Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Saving the world!

Hello all! I hope everyone has been having a great holiday season! We have been very busy here, but it has been a nice time over all. My back has been getting much better since I accidentally discovered that sleeping in my recliner with a heating pad is the cure all. Today I had a set back but I'm hoping I'll be ok tomorrow. I went to my MRI and even though I was very clear with everyone that I talked to when setting up the appointment that I am HUGE, they scheduled me for an open mri in a thing that is 18 inches wide. Really? Seriously?? I KNEW I wouldn't fit but I tried to shove myself in it anyway, what a joke! But, I did manage to come out of there hurting from trying to shove myself into it and somehow messing my back up again. When I left to go to the appoinment today I was thinking about how great my back feels now. When I left the appointment it was hurting, it got progressively worse over the next couple of hours, I came home and took a handful of meds. Hopefully I will be better again tomorrow. My daughter got me an awesome huge thingie for my chair that I sleep in that is a massager and has heat right in the area I need it for my back. It's perfect! The funny thing is that on Christmas day, I woke up with a burn on my back from my heating pad, just a small section, but I was definitely relieved to open up the thing my daughter got me that day!

A friend told me today that fat that is liposuctioned turns into stem cells. So, I figure I am harvesting fat for future stem cells for people in need. I am so proud of my efforts! http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2001/04/10/tech/main284900.shtml I don't know if the link works..but, there's a link to info about it. So, see....it can be useful! (to anyone that may not get it, I am playing around...I'm joking....) But, yeah, very interesting. I wonder if they'll accept me as a donor?? If only it were that easy!!! Just think, fat people could save the world that way!!

I woke up this week thinking about how much better I'm feeling and I've had a cold. I swear! I would laugh, but, I have to admit, I was downright ticked off when I woke up with a cold. That whole day I tried to stay away from people because I was just downright mad. Just when I'm all better I get a cold!! UGH! But, thankfully, with my generic benadryl I keep it at bay, I can tell when it wears off, like clockwork. I am thankful though that the meds keep it at bay, my back has been better, and a lot of other things.

I survived the visit with my sister. I love her, but it was very difficult. It hurts me to see how many unresolved issues she has. She and I had one big blow up fight but it was more of us not communicating than anything else. It was stressful but I wanted her to feel good so I tolerated a lot. It is nice to not have to worry about that this week. I've enjoyed having time with my kids while they are off school, it's the first time for that in MANY years, I've always had my home daycare open year round. This year I am helping a friend open up a center and will be working there (and have been working on stuff from home), I am SOOO excited about it. So, it's about to get very busy for me. I'm enjoying my time before I get back to putting in a lot of hours for her and before my class starts back up next week.

Sorry, I turned this one into a LONG babbling session. I knew I needed to catch up, at random times I have things to rant about but I'm nowhere near a keyboard. I hope everyone is having a great "last week of December".
Ms X

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Hello all! How is everyone? I have not had a chance to blog but I was SOOO excited today! I have been taking a lot of pain meds the past few days because my doctor told me to. I have also been doing a lot of walking in stores and such with my sister. (I had barely moved for the past few weeks). Last night I had walked A LOT and my back was hurting soooo much, I came home and took a lot of meds and was afraid to lay in my bed. I got in my recliner chair that sits in my bedroom and had the heating pad behind my back. I slept that way all night. This morning I woke up at 6, tired, and went "crap, I need to pee, I'd better make my way out to the living room so I can get up and do it in a couple of hours". I got up and...was fine!!! I got to go to the bathroom right away! I also got to take my dogs out myself, etc. I could even go back to bed, which I haven't been able to do either. When I got up from my chair a couple of hours later, I was fine still! SOOOO awesome! Now, it still hurts, but, it's AMAZING that I could function normally upon getting up! By the time we were walking around for a while it started hurting a lot and I was frustrated. I tried to keep taking meds today, but not all of them every time. When I got home late today after shopping again I was in a lot of pain. But, AWESOME progress has been made. I hope sleeping that way helps again for tomorrow. I've been walking a lot every day and moving around a lot while on my meds, I slept with heat on it all night, and..as the doctor ordered, I have been keeping up on my meds. Also, not laying on my bed and being somewhat "sitting up" probably helped. So, it's a combination of things. My prayers are being answered! Sorry, but I am VERY excited!

