Sunday, February 28, 2010

Ten years!!

Hi all! Ten years ago tonight I was in labor. Actually, now that I think about it...ten years ago it was the 29th of February. But, I was in labor for 23 1/2 hours with my son. I cannot believe he'll be 10 tomorrow!! He's my baby too. Hard to believe. Time goes by so quickly.

Today he and I went to the movies, he'd been wanting to see the Percy Jackson movie since he read the books. It was a great movie! Then, all three of my kids, my husband, and I went to dinner. We had a nice time. My husband's birthday was Thursday, he and I went out with our really good friends to dinner that night, it was a nice time also.

I won't go on a tangent on how get togethers often rotate around food. My son had an intense basketball game yesterday, for kids that age they sure do have some amazing games! I've noticed that every boy on that team has experienced growth in some way in the past couple of months, even the ones who really knew how to play have learned how to be better team players or have gotten even better skills. My son had a great attitude, which is all I've been trying to teach him. He didn't want to go to the game, as usual I talked to him about how important his attitude is. It was amazing how well he did!! Then, he came out of there saying he likes basketball now! (on the way there he said he hated it) I knew my persistence in trying to teach him to have a good attitude, to be a team player, and to stick with it would pay off! They only have a couple more games, but I feel really good.

All three of our kids have been facing challenges lately. They are handling the things they are going through very well. I'm proud of them. My oldest has been dealing with a lot of stuff at work, she's really put up with a lot of garbage from a group of people that have no business running a business at all. My middle child has been telling me things the "coach" of most of the sports teams at her school has been saying and doing, and just found out she didn't make the softball team. It's a long story, but, it really does look as if this lady has it out for her. I am amazed at what I see adults do! My son, well, I thank God every day that he has the most awesome teacher on the planet, I love that woman, she's the greatest. She is an example of what teachers should be like, she has truly made a difference in my son's life, and in the life of my family. He's just dealing with the challenges of growing up, thankfully, no major challenges at the moment. He did get in trouble for behavior the other day, but, the teacher thinks it really was a matter of him being excited. In this case, I agree.

The business is coming along well, we will be opening very soon. We're excited and busy! My mother-in-law is officially going to be living with us full time starting tomorrow afternoon. Also, I have a pain management appointment on the 8th finally. I started a few more meds and one of them is finally available today.

I have been frustrated, yet mildly amused, at my ailments lately. I keep remembering the doctor when he told me that all of my other aches and pains, such as the knees, etc, could be related to my back. In fact, he insisted they probably are. Considering that my aches and pains have been random lately, I'll guess he's right. So, the past few days, my right knee, and the surrounding areas, have hurt A LOT. I look like an idiot when I try to walk. My husband says it looks like I'm trying to take flight between steps because of the way I move my arms when I'm limping. Earlier I had the pain in my feet, the knee/leg pain, and the screaming sciatic pain in my left thigh. I realized, at that moment, that my back hasn't really hurt today. Score one for the back! I think. I am amused because it's always something lately! The fact that my back hurt so much I could barely move, then it was sciatic pain, then it was a combination. Then the knee, which spread out. If it didn't hurt, it'd be an exploration, an adventure...what will we find next?? With everything else going on, I missed the open house at weight watchers, so, I'll just have to be a "normal" sign up. Oh, I'm down again. I had gained 10 lbs, which didn't make sense, then I dropped it again...Thank God!! My mom says it's probably the diabetes meds, it's a side affect.

Well, I am hoping I sleep well tonight, my husband and I haven't been sleeping well lately at all. My mask for sleep apnea has it's own issues, so I spend a lot of time lying awake, paranoid I'll wake him. I have various reasons I'm awake. He also snores like crazy and scares me all night with jerky movements and stuff. So, I'm hoping we all get enough sleep! LOL

Can you believe it's going to be March tomorrow?????? Wow!

