challenges of growing up, thankfully, no major challenges at the moment. He did get in trouble for behavior the other day, but, the teacher thinks it really was a matter of him being excited. In this case, I agree.

The business is coming along well, we will be opening very soon. We're excited and busy! My mother-in-law is officially going to be living with us full time starting tomorrow afternoon. Also, I have a pain management appointment on the 8th finally. I started a few more meds and one of them is finally available today.

I have been frustrated, yet mildly amused, at my ailments lately. I keep remembering the doctor when he told me that all of my other aches and pains, such as the knees, etc, could be related to my back. In fact, he insisted they probably are. Considering that my aches and pains have been random lately, I'll guess he's right. So, the past few days, my right knee, and the surrounding areas, have hurt A LOT. I look like an idiot when I try to walk. My husband says it looks like I'm trying to take flight between steps because of the way I move my arms when I'm limping. Earlier I had the pain in my feet, the knee/leg pain, and the screaming sciatic pain in my left thigh. I realized, at that moment, that my back hasn't really hurt today. Score one for the back! I think. I am amused because it's always something lately! The fact that my back hurt so much I could barely move, then it was sciatic pain, then it was a combination. Then the knee, which spread out. If it didn't hurt, it'd be an exploration, an adventure...what will we find next?? With everything else going on, I missed the open house at weight watchers, so, I'll just have to be a "normal" sign up. Oh, I'm down again. I had gained 10 lbs, which didn't make sense, then I dropped it again...Thank God!! My mom says it's probably the diabetes meds, it's a side affect.

Well, I am hoping I sleep well tonight, my husband and I haven't been sleeping well lately at all. My mask for sleep apnea has it's own issues, so I spend a lot of time lying awake, paranoid I'll wake him. I have various reasons I'm awake. He also snores like crazy and scares me all night with jerky movements and stuff. So, I'm hoping we all get enough sleep! LOL

Can you believe it's going to be March tomorrow?????? Wow!

Ms X

Sunday, February 21, 2010


Hi! I hope everyone is well. For those of you in the many states that have been covered in snow this winter, I am so sorry!! I am thinking by now, nobody thinks snow is very pretty anymore. I always say I'd like to see in at Christmas, and maybe play in it, then they can take it away. As unpredictable as the weather is here, at least I don't have to deal with snow, sleet, or ice. My kids have never had a snow day, though they've had hurricane days. Not this year though. I'm babbling.

I forgot to check and see what I talked about in my last blog. Well, the latest is that they finally found a place I can go to for pain management, they never could find a place for an mri, the first place they had for pain management ended up telling them they couldn't take me either. So, I have my initial consult on March 8th. My doctor also put me on 2 more meds for diabetes and high triglycerides, I haven't started them yet, I picked up one yesterday, the other they were out of. The sciatic pain has actually had its days where it's not constant and it's tolerable, yay!! Earlier today it was really bad, but, it's not ALWAYS bad anymore, that's a good thing! My back has been worse than it had been for a few weeks, but, it's not as bad as it was before the recliner. It's all really strange. Thank God nothing has been permanent other than the fact that a disk in my back is obviously messed up. I have not had any pain free days, but, I can't complain too much right now since everything has been worse than it is right now. I have had headaches from the time I wake up until I go to bed at night on several occasions, including yesterday. I'm not so sure what that is all about.

The weather has been great. The business is coming along very well. I'm very excited about that!! I had a bunch of stuff I thought about blogging about throughout the week but the meds are starting to kick in and make me groggy. Oh! I am going to start weight watchers soon. I am hoping to start next Saturday, they have been having open houses and I want to go to an open house and try to win something first. Is that super sad and pathetic of me??? I couldn't go yesterday because of the work meeting I was at for hours. So, that's the reason why I want to go on Saturday. I'm not even sure where I'll end up going and on which day. I have been trying to figure that out. They have a meeting at my doctor's office which is right down the street from where I'll be working every day starting in a couple weeks (when we open!!) It might be smart for me to make a point of going there, which is every Wednesday at 6. I'll figure it out soon.

