Sunday, January 31, 2010

Get er done!

Not sure where the title came from. LOL. I hope everyone is well. As usual, my best time to blog is when I am driving, showering, or cooking, therefore, I haven't been doing it. Why is that?

I got back on diabetes meds like a good girl, yay me! I've been on them for about a week now. I'm even remembering to check my blood sugar levels. I was so excited when the doctor set me up on a home delivery program. Then realized I probably shouldn't be excited about the home delivery of medical supplies. Then, I realized that as long as I'm excited and happy about it, whatever. I need to remember to eat. Yes, what irony! I have been so busy with things and otherwise occupied, I often forget to eat. I have actually been downright angry before because I didn't want to eat and was mad that my sugar was low and I had to eat. When you are a super mega morbidly obese person and you don't want to eat, you shouldn't have to!!!! My close friend and boss has been on me to make sure I eat, but, she never eats either. Seriously though, I am trying. I am learning that activity changes my blood sugar levels quickly. I am keeping things around and am working on making sure I eat before my sugar drops. I have been pretty good about breakfast, though I don't get to it until late sometimes. I eat when I cook dinner for the family. Otherwise, I'm working on the other times.

Funny how I really feel like I woke up fat a few months ago. I saw that someone already used that title for their blog. What a bummer because it was so profound to me and I really thought that those words meant so much. I think I've blogged about that before though, how parts of me just woke up recently. I could tell anyone any detail they needed on how much I weighed, the issues I have, etc. I can logically see the many ways that being so obese affects me. Yet, in so many ways I didn't truly see that it was me. I don't know how to explain that at all. If I could figure it out, I would love to. I really feel like I woke up. me. The real me. The person I had hidden inside. Unfortunately, I did a darn good job of making my body a prison. Now it is so weird to me, I often ask myself "why?" I wonder about the different things that would have kept me from the downward spiral I was on for 18 or so years.

I have evaluated a lot of things. I still have my moments that scare me. I get so angry and hostile. I don't beat people or anything, but, I do see my dad's behavior in me. I so often wonder about him now. He is an alcoholic, and has been for most of my life. He would get angry and lash out, he was miserable and unhappy. (he's still alive but I haven't actually seen him in about ...17 years or so.) I have one time that sticks out in my head, he was always angry and would say mean things to me. One night I walked in the door to the garage and he was sitting drinking on the other side of the garage, where he drank every night. He immediately began going off on me. I don't know what got into me but I walked across the garage and went behind him and leaned over and hugged him. He held onto my arms SOO tightly, it was so desperate and I realized how much he hurts. I am glad that moment happened, I hope to never forget it. I have no idea what he was yelling at me about, it doesn't matter. I did everything I did to be perfect so I could make him happy. Which I've learned, nobody can do that for another person. Anyway, he looked scared as I walked towards him. I saw fear in my dad's eyes, he's physically strong, and I was always scared to death of him, but there was fear there, and pain. So, anyway, I get in those moods sometimes, while sober. I know food is my addiction, as alcohol is his.

I promise I won't write a book on this blog tonight. I do get wordy. I figure maybe one person might read it that can relate. Ideally, at some point I would love to help people. I want to use my experiences to reach out and stop other people from hurting. So many people in this world hurt, from so many things. I don't know if I wrote about it or not, but, my sister has so many wounds, I had no idea she was as fragile she is at almost 50. Her story is completely different from mine, but, we all have different experiences and different perceptions of the experiences we share. Everyone has a different way of thinking and a different way of looking at things. My siblings look at the bad, and interpreted everything that happened to them as children as bad. They still have a tendency to do that. I just try to step back and see things from different perspectives and find the good in people and situations.

There's a lot going on right now in my life, a few bad things, but overall I think many things are looking really good. There's much work to be done in all aspects and areas, I don't think it would be a good thing if there were no work to do at all. Though I can think of some things I would love to see done!!

I choose to make downtime for myself by reading before bed or playing some mindless game on the computer. Even when I have other stuff that can be done. Not to say that's all I do, not at all. But, I have learned that everyone needs some downtime. My children have a tendency to come into wherever I am, no matter what I am doing and hang out and talk to me. Mostly my girls. I end up staying up very late much of the time because I need the down time but don't want to deny them that time they want with me. I am glad my kids like to be with me, I'm glad they want to come into my room, or wherever I am, and talk to me. It's a good trade off.

That being said, I have to get up with my younger two in the morning, and then I have a lot of work that needs to be done from then on out. I'll try to make a point of blogging regularly, I'm working on it. Oh...the last time I weighed myself was about a week ago. I was bloated, crampy, and had already eaten, and I "only" weighed 470. I was thrilled! A very strange thing to say, but, considering I really DO weigh almost 500 lbs, and I really DID weigh more, I am glad. I haven't weighed myself since because I always gulp down tons of water and eat before I finally think about it, I usually think about it at the end of the day. I try to only weigh myself in the morning before I've had anything. I'll try to remember to weigh myself soon.