Ms X

Sunday, February 21, 2010


Hi! I hope everyone is well. For those of you in the many states that have been covered in snow this winter, I am so sorry!! I am thinking by now, nobody thinks snow is very pretty anymore. I always say I'd like to see in at Christmas, and maybe play in it, then they can take it away. As unpredictable as the weather is here, at least I don't have to deal with snow, sleet, or ice. My kids have never had a snow day, though they've had hurricane days. Not this year though. I'm babbling.

I forgot to check and see what I talked about in my last blog. Well, the latest is that they finally found a place I can go to for pain management, they never could find a place for an mri, the first place they had for pain management ended up telling them they couldn't take me either. So, I have my initial consult on March 8th. My doctor also put me on 2 more meds for diabetes and high triglycerides, I haven't started them yet, I picked up one yesterday, the other they were out of. The sciatic pain has actually had its days where it's not constant and it's tolerable, yay!! Earlier today it was really bad, but, it's not ALWAYS bad anymore, that's a good thing! My back has been worse than it had been for a few weeks, but, it's not as bad as it was before the recliner. It's all really strange. Thank God nothing has been permanent other than the fact that a disk in my back is obviously messed up. I have not had any pain free days, but, I can't complain too much right now since everything has been worse than it is right now. I have had headaches from the time I wake up until I go to bed at night on several occasions, including yesterday. I'm not so sure what that is all about.

The weather has been great. The business is coming along very well. I'm very excited about that!! I had a bunch of stuff I thought about blogging about throughout the week but the meds are starting to kick in and make me groggy. Oh! I am going to start weight watchers soon. I am hoping to start next Saturday, they have been having open houses and I want to go to an open house and try to win something first. Is that super sad and pathetic of me??? I couldn't go yesterday because of the work meeting I was at for hours. So, that's the reason why I want to go on Saturday. I'm not even sure where I'll end up going and on which day. I have been trying to figure that out. They have a meeting at my doctor's office which is right down the street from where I'll be working every day starting in a couple weeks (when we open!!) It might be smart for me to make a point of going there, which is every Wednesday at 6. I'll figure it out soon.

:) Thanks to anyone who keeps up with my blog, I really appreciate it a lot!!! I know it's boring and I don't have witty, funny things to say. I swear, I really do have witty things to say at times!!!

Ms X

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Elephant man

No, I didn't meet him. I just kinda feel like him today. Wow, I just about had a panic attack because I couldn't change the color and style of my font before typing, I figured it out, and yes, I have issues. Perhaps I shouldn't blog while super doped up on pain meds, but, I'm anonymous to most who read it.

I have had several good cries today. Some profound thoughts, that have all gone away thanks to the pain meds. Too bad I can't get some pain relief AND think clearly. I have found myself to be HIGHLY irritable today, as well as extremely emotional and I've cried as often as I've freaked out and yelled at my dogs, and some humans. Of course, the dogs keep barking at every little thing they see or hear outside. I'm beginning to think that the de-barking surgery isn't so inhumane. Especially considering the other things I've thought of doing to the dogs today. I'm just sayin.

So, today I go to the doctor. I love that man. Apparently the pain management people won't take me either. I'm even too fat for them. I'm feeling the love. So, now he's looking into the mayo clinic's facilities. I did some blood work, and, as usual, when I went to pee in the cup, it fell in the toilet. At this size, I'm just not that capable of peeing in a cup without it causing some drama. I think I'll try that stupid thing next time that you put under the seat and then pour the pee into the cup. So, anyway, I then went to a "spa" place to get a product I've heard from friends works "great" called biofreeze. The people at the spa were polite to me, I'll give them that. But, I'm pretty sure the lady lied when she said she uses it on her own sciatic pain. Also, the whispers and look of fear in their eyes that I might request they massage me or something added to my feelings of being "elephant manish". Wow, the spell check thing is underlining words today! I'm not changing them either...I want them written that way! I was thinking that maybe getting my eyebrows waxed and stuff might make me feel a little better. She asked if I could come back tomorrow, no. So, one of these days I'll do it. Sometimes when I get them waxed the people treat me like a human, other times they act like they're afraid I'm contagious. I always shower and put on clean presentable clothing before going. I even brush my teeth and hair. I don't know if they're afraid I'm contagious, or if they're afraid I'll eat them.