I am happy that I have been able to get some gifts and stuff. We still need to get our Christmas eve dinner food too. I only have a few more things to get the kids for Christmas, I'm not getting them much to begin with. I am trying to get them things they want. This year my 13 year old is the easiest, I keep seeing more and more things for her, but, don't get them because I've already got her enough. My 18 year old and 9 year old are actually the hard ones to find things for this year. I think they take turns! Both the 18 and 13 year old just had birthdays. They were very happy with their birthday gifts, now I had a hard time knowing what to get the 18 and 9 year old now. So, I'm glad I actually have things for them now, and I even got some stocking stuffers. So, we'll probably go out at some point every day until Friday. It's CRAZY out there too! Even with my new temporary handicapped sticker I have trouble finding a spot! I just realized my legs and feet have been screaming tonight, awesome, that means I'm getting exercise!! I'm so used to pain now I was just ignoring it. I have taken all my meds too....uh oh...wonder how they'll feel tomorrow...LOL

I know SOOO many people that are having and have had surgery this week and last week. I also know a lot of other people that have loved ones that have been in surgery. (Like my facebook people) There are several people that have loved ones that have passed, and another friend that just had surgery yesterday told me that a friend's parent died and another friend that was 8 months pregnant with a healthy baby just found out her baby has passed away. It is insane what has been going on! For those of you that pray, please say a prayer for all of these people. I am thankful for my family, I am so thankful that everyone is healthy and doing well. My "grandmother" passed away 2 years ago on Christmas day. It was an appropriate day for her to pass, she was a very dedicated Christian woman who lived her life serving God. It wasn't until after her death that I learned that she had earned a Masters degree way back in the 50s, how amazing is that for anyone, let alone a woman back then?? I think about the many people who are no longer with us, and how those closest to them are missing them a lot this time of year.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a sad post, I am very happy for my moblility today!!! I am very happy for my many blessings too! I plan to keep checking in, we are baking cookies and stuff, among other things tomorrow. We have been doing so many things, it doesn't seem like we have enough time to do all of the things we've planned to do while my sister is here.

Talk to you soon!
Ms X

Monday, December 21, 2009

Still here

Hi everyone! I have been here in my thoughts, there have been several times I could have went on a rant, never while sitting at my keyboard though!! It's probably a good thing I wasn't. I may even be almost in the Christmas spirit, maybe tomorrow I'll even get gifts for my kids! Actually, on the gifts, that's been an issue of money and mobility, hopefully I'll have both of those things tomorrow!

Saturday I went to the doctor because I thought the kidney infection was back and even though it was a busy day, I did NOT want to go through that again, especially on top of the back thing. I was nervous because I had never seen this doctor before. I LOVED him! I knew that he was either really trying to help me, or, he was trying to kill me. If he was trying to kill me, he was being SOO nice and helpful while doing it! I have not had the best experiences with doctors, I could tell some horror stories. So, he had one of his assistants give me a shot in my butt to enable me to be "normal" for a day. When I got the shot I thought he said it would take 24 hours to kick in, later he made a reference to me feeling better that night, for 24 hours. The injection site and the flesh it made contact with was still sizzling so I was slightly perturbed to learn it would be short lived. When my legs were feeling numbish and I was feeling off, after being told I would be fine to drive, I was once again, worried. But, that night I was able to function almost normally (as normally as someone of my size can). He also gave me a list of exercises, not all of them can I do. He also put me on a different pain medication.