:) Thanks to anyone who keeps up with my blog, I really appreciate it a lot!!! I know it's boring and I don't have witty, funny things to say. I swear, I really do have witty things to say at times!!!

Ms X

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Elephant man

No, I didn't meet him. I just kinda feel like him today. Wow, I just about had a panic attack because I couldn't change the color and style of my font before typing, I figured it out, and yes, I have issues. Perhaps I shouldn't blog while super doped up on pain meds, but, I'm anonymous to most who read it.

I have had several good cries today. Some profound thoughts, that have all gone away thanks to the pain meds. Too bad I can't get some pain relief AND think clearly. I have found myself to be HIGHLY irritable today, as well as extremely emotional and I've cried as often as I've freaked out and yelled at my dogs, and some humans. Of course, the dogs keep barking at every little thing they see or hear outside. I'm beginning to think that the de-barking surgery isn't so inhumane. Especially considering the other things I've thought of doing to the dogs today. I'm just sayin.

So, today I go to the doctor. I love that man. Apparently the pain management people won't take me either. I'm even too fat for them. I'm feeling the love. So, now he's looking into the mayo clinic's facilities. I did some blood work, and, as usual, when I went to pee in the cup, it fell in the toilet. At this size, I'm just not that capable of peeing in a cup without it causing some drama. I think I'll try that stupid thing next time that you put under the seat and then pour the pee into the cup. So, anyway, I then went to a "spa" place to get a product I've heard from friends works "great" called biofreeze. The people at the spa were polite to me, I'll give them that. But, I'm pretty sure the lady lied when she said she uses it on her own sciatic pain. Also, the whispers and look of fear in their eyes that I might request they massage me or something added to my feelings of being "elephant manish". Wow, the spell check thing is underlining words today! I'm not changing them either...I want them written that way! I was thinking that maybe getting my eyebrows waxed and stuff might make me feel a little better. She asked if I could come back tomorrow, no. So, one of these days I'll do it. Sometimes when I get them waxed the people treat me like a human, other times they act like they're afraid I'm contagious. I always shower and put on clean presentable clothing before going. I even brush my teeth and hair. I don't know if they're afraid I'm contagious, or if they're afraid I'll eat them.

Ok..random thought time...a few years ago my friend and I were getting Wendy's for our families. We each have 3 kids and a husband so the two of us were getting food for 10 people. My friend, at that time, was close to my size. So, we were both over 400 lbs. I could tell the people at the drive through were thinking it was for us so I was being obnoxious about it saying we were hungry and stuff like that. I thought it was hilarious. She didn't. Oh well. I thought I mine as well have fun with it.

Ok, so, anyway. Everywhere I went today I just felt like I was this grotesque freak. Wow, just had a flashback. Ok, I should really post old pictures of me, and even new ones. When I was in the Navy I was within weight standards and when I look back at pictures I looked GOOD. So, when I was on the ship, this one chick made "boom boom boom" noises every time I walked near her. She was really obnoxious about it and couldn't stand the fact that I existed. I had never done anything to her, but, she hated me. So, she always made it clear to me that I was a huge cow, heiffer, freak. It's so ironic to look back at things like that and then look at me now. I became what people like her told me I was then. I truly believed I was all of those things then. But, actually BEING that big, actually having the problems I have, all of it, it's not fun.

I was going to blog more, I had a lot to say today, but, I just can't think strait right now. I hope everyone is well.
Ms X

Friday, February 12, 2010


Hi all. I literally want to scream right now. I want to run around my back yard in the cold rain screaming at the top of my lungs. Due to many reasons, I will refrain. I'm so out of shape and uncoordinated, I wouldn't make it past the back patio before I would either be in a broken heap on the ground, or, panting like I ran a marathon. Sad, but true. Also, the screaming would attract unwanted attention. I'm also pretty sure my husband would videotape my fall, and then act like he doesn't know me when my screams alert the police.

