Tuesday, December 8, 2009

My first official post

I am not really sure how I want to begin this. I did a lot of writing about my feelings this morning, but I don't know what I want to put on here just yet. I rarely even let those I love know how I really feel about things, the only thing about this is that I am anonymous for now, unless I choose to share my blog with my loved ones. I want to thank Susan Bodendorfer for so generously writing to me in her blog today. Her blog, and the comments that followed, gave me the encouragement to go ahead and begin my own blog. She is hilarious, has a wonderful writing style, and I have related to everything I have read so far. I also must give thanks to Debby at PuffyPixie too. She has been an inspiration for months, I adore her. Her skilled writing and humor have given me many good laughs over the past year. I'm only using the names they provide themselves on their blogs in my thanks.

I know most people have a tendency to assume I don't know the things I need to know about how to get healthy. I know what I need to do, that's not the problem, that has never been my problem. I wonder if there is truly a morbidly obese person out there that couldn't write a book about healthy eating and exercise based on their knowledge? For anyone out there that is as morbidly obese as I am, do you truly lack the information you need about healthy heating and exercise? The first thing that is always suggested to me by doctors and other well meaning people I come across is surgery. My first response is "no". This is an addiction and an emotional issue, surgery is not going to fix that.

I'll go back in time a little. Twenty years ago I was graduating from boot camp, at 5' 10"-5' 11" I weighed between 175-185 when I graduated boot camp. That was my normal weight for me back then. I believed I was grotesquely obese. I always thought I was huge back then, and many people said things to confirm my suspicions about my (perceived) enormous size. I ignored the people who assured me that there was nothing wrong with me. What did they know?

Fast forward to now. Now I am "down" to about 474 from 489. I know how I got here, I know why. I don't understand how I managed to lose my mind enough to excel in other areas of my life but ignore the fact that I was killing myself all of this time. I have childhood issues, I have regrets, I have many things that I've tried to ignore by killing myself with food. Up until this past year, I didn't have many health issues, I had the many other issues that go along with morbid obesity, but I didn't have the many health problems and pain I now have. Recently, my mobility has been drastically altered due to excruciating back pain. I pray every day for relief so I can move around freely! It's the little things!

I spent years being depressed, though I tried to be an upbeat positive person, and managed to have great friends and success in the things I set out to do in life (as long as it didn't have to do with my own health and well being). It was a few months ago that I woke up and decided that I wanted to LIVE life. I didn't want to just watch others enjoy their lives, I wanted to truly enjoy mine too. I had gone too many years not truly living. Unfortunately, I had done the damage at that point and have spent much of my time since that epiphany sick and/or immobile.

It wasn't until just over a week ago that I didn't even desire to put unhealthy foods into my body anymore. What had I been thinking when I was still polluting my body with garbage during this time? I am not dieting. I've been down that road too many times. I just desire to live again and putting all of those toxins into my body is killing me. The weather is perfect for walking, I have yet to take a walk since the weather has gotten comfortable for me. I've never been one to use a scooter or anything, I always got around fine, I still won't use one. But it sure hurts a lot getting around, especially in the morning. Even after being in bed for a brief period of time, getting up hurts a lot. I really want to change my lifestyle, I want to eventually be the active person I was 20 years ago, and not the person I've become.

I know this was lengthy, and not amusing like the other blogs that have me crying from laughing! If nothing else, it may help me just to write it. :)

Have a great day!!!!!!!


  1. Yay! I'm so glad you started your blog, Ms. X! I've just added you to my blogroll. :-D

    Your first post is wonderful, warm, sincere and honest. I look forward to following you on your journey to health and that lean, fit body you dream of and deserve.

    You've just taken the first step in changing your life. I have no doubt you'll be a triumphant success story in the near future.

    Wishing you great happiness and success,


    (btw--thanks for the kind words you said about me and my blog!)

  2. Good for you. Yes, we all have regrets, but killing ourselves slowly is not going to change the past. The fact that you are here now means you have something left to accomplish in THIS lifetime. What is it? And while you're working on that, go ahead and take good care of you so that you can do whatever it is that needs doing. I'm rooting for you! You can do it! Be patient, be kind to yourself, and most of all, be forgiving. Baby steps, blah blah blah. You know what to do!

  3. I thought this was a great first blog post! Good luck on your journey, I look forward to reading about it. :)

  4. Ms. X! I am so glad you're a blogger! This post was wonderful. I love your willingness to be vulnerable and share your truth. :D You're on my reading list. Deb

  5. Welcome to the Blogosphere! You can do this! It's gonna be hard and take a REALLY long time, but you can do it! Take care of yourself! You're important!

  6. Hi Ms X, My name is Kat and I was morbidly obese a couple of years ago. I am now just "obese" and am slowly working towards a healthy weight. I can tell you that obese feels better than morbidly obese...:-)For me, my healing began when I started to forgive myself for my mistakes that got me to my high weight. I started a blog about six months ago and it has been super helpful to me to meet other people with similar struggles. I think it is brave of you to start a blog and congratulations on your weight loss. I look forward to following your journey and feel free to reach out to me if you need any additional support.

  7. All of us in this cirlce of weightloss bloggerdom certainly know the rules and facts. We all know that's not what stops us, holds us back and gets in our way. It's us. We get in our own ways.

    Glad you joined us. Great first post. The beauty of this is, lots of support. :)

  8. Wow! I thank you all so much! I am amazed at all of the support and encouragement! As I spend more time on here I will become more familiar with how to do this correctly. I will take some time to visit everyone's blogs as well. :) Thanks again!!

  9. Great first post - hope your blogging helps you as much as it has done for me. There are so many fantastic, supportive bloggers out there too so you need never feel alone with your journey.

    When you wrote "I don't understand how I managed to lose my mind enough to excel in other areas of my life but ignore the fact that I was killing myself all of this time." you could have been describing me too.

    I wish you every success and am sure in my heart that you will succeed. It will be hard, and you will struggle at times but don't give up. Keep at it, and look forward to showing off that new, improved Ms X!

  10. Holy crap. If I wasn't snotting all over I'm sure I'd have something helpful or motivating to say. Just two words come to mind...

    Yay you!!!!

  11. Hi Mrs. X!! I too am on the journey to find the health/body I had 20 years ago. I am currently @ 285lbs. My high was 333. I got down to 275 a few months ago, but have gained due to the crazy thing called life. Together we can do this. I have found more support and love through blogging and twitter then any program or support groups I've done. Good luck on your journey and thank you for letting me be a part of it! xoxo

  12. What an awesome first entry -- welcome to the blogosphere, Ms. X :)