So, after the doctor's visit I came home and my husband and younger two children and I went to the airport to get my sister. As always, we waited forever on my husband. We're never sure why, but no matter what, if we are going somewhere with him, we will wait on him. So, when I went to get out and hug my sister (who was waiting with her suitcase on the curb) I was able to get out without too much of an issue. We came home and she wanted to walk so I grabbed my 13 year old and the 3 of us went on a quest to find a parking spot along the beach. We were going through mostly residential area and came across a lone parking place, just one. It was placed alongside a pier between houses. My daughter and I realized at the same time that I was now the proud owner of a temporary handicapped parking pass. Guess what kind of parking spot it was?? We were way more excited than we should be. It's the little things! We had a nice walk along the beach, my daughter found the best shells we've ever found, they were the clam shell type but were still connected. There were SOO many of them, we've never found such a jackpot! The sun was setting, the sky was gorgeous. There were waves. The beach was pretty vacant, just as I like it. The weather was a bit nippy, for us, but, I had short sleeves on and was only slightly cold. I was THRILLED to be WALKING! I was re-thinking the whole shot thing and wondering if I could handle getting that shot every day if I needed to. (I have since read about the shot..um...no) So, we had a good night.

Yesterday I was still within my "24" hours and with much pain walked erect all the way to the living room where I sit upright in the morning, it was better than I usually do. It's usually a big deal getting out here in the morning. I medicated myself and within 2 hours was able to finally go to the bathroom! I long for the days when I can get out of bed and go pee like a normal person!! So, we eventually made it out of the house and went to a gorgeous park where the kids played. Ok, I could have used a jacket!! We went shopping for a few groceries and came home. My sister and 13 year old cooked yesterday every time. It was good! She is teaching her some great stuff! I'm glad my kids are getting to know her, it's great!!

I can see the sun rising through the window, I would love to watch this from the beach. Of course, I still haven't made it to the bathroom, that's my first goal for the day!! I got up at 5:45 so I could make it out here without too much drama, and actually pee before my bladder explodes or something. I am NOT an early riser, hate it. You KNOW it's a big deal if I get up this early by choice!!

Sorry, I'm rambling and it's not even remotely exciting, I seem to have a boring streak in my writing lately. I'm really funny when I'm thinking of things to write, then by the time I am at the keyboard I'm not funny anymore! I was doing homework while on my pain meds last night and my sister suggested I not do homework while in that state...she figured that out quick! LOL I've already found that if I am medicated there are certain tasks it's best not to do. I was trying to only use strong meds at night and such, but, if I can find the right combo that I can function with, that would be best. I like being able to move. The new med the doc gave me has all kinds of uses and some positive side effects. Apparently it's an opiate. There are worse things than being mobile and having a feeling of euphoria...I'm just sayin....

I'll try to blog when I can, I love the peacefulness of the house right now!!
Ms X

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Hi! I'm using green to try to feel festive. It's not working, but, I'll keep trying. LOL I'm well, I haven't posted in a few days but I'm still eating healthy. I saw some raw recipes that look really good. I've had some great raw recipes friends have made before, I don't intend to go raw, but would like to have a lot of raw foods. I don't plan to go vegetarian either, but, like a lot of the vegeterian stuff. I really want to implement a lot of healthy eating, I just know I like hot food too, and I like meat. I haven't had red meat in a while, mostly chicken and fish. But, I am not restricting myself from anything.

So far, anything I've made and shared with my husband has been a success. Apparently I'm not making enough, go figure! At least he's enjoying healthy foods. The thought of some of the high fat goopy recipes I made so often has been grossing me out. Hopefully my mind will keep being grossed out by it!! Not everything grosses me out, but, some things do. There is a restaurant we frequented a while back that had HUGE breakfasts. I would eat it all too. I'd have pancakes, eggs, bacon, corn beef hash, hash browns, and I think that's all. Ok, now that I typed it all out it looks good. But, lately, when I think about sitting down and eating a big plate of that food, it's been very unappealing to me.