I have been dealing with seriously intense, agonizing sciatic nerve pain. Who the heck came up with this? It's really not funny at all. My left thigh has been on fire, it is intense and hurts REALLY bad. It's in my right thigh sometimes too, but, not as often or as intense. The right thigh is new, as of the past two days. The left thigh, I think it's been going on for a few weeks, but has gotten more intense that past week or two. I have the pain in my feet still, including occasional jolts of stabbing pain, but, the pain in the thigh really overwhelms the rest. Very little takes the edge off the pain, when I do have the edge off, I'm so drugged up I'm worthless anyway.

I don't know what's going on anymore. Oh, yes, nobody has a facility that can accommodate my girth for an open mri (and obviously a closed one as well). All we have is the x-ray. I did get referred to a pain management place, I've heard the guy is really good. They are still waiting on my referral but said I can get in next week if they have my info. I'm patiently (not) waiting. I did find out that the heat I have been putting on my back is a big NO NO. Who knew. After the neuro pain got so intense, I began sleeping in my bed part of the time this week. My back has hurt, but, it's not like it was before. I can get up and move, so far. It gets better quickly and I can walk around and stuff throughout the day. I've noticed that when I am in the bed, my knees and everything start hurting again. Apparently this is all related to the damaged disk in my spine and all of it is related to sciatic nerve pain. How lovely. Why? Why is it that I can't just be NORMAL. Why can't I feel better? Not only do I have constant pain, my mind is cloudy and I feel really off. I just don't feel right at all. I'm not even taking the strong meds all the time, I take ibuprofen and other things a lot of the time. Even when I try to keep up with someone (just a few years ago people were still trying to catch up with me when we walked..sigh) I find my chest feeling tight and feel out of breath. This is really sad. The one thing I always "took care of" and valued (about myself) was my mind. I feel like I'm losing it, big time.

I have my home and family to take care of, I'm a big part of a new business that is opening up soon, I am in a class, I am mentoring someone, and I can't even think strait! As I type this I just want to scream because the pain is so intense. Then I get really ticked off about it. Just now my husband asked me if I was ok. Apparently I am sighing about every 3 seconds. Him asking, of course, has caused me to start crying again. It's a favorite activity of mine lately. Why does it always have to be something with me anymore? Now, I swear I'm seeing spots. Really??

Ok, so, things I have learned. If you don't take care of yourself and put yourself on the back burner while you take care of everyone else, you end up hurting everyone. The term "let yourself go" should have been more specific. If you neglect yourself long enough, you really will get unhealthy and you really will have problems. All of that food you shove in your mouth through the years and lack of exercise, you really will regret it one day. When people act like they can't get up and they're in so much pain, they aren't always faking it. Chronic pain really exists and it sucks. All the jokes I made about my butt pulling my spine one way and my belly pulling it the other, aren't so funny anymore. You shouldn't take anything for granted. Nothing. I have also learned that I have an amazing, awesome, wonderful husband.

I have a very busy day tomorrow, with a must do "to do" list a mile long. I also have actual work I must get done tomorrow. I have a deadline for some of it now. I got some done tonight, during a brief period where the pain was tolerable and I wasn't drugged up. Neither of the doctors I have seen were in today, or for the next 2 days. I hope to see one of them on Monday, if I have to go out there and get that shot several times a week to get rid of the pain, I'll do it. I hope they'll give it to me, though I doubt it's wise to have it that often. It worked great when my sister was here, I wasn't tired and out of it either.

