Tuesday, April 5, 2011

It's true...being fat will eventually kill you!!!!

How's the for an attention grabber? You know what, I don't want to die. I should have realized this a long time ago. I am up most nights in a lot of pain. I have diabetic neuropathy in my feet, it is now in my lower legs too. For anyone who has not experienced this sensation, be glad! My feet are constantly sensitive, almost constantly in a lot of pain, they tingle, they burn, they have sharp jolts of pain going through them, all at the same time! The jolts of pain, fortunately, are more at night. I take a ton of meds for various things in the evening and just wait for them to kick in so the pain is dulled and I can sleep. Last night I resorted to going barefoot and changing the blanket on my stool that I sleep with my feet on. What the heck does it take for me to wake up and DO what I need to DO? I was (long distance) with a friend who is like a sister to me all through her ordeal before her husband succumbed to diabetes complications and passed away at 39. This was about 4 years ago. What is WRONG with me? It was hell when my mom died in June. I suffer EVERY day with a lot of pain. I have severe neuropain, back pain, (I can only sleep in a recliner, every once in a while I'll sleep a few hours in my bed because my other pain is so much, but I pay later!), I sleep with a cpap machine. I have been carrying around 300 extra pounds for several years now. When I walk things pop and crackle. My knees are bad, though they aren't flaring every day. My hip has issues. I have a lot of sciatic pain from my back problems in my thighs and, oddly enough, my butt cheeks. Or is it odd? Maybe that's "normal". I'm pretty sure that a normal person couldn't carry 300 lbs on their back at all, let alone ALWAYS. Now, add that to all of my aches and pains. Oh, I now have tendonitis in my right arm, it's been flaring for about a month. I go through times where my wrists hurt, especially my left one. I have dark patches of skin on my neck that are very visible. I have a lot of nasty skin tags. My skin is a mess, it's just unhealthy. I have really heavy painful periods. Sadly, I think I'm leaving things out here too.

I could go on for hours about the many things that got me here. What it boils down to is that I got myself here and I have to get myself out. I read an article earlier about someone who was stuck to a chair, not my first time reading of such a thing. The families of these people keep feeding them, even though they can't/don't even get up to use the bathroom or clean themselves. These people have their skin melded to the chair/toilet or whatever they're stuck to. I saw an episode of something on tv once where a man was put in a hospital and lost a bunch of weight. At home with his wife he was really moody and nasty and miserable and wanted his food again. The list goes on and on. I think of last year when I spent months barely able to move. Pure stubbornness over not wanting to go to the bathroom on myself was often my only motivation because my back was screaming in pain. There was another weekend a few months ago where I was down hard. One time my husband tried to help me up and I started screaming and shrieking because my back seized up. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? How can I go through all of this and still not eat healthy and exercise? I have a family that I love and adore, I have wonderful friends that I adore. I want to LIVE. Really live! I want to be here for them. I started this blog a long time ago, and in all this time my health has only gotten worse. The ONLY good thing I can say is that my weight is not where it was at its highest. That's the only good thing I can say. I need all of the prayers and support I can get.
I'll be back.
Ms X