My first official post

I am not really sure how I want to begin this. I did a lot of writing about my feelings this morning, but I don't know what I want to put on here just yet. I rarely even let those I love know how I really feel about things, the only thing about this is that I am anonymous for now, unless I choose to share my blog with my loved ones. I want to thank Susan Bodendorfer for so generously writing to me in her blog today. Her blog, and the comments that followed, gave me the encouragement to go ahead and begin my own blog. She is hilarious, has a wonderful writing style, and I have related to everything I have read so far. I also must give thanks to Debby at PuffyPixie too. She has been an inspiration for months, I adore her. Her skilled writing and humor have given me many good laughs over the past year. I'm only using the names they provide themselves on their blogs in my thanks.

I know most people have a tendency to assume I don't know the things I need to know about how to get healthy. I know what I need to do, that's not the problem, that has never been my problem. I wonder if there is truly a morbidly obese person out there that couldn't write a book about healthy eating and exercise based on their knowledge? For anyone out there that is as morbidly obese as I am, do you truly lack the information you need about healthy heating and exercise? The first thing that is always suggested to me by doctors and other well meaning people I come across is surgery. My first response is "no". This is an addiction and an emotional issue, surgery is not going to fix that.

I'll go back in time a little. Twenty years ago I was graduating from boot camp, at 5' 10"-5' 11" I weighed between 175-185 when I graduated boot camp. That was my normal weight for me back then. I believed I was grotesquely obese. I always thought I was huge back then, and many people said things to confirm my suspicions about my (perceived) enormous size. I ignored the people who assured me that there was nothing wrong with me. What did they know?

Fast forward to now. Now I am "down" to about 474 from 489. I know how I got here, I know why. I don't understand how I managed to lose my mind enough to excel in other areas of my life but ignore the fact that I was killing myself all of this time. I have childhood issues, I have regrets, I have many things that I've tried to ignore by killing myself with food. Up until this past year, I didn't have many health issues, I had the many other issues that go along with morbid obesity, but I didn't have the many health problems and pain I now have. Recently, my mobility has been drastically altered due to excruciating back pain. I pray every day for relief so I can move around freely! It's the little things!

I spent years being depressed, though I tried to be an upbeat positive person, and managed to have great friends and success in the things I set out to do in life (as long as it didn't have to do with my own health and well being). It was a few months ago that I woke up and decided that I wanted to LIVE life. I didn't want to just watch others enjoy their lives, I wanted to truly enjoy mine too. I had gone too many years not truly living. Unfortunately, I had done the damage at that point and have spent much of my time since that epiphany sick and/or immobile.

It wasn't until just over a week ago that I didn't even desire to put unhealthy foods into my body anymore. What had I been thinking when I was still polluting my body with garbage during this time? I am not dieting. I've been down that road too many times. I just desire to live again and putting all of those toxins into my body is killing me. The weather is perfect for walking, I have yet to take a walk since the weather has gotten comfortable for me. I've never been one to use a scooter or anything, I always got around fine, I still won't use one. But it sure hurts a lot getting around, especially in the morning. Even after being in bed for a brief period of time, getting up hurts a lot. I really want to change my lifestyle, I want to eventually be the active person I was 20 years ago, and not the person I've become.

I know this was lengthy, and not amusing like the other blogs that have me crying from laughing! If nothing else, it may help me just to write it. :)

Have a great day!!!!!!!