Ms X

Friday, February 5, 2010

Incoherent ramblings

I am going to attempt to blog, my mind has been all over

the place, yet I'm over tired. It's a strange thing about me. I've actually been super tired but up all night quite a few times. Unfortunately, I think the medication I take at night makes me extremely tired, but, for whatever reason, I'm wired otherwise. I swear, the only time I'm really sleeping well is when the alarm finally goes off. I have fallen asleep with an hour left before the alarm goes off too many times to count. Even when I don't get any more sleep after that, when I end up being awake too late doing other things, I will sometimes repeat the cycle.

Anyway. I have been having the painful tingling, numbness, shooting pains, etc in my left thigh. I had experienced it for a while about 5 or so years ago so I wasn't too worried about it. I finally looked it up tonight and it is either a (messed up) disc in my lower back, or diabetes. That seems to be the general consensus on the internet. Great. So, it could be either of the issues I've been trying to take care of. What are the odds? I guess it's a good thing that it's not yet another condition! The pain in my feet has been a faithful friend to me for quite some time now, the pain in my left thigh has become an unwelcome addition to the "faithful friends" club. I had thought there was more of an issue with the right side of my back because it is harder to lift my right leg, etc when my back is causing excruciating pain. Thankfully, the excruciating back pain has been gone for a while, as long as I sleep in my chair on heat. I can always feel that there is pain there, but, it's not even worth mentioning. I try to move a lot, I make sure to get some form of exercise daily, though I have not done any exercise programs or just walked around my neighborhood. Though I have done a lot of walking in climate controlled environments. LOL I have learned that movement is another factor in improving the back issues. I just find it odd that the thigh thing is happening now. I'm back on my diabetes meds and I'm sleeping in a recliner, other things are improving. Why now?

I've had an emotion packed few days, and I feel overloaded in a lot of ways. I have been getting things accomplished but I give myself downtime to be on the computer doing random things at night, in hopes that it will relax and calm me enough to get a good night's rest. I finished a book yesterday, I read for that purpose as well. Well, I LOVE reading, but, I make a point of allowing myself the luxury. I'm hoping that I am able to sleep as long as I want to in the morning and that I'll get enough sleep tonight. Lately, on days the God forsaken alarm doesn't wake me, my bladder wakes me up before I'm ready to get up, then I end up staying up because my dogs have to go out, etc.

All that being said, things are going really well. There's good and bad, like with anyone's life. But, I am happy, and I am blessed in more ways than I can count. I have a lot of things to change and do, that's for sure. There are definitely some things I wish I could change about things. But, I know I am very blessed with a wonderful family, the greatest friends, the many luxuries and privileges that make up my home, my health (it's not all bad), mobility, and I'm sure I'm leaving many things out.

I am going to attempt a good nights rest now. I hope everyone is doing well.
Ms X

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Get er done!

Not sure where the title came from. LOL. I hope everyone is well. As usual, my best time to blog is when I am driving, showering, or cooking, therefore, I haven't been doing it. Why is that?

I got back on diabetes meds like a good girl, yay me! I've been on them for about a week now. I'm even remembering to check my blood sugar levels. I was so excited when the doctor set me up on a home delivery program. Then realized I probably shouldn't be excited about the home delivery of medical supplies. Then, I realized that as long as I'm excited and happy about it, whatever. I need to remember to eat. Yes, what irony! I have been so busy with things and otherwise occupied, I often forget to eat. I have actually been downright angry before because I didn't want to eat and was mad that my sugar was low and I had to eat. When you are a super mega morbidly obese person and you don't want to eat, you shouldn't have to!!!! My close friend and boss has been on me to make sure I eat, but, she never eats either. Seriously though, I am trying. I am learning that activity changes my blood sugar levels quickly. I am keeping things around and am working on making sure I eat before my sugar drops. I have been pretty good about breakfast, though I don't get to it until late sometimes. I eat when I cook dinner for the family. Otherwise, I'm working on the other times.