I was going to ramble on about a bunch of things, this is my first day in over 18 years of having the house to myself for several hours. I guess "several" really only meant 3 or 4. sigh. I even got work done this morning in peace! It was amazing. Even my dogs knew they needed to be quiet, which, in itself, is miraculous! Of course, while working on the computer, making phone calls, etc, my computer decided it wanted to be super slow. THAT was frustrating. Especially when I have someone on the phone helping me with something I'm doing on the computer. Arghh. I kept feeling all motivated and would get up to put in laundry or work in the kitchen and my back would remind me that if I tried to bend, it would protest, a lot. At least today I can sit down with very little pain, yesterday, all day and night I couldn't even sit without a lot of pain. Shooting pain too.

Oh! I went to my xray on Monday, that was one heck of an experience! I realized that day that I have a need for a temporary handicapped thing for my car. I parked very far away, get into the hospital and find that everything had changed and had to walk what seemed like MILES to get where I needed to go. I get there and after a while they tell me I have another place I should be at. So, I walked almost as far as I had walked to get there, then got a ride from security to another building. I must say, it was GORGEOUS outside, like a spring day. So, I'm sitting at the other building and had checked in, or so I thought. She finally calls me up and says they need my orders, so, I handed the other copy over to them (I had given the other man my orders at the other location too). So, anyway, it ended up taking much longer, there were issues with chairs that I could actually sit in, the orders not being signed by an actual doctor, you name it, I encountered more really nice people than rude, thank God. But, in the end, I had my x-ray, actually got off the table on my own, and got a ride by security back to my car (like I even had a clue where I was by this point). Stepping up into my vehicle, an Expedition, hurts a lot! Once I get my right leg up, the pain is much more tolerable pulling the rest of me up. I must look like an idiot when I am getting in. ROFL. So, anyway, I came home from the x-ray and made an appointment for my doctor to look at it the next day. So, that's what I did yesterday. He says there is definitely something wrong with one of my disks so we now need an MRI, which we need to wait up to 5 days for the insurance to approve. So, he is looking at herniated disk with sciatic pain. All I know is it hurts, a lot. I've developed a new understanding and respect for anyone with chronic pain. I always thought people were exagerating, or even faking. Not everyone, but, I definitely didn't understand. Ok God, I get it, can I get better now please???

Yes, I'm still rambling, in spite of saying I wouldn't. My daughter "can" get out of school early because it's the last day before break and she performed in a school band concert. She wants me to come get her. Now, if I were smart at all, I would make her stay there. I really would. But, I know me, no matter how much I know I should enjoy my time, I will still go get her. This child will probably drive me to the brinks of insanity before the day is even through, and they won't go back to school until January. God help me. But, I won't rush through my shower, unless standing that long bothers my back too much. :( I will "take my time" (as if I'm not slow enough lately) and I will have to go into the office, which is fine, I need to go to her school's office anyway. I sure hope I'm allowed to park by the doors, because I am. Then if I am feeling up to it, I'll go get my handicapped thing. I guess I'll see.

I had the dates wrong on my sisters arrival, she won't be here until Saturday now. That helps.

Guess I'll go for now. Have a great day!!!

Ms X

Saturday, December 12, 2009

They've just been doing it longer

Hi all! I thought I'd post something to let everyone know I'm hanging in there. I have been doing so much non-blog writing today I don't know how much I'll have left in me to blog about! With me...that may not mean a thing!

My back has been really bad today, again. I'm really frustrated and keep praying it will get better. When it's been bad before, it's always eventually gotten better. Though it's never been exactly like this before. I think it was worse one time, I mostly laid down for about a week. Of course, maybe I hadn't figured out yet that the best remedy was to sit up and have my legs up on the stool in front of me (which is not an easy task when it hurts like that) That seems to stretch it out enough that I'm able to move around better after a while. I am not one to whine and complain and talk about negative things. I've now been one of those people I can't stand to be around lately. I moan and groan when I move, wow, what has happened? I told my husband I am SO sorry that I have been so messed up. I have been pretty emotional too. There was a time where I seemed quite emotionless, apparently I am more than making up for that now.

