Sunday, June 6, 2010

Still here!

I realized tonight that it's already been almost a month since I posted. Where does the time go? I've really been losing my mind lately. Mom has been in the hospital for 17 days now. I talked to her late into the night the night before surgery, I haven't talked to her since. It's been really crazy. There is so much going on in my life and all I want to do is see mom, to talk to her. She's many states away from me and I cannot afford to go see her. She has been heavily sedated until a few days ago and is still pretty much completely out of it. Apparently most of the people in her life have made comments about how they can't believe it that I'm not there. I love how there are a whole lot of people that talk about me that barely know me. On my husband's side of the family there's a lot of that going on too. I know these people also talk about just about everyone else too, but, it still bothers me. Why do people have to be that way? There are people who want to know every move I make, the "how's, why's" etc. Not because they care, but because they are bitter people that want to see that others are unhappy. But, back to the people that are near mom. There has been some drama regarding her boyfriend, and regarding the hospital giving authority to his children, etc. I just want mom to be healthy and happy, that is my concern. Why are there others out there who don't have her best interest in mind? I feel helpless here. I've begun talking to my brother daily, sometimes multiple times a day, because we are trying to look out for mom. We're mom's only 2 biological children, and I feel bad for my brother because he has a lot of stuff he's dealing with right now. That includes a wife that just broke her ankle in 3 places and needs his help, and mom's boyfriend who has multiple medical, and other, issues. My brother has been drinking a lot, which is not uncommon for him. I understand that's how he copes, or..doesn't cope, depending on your perspective. It's difficult for me to talk to him when he's like that for many reasons. With everything going on, I am having to face SOO many demons. In my own life, I have work stuff I'm dealing with, and tons of other stuff. I have a bunch of medical issues, plus I've had a very upset stomach, etc since mom's been sick. I've lost more weight, but, since I stopped getting sleep it has slowed down. I've had whole days where I just want to run away from it all. I usually talk to mom daily. I barely talk to or see my hubby. My two best of them has a new baby and is moving, etc, we barely talk. The other, we barely talk because she has a new business, etc. I feel so lost and alone half the time. Another good friend just had surgery and has been very pre-occupied, I'm more concerned about her health and well being and don't discuss my own stuff with her. My daughter graduates from high school this week. That's a hard one to believe! Mom was supposed to be here and mom was so upset that she wouldn't be, so is my daughter. We all are. We fly her down every year around this time, and have been planning for a year to have her here this week. It makes the graduation very bittersweet. I've been very emotional lately and some people are afraid to ask me about mom or anything out of fear that I'll break down. I am very tired right now, and took several medications for the pain that make me tired, unfortunately, most nights I don't see sleep until 4am. I bought a good book today, not a kindle book, a real book. One I know a long list of people will be reading when I'm through. Reading and writing have been helping me in a way nothing else can. There have been times that I cannot focus on one thing long enough to read and write, but, when I can, it takes me away. I started a story, I should spend more time with it because it's a lot of fun and everyone I've read it to really likes it a lot. Thanks for letting me rant. I always appreciate the feedback, it makes me feel good. :) I hope everyone is enjoying the (almost) summer!


  1. Oh man. Hugs, lady. I think that's all I can say! Wow, what a month (and then some).

  2. Well shit! See what happens when I get behind in my blogs!!!

    You are going through so much right now and shouldn't have to be alone. You email me any time and pour it all out. Rant all you want! I'm here for you.