Funny how I really feel like I woke up fat a few months ago. I saw that someone already used that title for their blog. What a bummer because it was so profound to me and I really thought that those words meant so much. I think I've blogged about that before though, how parts of me just woke up recently. I could tell anyone any detail they needed on how much I weighed, the issues I have, etc. I can logically see the many ways that being so obese affects me. Yet, in so many ways I didn't truly see that it was me. I don't know how to explain that at all. If I could figure it out, I would love to. I really feel like I woke up. me. The real me. The person I had hidden inside. Unfortunately, I did a darn good job of making my body a prison. Now it is so weird to me, I often ask myself "why?" I wonder about the different things that would have kept me from the downward spiral I was on for 18 or so years.

I have evaluated a lot of things. I still have my moments that scare me. I get so angry and hostile. I don't beat people or anything, but, I do see my dad's behavior in me. I so often wonder about him now. He is an alcoholic, and has been for most of my life. He would get angry and lash out, he was miserable and unhappy. (he's still alive but I haven't actually seen him in about ...17 years or so.) I have one time that sticks out in my head, he was always angry and would say mean things to me. One night I walked in the door to the garage and he was sitting drinking on the other side of the garage, where he drank every night. He immediately began going off on me. I don't know what got into me but I walked across the garage and went behind him and leaned over and hugged him. He held onto my arms SOO tightly, it was so desperate and I realized how much he hurts. I am glad that moment happened, I hope to never forget it. I have no idea what he was yelling at me about, it doesn't matter. I did everything I did to be perfect so I could make him happy. Which I've learned, nobody can do that for another person. Anyway, he looked scared as I walked towards him. I saw fear in my dad's eyes, he's physically strong, and I was always scared to death of him, but there was fear there, and pain. So, anyway, I get in those moods sometimes, while sober. I know food is my addiction, as alcohol is his.

I promise I won't write a book on this blog tonight. I do get wordy. I figure maybe one person might read it that can relate. Ideally, at some point I would love to help people. I want to use my experiences to reach out and stop other people from hurting. So many people in this world hurt, from so many things. I don't know if I wrote about it or not, but, my sister has so many wounds, I had no idea she was as fragile she is at almost 50. Her story is completely different from mine, but, we all have different experiences and different perceptions of the experiences we share. Everyone has a different way of thinking and a different way of looking at things. My siblings look at the bad, and interpreted everything that happened to them as children as bad. They still have a tendency to do that. I just try to step back and see things from different perspectives and find the good in people and situations.

There's a lot going on right now in my life, a few bad things, but overall I think many things are looking really good. There's much work to be done in all aspects and areas, I don't think it would be a good thing if there were no work to do at all. Though I can think of some things I would love to see done!!

I choose to make downtime for myself by reading before bed or playing some mindless game on the computer. Even when I have other stuff that can be done. Not to say that's all I do, not at all. But, I have learned that everyone needs some downtime. My children have a tendency to come into wherever I am, no matter what I am doing and hang out and talk to me. Mostly my girls. I end up staying up very late much of the time because I need the down time but don't want to deny them that time they want with me. I am glad my kids like to be with me, I'm glad they want to come into my room, or wherever I am, and talk to me. It's a good trade off.

That being said, I have to get up with my younger two in the morning, and then I have a lot of work that needs to be done from then on out. I'll try to make a point of blogging regularly, I'm working on it. Oh...the last time I weighed myself was about a week ago. I was bloated, crampy, and had already eaten, and I "only" weighed 470. I was thrilled! A very strange thing to say, but, considering I really DO weigh almost 500 lbs, and I really DID weigh more, I am glad. I haven't weighed myself since because I always gulp down tons of water and eat before I finally think about it, I usually think about it at the end of the day. I try to only weigh myself in the morning before I've had anything. I'll try to remember to weigh myself soon.

Thanks for reading!
Ms X

Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm still here

I'm still here. I think about my blog at times when I am not near a computer, they are also times when being on the computer blogging would not be wise. When I am in the shower, I always have profound thoughts. When I am driving, I have my best thoughts. Obviously, those are two times I really can't blog.