We recently had a lot of big changes in our household, there is about to be another transition, and the transitions will continue to happen for a while. Nothing horrible though. My husband and I are together, and the kids are here. It's just too much information to share right now. I am just riding the waves I guess.

I'm happy to say that I made my husband one of "my" kind of meals earlier and he loved it! Yay! He normally would want more than what I made. I took chicken breasts, mushrooms and onions (they were frozen so not enough mushrooms, but I actually ate the onions!), zucchini, and green beans that I steamed first, and put them in the skillet with some seasonings, he liked it a lot! Then, my younger teen-age daughter and her friend tried..and liked...some of my zucchini...score! :) I may be more excited than I should be, but, I'm ok with that.

I talked to my sister on the phone earlier, one that is coming to visit this week that I haven't seen in 10 years. I never realized that I didn't actually tell her my weight. I would hate to shock her with that! I would not want to see the pain in her face. I know how much it would hurt her to see me like this without a warning. I've talked openly about it, and thought I had even told her my weight. I hesitated to tell her and said "If I tell you you'll gasp in shock", so, with that warning, she handled it well. I do know that the whole time I was growing up, she was one of the people monitoring my food intake. Back when I was fine. I guess she knew better than I what was to come. If I'm repeating myself, I apologize. It's her words that have haunted me for years. When I was in my twenties and was about 260 I said to her once that I didn't understand how anybody could be bigger than I was at that time because I couldn't imagine how anyone could eat more than me. She looked at me and said "They've just been doing it longer". I pondered it at the time, but it obviously didn't stop me from abusing myself for many more years to come. What wise words those were. How I wished I had a grip on things and had the perspective on things I have now.

I have written some heartfelt stuff to people today, I have even written some heartfelt stuff that was the start of this blog, only it didn't make it here. It really is theraputic for anyone that doesn't blog. At least writing it out helps. I have so many things I'm not sure I can even blog about, but, if I write them it will help.

I have said before, and maybe I had even heard it somewhere else, I no longer remember, that when a person gets really fat they have added layers of protection to themselves. They are trying to hide all of the pain and problems within the layers of fat. As the layers of fat come off, the problems re-emerge to be dealt with. I have found that to be frighteningly true. I don't completely understand it all yet, and I'm a Psych major. Of course I am, right? The same sister told me back when I was in High School to not go into the Psychology field because the only people who do are crazy themselves. I'm pretty sure those words may be true also, but, I guess I'll fit right in then.

I plan to help people, I'll use this whole experience to help others who need healing, others who have no hope and need someone who can relate to their pain. I have a very different outlook on things than I did 20 years ago. I have a different outlook than a year ago, thanks to the health issues I've had this year. How horrible that I have thought the things I've thought about obese people through the years. I definitely understand when someone cannot understand where I'm coming from. I just think it's unneccessary for anyone to be cruel ever. It's never ok to judge anyone else either, though I think most people have a tendency to do it to some level. Unless they've actually walked a milk in someone's shoes, nobody can understand anyone else's plight. I've been judged my whole life (probably part of the reason I had a distorted body image and thought I was fat 300 pounds ago), I've sometimes been treated very harshly. People being negative to me or saying mean things has never helped me. I remember the things people said to me that were mean, but not once has someone insulted me or tried to hurt me that I went "Oh, you're right, let me fix that". A fellow blogger that I love dearly said someone called her lazy this week, seriously? Who has the right to say that? Has that person been where she's been? People should lift each other up, not put them down. We're all here for a purpose, why waste time doing things that hurt other people?

I'm not sure where the last part came from, or if it even fits there, but, I'm leaving it. My mind races and I tend to jump all over the place. My mind is often like a room of hyperactive pre-schoolers hyped up on caffeine that have just been allowed to release their pent up energy. Yes, scary. That's my mind. I just realized how long this is. I guess I'll close for today. Thanks for "listening".
Ms X

Thursday, December 10, 2009

It's alive!!!