Thanks for reading!
Ms X

Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm still here

I'm still here. I think about my blog at times when I am not near a computer, they are also times when being on the computer blogging would not be wise. When I am in the shower, I always have profound thoughts. When I am driving, I have my best thoughts. Obviously, those are two times I really can't blog.

A lot has been going on, there have been several times where things happened I just couldn't blog about. But, all is good overall.

I have another class done. I was VERY irritated that I was .9 points away from an A. They actually give B+ at my college, but, come on! The sad thing is, turning in my work late is what lowered my points in the first place. Not all of my work, but, enough of it to get a B+. So, it was all my fault. But, the fact that I was SOOO close...that is what gets me! I am currently considering holding off my next class because we have so much going on with getting the business up and running, etc.

I've been making sure I get some form of exercise daily. I need to see my doctor and have a mile long to do list, but, I'm eventually going to make a huge dent in the list, I've been working on it. I need to organize and declutter, not just things, but, my issues! LOL

I have been learning more about myself and when I need to eat, I forget to eat when I'm busy. It causes problems. What happens is that I will suddenly get dizzy, shaky, etc. Even in my "normal" sized days I would have this problem. They could never figure out what was wrong with me before, my blood sugars and all other tests showed I was normal back then. It has been really bad lately because I am busy and no longer working from home and my habits have changed a lot. The more active I am, the sooner I get dizzy. Today I thought I'd have to pull off the road because when it hits me, it's often sudden. When I was a teen-ager and with my 2nd pregnancy at 25, I passed out fairly often, usually when I felt dizzy and shaky first. So, I now know that I HAVE to make sure I have plenty of things available to eat, and that I set an alarm on my phone or something to remember to eat something every couple of hours. I know it needs to be healthy choices and a balance in food groups. I've always thought that it is ironic that I will not want to eat at all when I'm busy and I get sick if I don't eat, so I end up having to make myself eat, even when I don't want to. Of all the times I consume everything that can't run faster than me, what irony that I have to force myself to eat the times I don't want to. I swear, I am one extreme or the other! So, that is one of the kinks that I need to work out.

I hope everyone is well, I will try to catch up on blogs. I swore I would relax and read tonight, or play a mindless game on the computer, but, I keep finding things to do first. :)
Ms X

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Confessions of a morbidly obese person

I don't think I have answered anyone's rude!! I have appreciated anyone who has commented or "followed" me, it makes me feel "loved" when people respond. I'm still getting the hang of this. I've been reading people's blogs and I think I do want to be more aggressive on my weight loss efforts, I want to get to a healthier place much quicker.

I spent so much time ignoring how fat I am and avoiding things all these years. I spent much of my time home and with people I was already close to. My monthly "girls night out" events were one of the few times my weight was in my face. I worked from home, when I went to trainings and such that were work related, I had a good reputation that proceeded me. I know there were a few times over the years that my weight directly related whether or not people would choose to have their child in my care, but, most of the time they could see that I worked very hard at what I did and loved what I did and used me in spite of it. Thanks to the internet I was able to go to college. I've definitely been a mess when it comes to my own physical well being. I have been able to tell people my actual weight and talk matter of factly about it for years, I have been able to discuss it on an "educational" level, but, it was really as if I were talking about someone else.

Yes, I do have health issues...when did that happen?

I have had sleep apnea for years now, it's been at least 6 or 7 years that I have used a CPAP machine at night. I am so used to it I often forget that it's a weight related health issue. As annoying and cumbersome as it can be, a lot of times the air coming through comforts me. I was very afraid I wouldn't be able to handle having that on my face and prayed about it a lot. When I was in the Navy and we did firefighting stuff I panicked with the gear on my face. I'm thankful I've been able to handle the CPAP and the high pressure air that comes out. There was only one time that I didn't have the whole machine with me when I stayed over somewhere, I was so afraid I'd keep people up that I barely slept. Of course, I know I could just die while sleeping, even if I'm alone, so, I always use my machine. Before I got the machine I couldn't stay awake or anything, it was really bad. I had to get up early and work and if I sat down I would fall asleep, pretty scary. My husband was out to sea a lot and when he was home he complained about how loud I snored. It was an ugly time before I got my machine.

As of 2009, I also have the back pain, lately if I sleep in my recliner chair with the heating thing on, it's MUCH better, thank God. I pray my chair makes it through this time. Anyone who's ever weighed as much as me can understand that last statement. I really want to sleep in my bed. A lot. The last few nights I have had a horrible time getting to sleep in that chair. I haven't been taking a bunch of medications for pain, and I think those helped me sleep.