Ok..random thought time...a few years ago my friend and I were getting Wendy's for our families. We each have 3 kids and a husband so the two of us were getting food for 10 people. My friend, at that time, was close to my size. So, we were both over 400 lbs. I could tell the people at the drive through were thinking it was for us so I was being obnoxious about it saying we were hungry and stuff like that. I thought it was hilarious. She didn't. Oh well. I thought I mine as well have fun with it.

Ok, so, anyway. Everywhere I went today I just felt like I was this grotesque freak. Wow, just had a flashback. Ok, I should really post old pictures of me, and even new ones. When I was in the Navy I was within weight standards and when I look back at pictures I looked GOOD. So, when I was on the ship, this one chick made "boom boom boom" noises every time I walked near her. She was really obnoxious about it and couldn't stand the fact that I existed. I had never done anything to her, but, she hated me. So, she always made it clear to me that I was a huge cow, heiffer, freak. It's so ironic to look back at things like that and then look at me now. I became what people like her told me I was then. I truly believed I was all of those things then. But, actually BEING that big, actually having the problems I have, all of it, it's not fun.

I was going to blog more, I had a lot to say today, but, I just can't think strait right now. I hope everyone is well.
Ms X

Friday, February 12, 2010


Hi all. I literally want to scream right now. I want to run around my back yard in the cold rain screaming at the top of my lungs. Due to many reasons, I will refrain. I'm so out of shape and uncoordinated, I wouldn't make it past the back patio before I would either be in a broken heap on the ground, or, panting like I ran a marathon. Sad, but true. Also, the screaming would attract unwanted attention. I'm also pretty sure my husband would videotape my fall, and then act like he doesn't know me when my screams alert the police.

I have been dealing with seriously intense, agonizing sciatic nerve pain. Who the heck came up with this? It's really not funny at all. My left thigh has been on fire, it is intense and hurts REALLY bad. It's in my right thigh sometimes too, but, not as often or as intense. The right thigh is new, as of the past two days. The left thigh, I think it's been going on for a few weeks, but has gotten more intense that past week or two. I have the pain in my feet still, including occasional jolts of stabbing pain, but, the pain in the thigh really overwhelms the rest. Very little takes the edge off the pain, when I do have the edge off, I'm so drugged up I'm worthless anyway.

I don't know what's going on anymore. Oh, yes, nobody has a facility that can accommodate my girth for an open mri (and obviously a closed one as well). All we have is the x-ray. I did get referred to a pain management place, I've heard the guy is really good. They are still waiting on my referral but said I can get in next week if they have my info. I'm patiently (not) waiting. I did find out that the heat I have been putting on my back is a big NO NO. Who knew. After the neuro pain got so intense, I began sleeping in my bed part of the time this week. My back has hurt, but, it's not like it was before. I can get up and move, so far. It gets better quickly and I can walk around and stuff throughout the day. I've noticed that when I am in the bed, my knees and everything start hurting again. Apparently this is all related to the damaged disk in my spine and all of it is related to sciatic nerve pain. How lovely. Why? Why is it that I can't just be NORMAL. Why can't I feel better? Not only do I have constant pain, my mind is cloudy and I feel really off. I just don't feel right at all. I'm not even taking the strong meds all the time, I take ibuprofen and other things a lot of the time. Even when I try to keep up with someone (just a few years ago people were still trying to catch up with me when we walked..sigh) I find my chest feeling tight and feel out of breath. This is really sad. The one thing I always "took care of" and valued (about myself) was my mind. I feel like I'm losing it, big time.

I have my home and family to take care of, I'm a big part of a new business that is opening up soon, I am in a class, I am mentoring someone, and I can't even think strait! As I type this I just want to scream because the pain is so intense. Then I get really ticked off about it. Just now my husband asked me if I was ok. Apparently I am sighing about every 3 seconds. Him asking, of course, has caused me to start crying again. It's a favorite activity of mine lately. Why does it always have to be something with me anymore? Now, I swear I'm seeing spots. Really??