It works! Hooray! My I-Pod works! I got it out of its little Rice ICU, said a prayer, and turned it on. It works great! I have even charged it without any problems. Now maybe my back will heal too and I'll win the lottery! Hey...it can happen!

Today was actually a bad day for my back, even a little worse than it has been for the past couple of weeks. I didn't make it to bed early last night, not even close. I am going to try again tonight, I don't need to add "super tired" to my list of issues. I spent half the night tonight searching for paperwork I've been missing. I looked every place I could think of, and all of the hard drives of my computers for a copy of it. No luck. Then I couldn't print anything either. I finally decided I'd let me husband search for it when he gets home. I've obviously done something to anger the electronics in my house, I'm not sure what I can do to fix it!

I swore I wouldn't let myself step on a scale for a few more days, I'm writing down everything I put into my mouth but I'm finding that I am not drinking much. Normally I need a continuous flow of water right next to me. I normally drink water constantly. Ever since I've sworn to eat healthy, I have to make a point to drink. I haven't figured out why yet. Does anyone know why I am not desiring water like I normally do? I'm still drinking about 90 ounces over the course of a day, but that is nothing near what I normally drink. I'm really trying to figure things out about myself so that I can understand why I do what I do.

Geesh...this is my 3rd post and I have yet to be witty! I do appreciate all of the support and encouragement, it means a lot to me! I get excited every time I see a new comment. I am going to do my best to follow everyone's blogs and keep up with them. I have a lot going on with my work, and homework right now, and things are just plain crazy to tell the truth. But, I know that for once I need to put my health first, so, I will keep on blogging. It helps!

Thanks everyone, and have a great Friday!!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Checking in

Hi everyone! I wanted to check in and say thank you so much to everyone for all of your support and encouragement! It is truly an awesome feeling to have so many people sending well wishes my way! I appreciate it!

My scale said 470 today. I am hoping it's accurate, I had to contort myself and stand on one foot to get the numbers to stop moving, I was only touching the scale though, so, all of my weight was on it. Who knows! I had to special order a scale that could weigh me in the first place. When I ever so brilliantly stepped on the scale after eating Thanksgiving food non-stop for 2 days I weighed 489. At the time I took into consideration that I had been gorging myself for 2 days.

I had a traumatic event, for me, occur last night. I dropped my beloved i-pod touch into a sink full of soapy water. I immediately pulled it out, pulled off the cover, and dried it, I eventually placed it into a bowl of uncooked rice. My daughter laughed and said it looked like I was burying it, my sister told me on the phone to think of it more as a little rice ICU. Tomorrow I will take it out and see if it works. I am praying it does. I always said I didn't know what I would ever do if something happens to my i-pod touch. Well, now I know. I would try to save it, then I would spend 20 minutes sobbing hysterically and hyperventilating. Then, I would spend another 20 minutes sniffling, crying sporadically, and talking to myself. For the rest of the night I alternated between being normal and crying randomly. It seemed like everything I saw on the internet had a reference to i-pod touches.

Seems petty, huh? Something stupid to be so upset over? Probably so. It was more than just losing something I took with me everywhere and spoke so highly about. It was like a last straw to me. I sometimes joke that it's the only thing that keeps me sane, I read books on it all the time, I use the calculator, I play the games when I'm on hold (I am ALWAYS on hold!), I even listen to music on it! LOL. There are a million things I use it for daily. I felt like it was some sick joke that I would lose it. Things haven't gone so well for me lately in many ways. My kids have been putting me through hell. Finances have been pretty bad. The list goes on and on and on. Not only did I feel bad for the loss of my i-pod, I felt like it was just a last straw and a slap across the face.