A lot has been going on, there have been several times where things happened I just couldn't blog about. But, all is good overall.

I have another class done. I was VERY irritated that I was .9 points away from an A. They actually give B+ at my college, but, come on! The sad thing is, turning in my work late is what lowered my points in the first place. Not all of my work, but, enough of it to get a B+. So, it was all my fault. But, the fact that I was SOOO close...that is what gets me! I am currently considering holding off my next class because we have so much going on with getting the business up and running, etc.

I've been making sure I get some form of exercise daily. I need to see my doctor and have a mile long to do list, but, I'm eventually going to make a huge dent in the list, I've been working on it. I need to organize and declutter, not just things, but, my issues! LOL

I have been learning more about myself and when I need to eat, I forget to eat when I'm busy. It causes problems. What happens is that I will suddenly get dizzy, shaky, etc. Even in my "normal" sized days I would have this problem. They could never figure out what was wrong with me before, my blood sugars and all other tests showed I was normal back then. It has been really bad lately because I am busy and no longer working from home and my habits have changed a lot. The more active I am, the sooner I get dizzy. Today I thought I'd have to pull off the road because when it hits me, it's often sudden. When I was a teen-ager and with my 2nd pregnancy at 25, I passed out fairly often, usually when I felt dizzy and shaky first. So, I now know that I HAVE to make sure I have plenty of things available to eat, and that I set an alarm on my phone or something to remember to eat something every couple of hours. I know it needs to be healthy choices and a balance in food groups. I've always thought that it is ironic that I will not want to eat at all when I'm busy and I get sick if I don't eat, so I end up having to make myself eat, even when I don't want to. Of all the times I consume everything that can't run faster than me, what irony that I have to force myself to eat the times I don't want to. I swear, I am one extreme or the other! So, that is one of the kinks that I need to work out.

I hope everyone is well, I will try to catch up on blogs. I swore I would relax and read tonight, or play a mindless game on the computer, but, I keep finding things to do first. :)
Ms X

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Confessions of a morbidly obese person

I don't think I have answered anyone's rude!! I have appreciated anyone who has commented or "followed" me, it makes me feel "loved" when people respond. I'm still getting the hang of this. I've been reading people's blogs and I think I do want to be more aggressive on my weight loss efforts, I want to get to a healthier place much quicker.

I spent so much time ignoring how fat I am and avoiding things all these years. I spent much of my time home and with people I was already close to. My monthly "girls night out" events were one of the few times my weight was in my face. I worked from home, when I went to trainings and such that were work related, I had a good reputation that proceeded me. I know there were a few times over the years that my weight directly related whether or not people would choose to have their child in my care, but, most of the time they could see that I worked very hard at what I did and loved what I did and used me in spite of it. Thanks to the internet I was able to go to college. I've definitely been a mess when it comes to my own physical well being. I have been able to tell people my actual weight and talk matter of factly about it for years, I have been able to discuss it on an "educational" level, but, it was really as if I were talking about someone else.

Yes, I do have health issues...when did that happen?

I have had sleep apnea for years now, it's been at least 6 or 7 years that I have used a CPAP machine at night. I am so used to it I often forget that it's a weight related health issue. As annoying and cumbersome as it can be, a lot of times the air coming through comforts me. I was very afraid I wouldn't be able to handle having that on my face and prayed about it a lot. When I was in the Navy and we did firefighting stuff I panicked with the gear on my face. I'm thankful I've been able to handle the CPAP and the high pressure air that comes out. There was only one time that I didn't have the whole machine with me when I stayed over somewhere, I was so afraid I'd keep people up that I barely slept. Of course, I know I could just die while sleeping, even if I'm alone, so, I always use my machine. Before I got the machine I couldn't stay awake or anything, it was really bad. I had to get up early and work and if I sat down I would fall asleep, pretty scary. My husband was out to sea a lot and when he was home he complained about how loud I snored. It was an ugly time before I got my machine.