Ok, so, things I have learned. If you don't take care of yourself and put yourself on the back burner while you take care of everyone else, you end up hurting everyone. The term "let yourself go" should have been more specific. If you neglect yourself long enough, you really will get unhealthy and you really will have problems. All of that food you shove in your mouth through the years and lack of exercise, you really will regret it one day. When people act like they can't get up and they're in so much pain, they aren't always faking it. Chronic pain really exists and it sucks. All the jokes I made about my butt pulling my spine one way and my belly pulling it the other, aren't so funny anymore. You shouldn't take anything for granted. Nothing. I have also learned that I have an amazing, awesome, wonderful husband.

I have a very busy day tomorrow, with a must do "to do" list a mile long. I also have actual work I must get done tomorrow. I have a deadline for some of it now. I got some done tonight, during a brief period where the pain was tolerable and I wasn't drugged up. Neither of the doctors I have seen were in today, or for the next 2 days. I hope to see one of them on Monday, if I have to go out there and get that shot several times a week to get rid of the pain, I'll do it. I hope they'll give it to me, though I doubt it's wise to have it that often. It worked great when my sister was here, I wasn't tired and out of it either.

Ms X

Friday, February 5, 2010

Incoherent ramblings

I am going to attempt to blog, my mind has been all over

the place, yet I'm over tired. It's a strange thing about me. I've actually been super tired but up all night quite a few times. Unfortunately, I think the medication I take at night makes me extremely tired, but, for whatever reason, I'm wired otherwise. I swear, the only time I'm really sleeping well is when the alarm finally goes off. I have fallen asleep with an hour left before the alarm goes off too many times to count. Even when I don't get any more sleep after that, when I end up being awake too late doing other things, I will sometimes repeat the cycle.

Anyway. I have been having the painful tingling, numbness, shooting pains, etc in my left thigh. I had experienced it for a while about 5 or so years ago so I wasn't too worried about it. I finally looked it up tonight and it is either a (messed up) disc in my lower back, or diabetes. That seems to be the general consensus on the internet. Great. So, it could be either of the issues I've been trying to take care of. What are the odds? I guess it's a good thing that it's not yet another condition! The pain in my feet has been a faithful friend to me for quite some time now, the pain in my left thigh has become an unwelcome addition to the "faithful friends" club. I had thought there was more of an issue with the right side of my back because it is harder to lift my right leg, etc when my back is causing excruciating pain. Thankfully, the excruciating back pain has been gone for a while, as long as I sleep in my chair on heat. I can always feel that there is pain there, but, it's not even worth mentioning. I try to move a lot, I make sure to get some form of exercise daily, though I have not done any exercise programs or just walked around my neighborhood. Though I have done a lot of walking in climate controlled environments. LOL I have learned that movement is another factor in improving the back issues. I just find it odd that the thigh thing is happening now. I'm back on my diabetes meds and I'm sleeping in a recliner, other things are improving. Why now?

I've had an emotion packed few days, and I feel overloaded in a lot of ways. I have been getting things accomplished but I give myself downtime to be on the computer doing random things at night, in hopes that it will relax and calm me enough to get a good night's rest. I finished a book yesterday, I read for that purpose as well. Well, I LOVE reading, but, I make a point of allowing myself the luxury. I'm hoping that I am able to sleep as long as I want to in the morning and that I'll get enough sleep tonight. Lately, on days the God forsaken alarm doesn't wake me, my bladder wakes me up before I'm ready to get up, then I end up staying up because my dogs have to go out, etc.

All that being said, things are going really well. There's good and bad, like with anyone's life. But, I am happy, and I am blessed in more ways than I can count. I have a lot of things to change and do, that's for sure. There are definitely some things I wish I could change about things. But, I know I am very blessed with a wonderful family, the greatest friends, the many luxuries and privileges that make up my home, my health (it's not all bad), mobility, and I'm sure I'm leaving many things out.

I am going to attempt a good nights rest now. I hope everyone is doing well.
Ms X