There is good news though! I didn't want to stuff my face. I actually needed to eat because I had forgotten to eat lunch (I know..bad) so, I went and cut up boneless skinless chicken breast, mushrooms, zucchini, and Brussels sprouts (had to steam those first) and seasoned them with some black and red pepper, onion and garlic powder and ate a nice plate of yummy food. No binging, no eating junk. No desire to either! Yay! Then I actually finished my paper due in my class...with less than a minute to spare.

All hope is not lost for the I-pod, tomorrow it may work just fine. Maybe I'll get a rare full night's rest tonight, wake up without pain in the morning, and my i-pod will work again! Oh..and...maybe there will be a pot of gold sitting on my kitchen table! One can only hope!

In spite of it all, there is still much to be thankful for!!! :)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

My first official post

I am not really sure how I want to begin this. I did a lot of writing about my feelings this morning, but I don't know what I want to put on here just yet. I rarely even let those I love know how I really feel about things, the only thing about this is that I am anonymous for now, unless I choose to share my blog with my loved ones. I want to thank Susan Bodendorfer for so generously writing to me in her blog today. Her blog, and the comments that followed, gave me the encouragement to go ahead and begin my own blog. She is hilarious, has a wonderful writing style, and I have related to everything I have read so far. I also must give thanks to Debby at PuffyPixie too. She has been an inspiration for months, I adore her. Her skilled writing and humor have given me many good laughs over the past year. I'm only using the names they provide themselves on their blogs in my thanks.

I know most people have a tendency to assume I don't know the things I need to know about how to get healthy. I know what I need to do, that's not the problem, that has never been my problem. I wonder if there is truly a morbidly obese person out there that couldn't write a book about healthy eating and exercise based on their knowledge? For anyone out there that is as morbidly obese as I am, do you truly lack the information you need about healthy heating and exercise? The first thing that is always suggested to me by doctors and other well meaning people I come across is surgery. My first response is "no". This is an addiction and an emotional issue, surgery is not going to fix that.

I'll go back in time a little. Twenty years ago I was graduating from boot camp, at 5' 10"-5' 11" I weighed between 175-185 when I graduated boot camp. That was my normal weight for me back then. I believed I was grotesquely obese. I always thought I was huge back then, and many people said things to confirm my suspicions about my (perceived) enormous size. I ignored the people who assured me that there was nothing wrong with me. What did they know?

Fast forward to now. Now I am "down" to about 474 from 489. I know how I got here, I know why. I don't understand how I managed to lose my mind enough to excel in other areas of my life but ignore the fact that I was killing myself all of this time. I have childhood issues, I have regrets, I have many things that I've tried to ignore by killing myself with food. Up until this past year, I didn't have many health issues, I had the many other issues that go along with morbid obesity, but I didn't have the many health problems and pain I now have. Recently, my mobility has been drastically altered due to excruciating back pain. I pray every day for relief so I can move around freely! It's the little things!

I spent years being depressed, though I tried to be an upbeat positive person, and managed to have great friends and success in the things I set out to do in life (as long as it didn't have to do with my own health and well being). It was a few months ago that I woke up and decided that I wanted to LIVE life. I didn't want to just watch others enjoy their lives, I wanted to truly enjoy mine too. I had gone too many years not truly living. Unfortunately, I had done the damage at that point and have spent much of my time since that epiphany sick and/or immobile.

It wasn't until just over a week ago that I didn't even desire to put unhealthy foods into my body anymore. What had I been thinking when I was still polluting my body with garbage during this time? I am not dieting. I've been down that road too many times. I just desire to live again and putting all of those toxins into my body is killing me. The weather is perfect for walking, I have yet to take a walk since the weather has gotten comfortable for me. I've never been one to use a scooter or anything, I always got around fine, I still won't use one. But it sure hurts a lot getting around, especially in the morning. Even after being in bed for a brief period of time, getting up hurts a lot. I really want to change my lifestyle, I want to eventually be the active person I was 20 years ago, and not the person I've become.

I know this was lengthy, and not amusing like the other blogs that have me crying from laughing! If nothing else, it may help me just to write it. :)

Have a great day!!!!!!!