As of 2009, I also have the back pain, lately if I sleep in my recliner chair with the heating thing on, it's MUCH better, thank God. I pray my chair makes it through this time. Anyone who's ever weighed as much as me can understand that last statement. I really want to sleep in my bed. A lot. The last few nights I have had a horrible time getting to sleep in that chair. I haven't been taking a bunch of medications for pain, and I think those helped me sleep.

Also new in 2009, I have major neuropathic foot pain. It keeps me up at night too. I plan to see the doc soon and ask what can be done, besides the obvious "eat right, exercise, etc" that I know about. I've been making sure I at least get out and walk some each day, and get up and do more around the house. It's hard to believe there was a time when I walked everywhere I went, on purpose, and couldn't sit still or sit down long enough to relax. I would love to be that person again! Well, at least to have that energy and motivation and drive. It was hard admitting to myself that I am not the person I used to be. I can go on for days and days about the things that led to this, but, all that matters is to know what I can do to fix me and what I can and can't do to make it better. The neuropathic foot pain is the only thing that makes me believe I do have diabetes. My sugar levels have never been right, even when I was 300 pounds less and 18-19 years old. Even before that. In 2009 I was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure on the same day, but the same doctor. She was new and it was clear she expected and wanted me to have all of the "fat people" diseases. My blood pressure may have been high because I'd been avoiding doctors and was traumatized, plus, I couldn't sit down in the chairs they had to do my blood pressure, their scales didn't go high enough, and the blood pressure cuff wasn't big enough. My blood pressure has been pretty normal when it's been tested since then. When I test my sugar it's usually in the low 200s, when it goes lower than that I feel like I have low sugar, at least when I compare how I feel at that time, it matches those symptoms. It's also exactly how I've felt for years when I don't eat for hours. Who knows.

I also, as of this past year, have a racing heart thing that happens sometimes. They checked me out and I was cleared, but, there is something slightly off about my heart. I hadn't experienced it in a couple of months and just this week have had it slightly a few times. How interesting that when I'm off of the pain medications for my back or kidney infection or whatever is wrong with me, the neuropathic foot pain and (sometimes) heart thing comes back full force. Hmmm. So, stay on pain meds? I can't sleep without them either. I really don't want to be on ANY meds. I have to remind myself to take anything I am supposed to take anytime I'm on meds at all.

I have been feeling off today and super tired and stuff. My hubby is sick, so, maybe it's just a virus or something. The weather is getting cold too. I know I do want to get better. I want to be normal. I've missed out on so much fun in my life and so many opportunities because of my size. My kids haven't had the mom they could have, because of my size. I need support and encouragement.

I looked into a local indoor pool recently, no luck yet. Of course, depending on the environment, I might be really uncomfortable anyway. I tried to see if there was any kind of sponsorship for someone like me at a workout place or the Y or something. At this point I'm not so comfortable at a gym, I did the gym thing when I was losing weight and got just under 400. It was hard enough dealing with the stares then, the equipment made noises sometimes too. I'm trying to get out and walk and stuff and get exercise that way for starters.

One last thing, not sure it fits here. I spend time on facebook reconnecting, though I don't have my own pictures up. I am amazed at how I'm the ONLY person that I went to high school with that gained weight! Everyone else looks great! What the heck??? Not only that, people always say "you look great" to each other and are always commenting on how great everyone else looks. I think I may have actually ranted about this before. I wonder, if I had stayed closer to my childhood home and stayed near people, would I have not gained like I did?? My siblings didn't gain. The people from the Navy, they didn't gain either. I have come across very few people who gained anything at all. Even the "fat" ones are the same size (or less) than high school. Can anyone explain this phenomena??

Ok, I'd better get going. I appreciate anyone who actually reads through my ramblings.......Thanks:)
Ms X