Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Confessions of a morbidly obese person

I don't think I have answered anyone's comments...how rude!! I have appreciated anyone who has commented or "followed" me, it makes me feel "loved" when people respond. I'm still getting the hang of this. I've been reading people's blogs and I think I do want to be more aggressive on my weight loss efforts, I want to get to a healthier place much quicker.

I spent so much time ignoring how fat I am and avoiding things all these years. I spent much of my time home and with people I was already close to. My monthly "girls night out" events were one of the few times my weight was in my face. I worked from home, when I went to trainings and such that were work related, I had a good reputation that proceeded me. I know there were a few times over the years that my weight directly related whether or not people would choose to have their child in my care, but, most of the time they could see that I worked very hard at what I did and loved what I did and used me in spite of it. Thanks to the internet I was able to go to college. I've definitely been a mess when it comes to my own physical well being. I have been able to tell people my actual weight and talk matter of factly about it for years, I have been able to discuss it on an "educational" level, but, it was really as if I were talking about someone else.

Yes, I do have health issues...when did that happen?

I have had sleep apnea for years now, it's been at least 6 or 7 years that I have used a CPAP machine at night. I am so used to it I often forget that it's a weight related health issue. As annoying and cumbersome as it can be, a lot of times the air coming through comforts me. I was very afraid I wouldn't be able to handle having that on my face and prayed about it a lot. When I was in the Navy and we did firefighting stuff I panicked with the gear on my face. I'm thankful I've been able to handle the CPAP and the high pressure air that comes out. There was only one time that I didn't have the whole machine with me when I stayed over somewhere, I was so afraid I'd keep people up that I barely slept. Of course, I know I could just die while sleeping, even if I'm alone, so, I always use my machine. Before I got the machine I couldn't stay awake or anything, it was really bad. I had to get up early and work and if I sat down I would fall asleep, pretty scary. My husband was out to sea a lot and when he was home he complained about how loud I snored. It was an ugly time before I got my machine.

As of 2009, I also have the back pain, lately if I sleep in my recliner chair with the heating thing on, it's MUCH better, thank God. I pray my chair makes it through this time. Anyone who's ever weighed as much as me can understand that last statement. I really want to sleep in my bed. A lot. The last few nights I have had a horrible time getting to sleep in that chair. I haven't been taking a bunch of medications for pain, and I think those helped me sleep.

Also new in 2009, I have major neuropathic foot pain. It keeps me up at night too. I plan to see the doc soon and ask what can be done, besides the obvious "eat right, exercise, etc" that I know about. I've been making sure I at least get out and walk some each day, and get up and do more around the house. It's hard to believe there was a time when I walked everywhere I went, on purpose, and couldn't sit still or sit down long enough to relax. I would love to be that person again! Well, at least to have that energy and motivation and drive. It was hard admitting to myself that I am not the person I used to be. I can go on for days and days about the things that led to this, but, all that matters is to know what I can do to fix me and what I can and can't do to make it better. The neuropathic foot pain is the only thing that makes me believe I do have diabetes. My sugar levels have never been right, even when I was 300 pounds less and 18-19 years old. Even before that. In 2009 I was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure on the same day, but the same doctor. She was new and it was clear she expected and wanted me to have all of the "fat people" diseases. My blood pressure may have been high because I'd been avoiding doctors and was traumatized, plus, I couldn't sit down in the chairs they had to do my blood pressure, their scales didn't go high enough, and the blood pressure cuff wasn't big enough. My blood pressure has been pretty normal when it's been tested since then. When I test my sugar it's usually in the low 200s, when it goes lower than that I feel like I have low sugar, at least when I compare how I feel at that time, it matches those symptoms. It's also exactly how I've felt for years when I don't eat for hours. Who knows.

I also, as of this past year, have a racing heart thing that happens sometimes. They checked me out and I was cleared, but, there is something slightly off about my heart. I hadn't experienced it in a couple of months and just this week have had it slightly a few times. How interesting that when I'm off of the pain medications for my back or kidney infection or whatever is wrong with me, the neuropathic foot pain and (sometimes) heart thing comes back full force. Hmmm. So, stay on pain meds? I can't sleep without them either. I really don't want to be on ANY meds. I have to remind myself to take anything I am supposed to take anytime I'm on meds at all.

I have been feeling off today and super tired and stuff. My hubby is sick, so, maybe it's just a virus or something. The weather is getting cold too. I know I do want to get better. I want to be normal. I've missed out on so much fun in my life and so many opportunities because of my size. My kids haven't had the mom they could have, because of my size. I need support and encouragement.

I looked into a local indoor pool recently, no luck yet. Of course, depending on the environment, I might be really uncomfortable anyway. I tried to see if there was any kind of sponsorship for someone like me at a workout place or the Y or something. At this point I'm not so comfortable at a gym, I did the gym thing when I was losing weight and got just under 400. It was hard enough dealing with the stares then, the equipment made noises sometimes too. I'm trying to get out and walk and stuff and get exercise that way for starters.