Also new in 2009, I have major neuropathic foot pain. It keeps me up at night too. I plan to see the doc soon and ask what can be done, besides the obvious "eat right, exercise, etc" that I know about. I've been making sure I at least get out and walk some each day, and get up and do more around the house. It's hard to believe there was a time when I walked everywhere I went, on purpose, and couldn't sit still or sit down long enough to relax. I would love to be that person again! Well, at least to have that energy and motivation and drive. It was hard admitting to myself that I am not the person I used to be. I can go on for days and days about the things that led to this, but, all that matters is to know what I can do to fix me and what I can and can't do to make it better. The neuropathic foot pain is the only thing that makes me believe I do have diabetes. My sugar levels have never been right, even when I was 300 pounds less and 18-19 years old. Even before that. In 2009 I was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure on the same day, but the same doctor. She was new and it was clear she expected and wanted me to have all of the "fat people" diseases. My blood pressure may have been high because I'd been avoiding doctors and was traumatized, plus, I couldn't sit down in the chairs they had to do my blood pressure, their scales didn't go high enough, and the blood pressure cuff wasn't big enough. My blood pressure has been pretty normal when it's been tested since then. When I test my sugar it's usually in the low 200s, when it goes lower than that I feel like I have low sugar, at least when I compare how I feel at that time, it matches those symptoms. It's also exactly how I've felt for years when I don't eat for hours. Who knows.

I also, as of this past year, have a racing heart thing that happens sometimes. They checked me out and I was cleared, but, there is something slightly off about my heart. I hadn't experienced it in a couple of months and just this week have had it slightly a few times. How interesting that when I'm off of the pain medications for my back or kidney infection or whatever is wrong with me, the neuropathic foot pain and (sometimes) heart thing comes back full force. Hmmm. So, stay on pain meds? I can't sleep without them either. I really don't want to be on ANY meds. I have to remind myself to take anything I am supposed to take anytime I'm on meds at all.

I have been feeling off today and super tired and stuff. My hubby is sick, so, maybe it's just a virus or something. The weather is getting cold too. I know I do want to get better. I want to be normal. I've missed out on so much fun in my life and so many opportunities because of my size. My kids haven't had the mom they could have, because of my size. I need support and encouragement.

I looked into a local indoor pool recently, no luck yet. Of course, depending on the environment, I might be really uncomfortable anyway. I tried to see if there was any kind of sponsorship for someone like me at a workout place or the Y or something. At this point I'm not so comfortable at a gym, I did the gym thing when I was losing weight and got just under 400. It was hard enough dealing with the stares then, the equipment made noises sometimes too. I'm trying to get out and walk and stuff and get exercise that way for starters.

One last thing, not sure it fits here. I spend time on facebook reconnecting, though I don't have my own pictures up. I am amazed at how I'm the ONLY person that I went to high school with that gained weight! Everyone else looks great! What the heck??? Not only that, people always say "you look great" to each other and are always commenting on how great everyone else looks. I think I may have actually ranted about this before. I wonder, if I had stayed closer to my childhood home and stayed near people, would I have not gained like I did?? My siblings didn't gain. The people from the Navy, they didn't gain either. I have come across very few people who gained anything at all. Even the "fat" ones are the same size (or less) than high school. Can anyone explain this phenomena??

Ok, I'd better get going. I appreciate anyone who actually reads through my ramblings.......Thanks:)
Ms X

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Demons to Conquer

I have read a few blogs and a lot of facebook comments the past few days. I've got a few projects done around my house, and have TONS left to do. I have to get back to work tomorrow, and my class starts back up the next day, classes went on a 2 week break right before my final week of class. Guess who has took that whole 2 weeks off and has LOTS of work to do?? I have to admit, it really was nice to do whatever I wanted for a week. The first week I didn't because it took everything in me to handle my sister being here. It would take a team of trained psychiatrists to explain all of that. It may be a blessing that my back was out the first part of her visit because one of the meds the doctor gave me for pain caused "euphoria" and all kinds of other happy thoughts. When I took something for pain, I'd reach for that one. It kept everyone alive. Don't worry, didn't get addicted. My husband got upset when I told him, until I explained that I needed SOMETHING for the pain so I chose that one. Then he understood. Maybe he was just jealous that he didn't have happy pills.

I have no idea if I blogged about the MRI, I think I did so I won't repeat anything about that lovely experience. I'm happy to say, my back is getting better again as of yesterday. It never got as bad as it had been, thank God. That whole situation really ticked me off, I plan to make some calls this week and raise some hell.

I had a lot of fun on New Year's eve. It was nice going out and actually DOING something instead of staying home like hubby prefers. We didn't know if we would make it through the whole night of festivities, but, we actually lasted from 7pm to 2:00 am at the party. I must say, it's hard to be trapped in this body in that environment, maybe if I'd been doing things like that all these years I wouldn't have gotten so huge. I did not get up one time and dance. I would have LOVED to dance though. I know how ridiculous I look. Not to mention, I'm pretty dangerous out there, if I were to shake my butt around, I could take out half the room. My back was hurting that night, and my feet were stuffed into ugly old lady shoes a size too small. My left foot still hasn't recovered from that. As much as it bothers my husband, I haven't been able to dance in front of him and stuff since I was 18 or 19 years old, he wishes I would, I can't. Back then I danced and had a good old time when I went out, sometimes my friend and I would be the only two on the floor. So, less than 20 years after that, here I sit all night while legions of 60 year olds danced all night. Yeah, I think pathetic could definitely describe me. My hubby and I didn't even slow dance, I'm sure if I had persisted he would have, but I didn't want to either. At the end of the night they had a really hearty breakfast. After almost everyone there had grabbed breakfast, I carefully made my way through the people and tables to the stairs. (I need a lot of room to get by people without knocking them out) I got to the stairs and it just about kicked my butt walking up them. My knees, feet, legs, back, everything hurt! I'M the one who DIDN'T dance. I was also one of the younger people there. I thought "what the hell???" I watched these people, they didn't appear to be in pain out there! The other women my age were in gorgeous dresses and having the time of their lives. What have I done to myself to be this way? I spent years being miserable and depressed and all kinds of other things, I spent years worrying about everyone else's happiness and not my own. I was in denial about my own issues and hid behind good food and spending too much money. (that's a whole other issue) Now I am way bigger than everyone else and suffering from my years of self abuse, even though I don't feel the way I did all those years anymore. Does that make any sense?? Now I want to live and enjoy life and I trappped myself in this abused body.

Ok, onto my next thought. I was out with my 13 year old daughter yesterday, her quest in life this past year has been to dominate the world with skinny jeans, ok, maybe I'm exaggerating, but, now that she has 8 pairs of them, and it includes extreme skinny and super skinny jeans, she actually said she has enough. Gasp. It's true! So, anyway, we get home and I organize my spice cupboard (a long overdue task) and then we played upwards. So, I finally get on my laptop after being away from it all day, and I had been tagged on facebook in very unflattering pictures. Ok, that is a big issue for me. I have NO pictures of me on facebook for a reason. I allowed someone to photograph me looking like death warmed over at my house. So, I haven't let anyone on facebook see how BIG I've gotten because they are intelligent enough to know I avoid my own photographs for a reason, but, the horror of it is lost on them because they don't know HOW bad it really is. If I were to actually post a picture, it would be one that shows me at my best, not the ones she showed. So, I panicked and freaked out and calmly untagged myself and nicely asked that she make sure none of my friends can see them and that the two extremely unflattering ones have me cropped out. Yes, this is where the title of this post came from. It's not just this though, I have a lot of demons to conquer, several have been referenced in this post. I'm sure my list could go on for miles though, there are many. I know that we all have demons to face, some demons are worse than others, some have more demons than others, but, we all have them. Mine seem to come up with each layer of fat that comes off. Oh, I doubt any layers have come off in the past 2 weeks...but the demons are still appearing.

I've always hated New Years resolutions. My step mom used to make a HUGE deal out of them every year and would then be done with them in a month. That left a bad taste in my mouth, so, I don't do it. However, a new year is a great time to have goals and things you want to accomplish before the year is out. I can agree to that. I want to have my whole house in order and organized, I want to de-clutter my house and my life. I want to get my finances on track, some way somehow, I want to stay on track and have my bachelors by year's end. I want to have much success in my new position. I want to be healthy and happy. I don't know what an honest, realistic weight goal is for me, especially considering I'm changing my lifestyle, not dieting. I see people who lose 200 in a year, and I see people that lose 50 in a year. It used to be that I would lose 30 or more in a month's time when I dieted. This last year when I dieted I busted my butt and only lost that in a couple of months. I do admit that losing a large chunk quickly without losing any body parts other than fat would be ideal. Being a "normal" fat would be so much easier than being THIS fat. I've now met TWO doctors I like, both males, which surprised me. Well, apparently one is a nurse practioner. But, that will work too I guess. I'm thrilled though to have doctors that I like, that hasn't happened a lot over the years. Anyway, I would love to bring 2011 in a much happier, healthier person. That would be awesome! Also, I'd LOVE to be much closer to a normal weight by my 40th in June of 2011. Anyway, the day is passing quickly, tomorrow a "normal" week begins. I have MUCH to do. Happy New Year to all!!!
Ms. X