One last thing, not sure it fits here. I spend time on facebook reconnecting, though I don't have my own pictures up. I am amazed at how I'm the ONLY person that I went to high school with that gained weight! Everyone else looks great! What the heck??? Not only that, people always say "you look great" to each other and are always commenting on how great everyone else looks. I think I may have actually ranted about this before. I wonder, if I had stayed closer to my childhood home and stayed near people, would I have not gained like I did?? My siblings didn't gain. The people from the Navy, they didn't gain either. I have come across very few people who gained anything at all. Even the "fat" ones are the same size (or less) than high school. Can anyone explain this phenomena??

Ok, I'd better get going. I appreciate anyone who actually reads through my ramblings.......Thanks:)
Ms X


  1. Hi. That's quite a list! It is amazing that you have the determination that you do--health problems just sap one of energy as well as hope. The diabetes is a rough one--getting that under control really WILL help many of the other symptoms. (I can tell when my glucose levels are consistantly under 150--the difference in pain level alone is amazing!)

    2010 is gonna bring great things! I can feel it.


  2. Could your racing heart thing be an anxiety issue? You're obviously thinking very hard about lots of things and that can give me anxiety. I know this seems totally unrelated, but do you take a B Complex vitamin? My mom actually suggested it to me when I was having those panicky heart racing moments that don't even feel like you're nervous about anything really, and it made them go totally away. I'm no doctor of course, but it helped. Speaking of which I forgot to take my vitamins today, better go do that.

    Maybe they did gain weight and they only put realllly good pictures of themselves on facebook. It's amazing what tilting your head up toward the camera can do for a double chin. ;) Trust me. I use that technique allll the time. hehe

  3. Good Lord that was a lot to read before my coffee!!! You know I love you if I read BEFORE my coffee!!!

    So many things going through my mind right now. I started to say it doesn't matter how you got where you are today...but maybe it does. Oprah's dude....Bob Green I think? I remember him saying years ago that you're not fat without an emotional reason. I said PAH...yes I did, right out loud to him at that time. I believed I was fat because I like to eat. I've since been letting the idea roll around my brain that maybe there might have been more. I mean really...I guess I can understand a few pounds because I like to eat....but who, without a reason, lets themself get super morbidly obese? That's it Mrs. X! You and I are certifiablly crazy!

    That said, you are what you are and where you are and you can only go forward. You have to do what you can and how you can. If walking a bit is all the exercise you can do/afford/mentally handle right now...then do that. If a strict diet isn't something you can face right now...take it in steps. You're trying to eat more veg, more fruit, etc. Get that under control and then add something else.

    We HAVE to step out of our comfort zone...I can tell you that much. I'm so stuck right in the middle of my zone right now it will take a pry bar to get me out!! I don't want to!!!! How's that for a petulant child scream????

    A lot of your medical issues are weight related. You want to sleep in your bed....losing weight may help that. YOu won't know until you try. I know the apnea will be helped and the myriad of other health issues could become so much better.

    Could your racing heart be panic attacks? When you're on the pain meds it might knock the edge off your nerves? Just a thought.

    Grief I'm writing a novel here. I just love you so much I want to reach out and help any way I can. I'm going to try journaling for the first time ever....maybe that will help you? See how I'm feeling when I eat and when I don't eat etc. Just a thought....

    Keep doing what you can....I'll be here for the duration!

  4. Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate them! I posted the comments as I read them and then logged on and realized I can't comment individually. :( I'll figure this out sooner or later!
    Deb..You mention pain, do you mean neuropathic pain or pain in general?
    Ms Snarky Pants..Maybe it's anxiety, that's not something they mentioned at the doctor's office, and, I didn't have it before my sister came, but, as you said...I was on the pain meds. Maybe the meds do take the edge off. I have some vitamins and minerals..I saw them last night and said "you need to take those tomorrow". I do that a lot, but haven't had a lot of success remembering to take them! There are B vitamins in there though. I did take a fish oil last night. I'll really try to make a point of taking them, and writing them down with my food so I can remember when I took things and what I took. On the people from High school...there are too many full body shots and bathing suit shots..and group pics...LOL.
    Debby..thank you for thinking of me before your coffee! That means a lot, especially considering how COLD it is for you today! I know there are MANY Psychological issues that I need to deal with. I know I'm nuts. LOL I know that my problems are almost exclusively weight related, though many have told me that they have similar back issues and they're thin. I do think if my butt weren't so massive I'd be able to lay on my bed without throwing my spine out of line! On my heart racing thing, definitely could be panic related. I have been in almost full blown panic mode the past few days and can barely deal with the basics. You're awesome Debby, I love you dearly! You've been the source of much laughter for me this past year, you are an incredible person and if you ever do write a novel, it will be a best seller! Thanks to all of you!
    Ms. X

  5. Keep up with the walking and good luck on the pool search!