Not sure where the title came from. LOL. I hope everyone is well. As usual, my best time to blog is when I am driving, showering, or cooking, therefore, I haven't been doing it. Why is that?
I got back on diabetes meds like a good girl, yay me! I've been on them for about a week now. I'm even remembering to check my blood sugar levels. I was so excited when the doctor set me up on a home delivery program. Then realized I probably shouldn't be excited about the home delivery of medical supplies. Then, I realized that as long as I'm excited and happy about it, whatever. I need to remember to eat. Yes, what irony! I have been so busy with things and otherwise occupied, I often forget to eat. I have actually been downright angry before because I didn't want to eat and was mad that my sugar was low and I had to eat. When you are a super mega morbidly obese person and you don't want to eat, you shouldn't have to!!!! My close friend and boss has been on me to make sure I eat, but, she never eats either. Seriously though, I am trying. I am learning that activity changes my blood sugar levels quickly. I am keeping things around and am working on making sure I eat before my sugar drops. I have been pretty good about breakfast, though I don't get to it until late sometimes. I eat when I cook dinner for the family. Otherwise, I'm working on the other times.
Funny how I really feel like I woke up fat a few months ago. I saw that someone already used that title for their blog. What a bummer because it was so profound to me and I really thought that those words meant so much. I think I've blogged about that before though, how parts of me just woke up recently. I could tell anyone any detail they needed on how much I weighed, the issues I have, etc. I can logically see the many ways that being so obese affects me. Yet, in so many ways I didn't truly see that it was me. I don't know how to explain that at all. If I could figure it out, I would love to. I really feel like I woke up. me. The real me. The person I had hidden inside. Unfortunately, I did a darn good job of making my body a prison. Now it is so weird to me, I often ask myself "why?" I wonder about the different things that would have kept me from the downward spiral I was on for 18 or so years.
I have evaluated a lot of things. I still have my moments that scare me. I get so angry and hostile. I don't beat people or anything, but, I do see my dad's behavior in me. I so often wonder about him now. He is an alcoholic, and has been for most of my life. He would get angry and lash out, he was miserable and unhappy. (he's still alive but I haven't actually seen him in about ...17 years or so.) I have one time that sticks out in my head, he was always angry and would say mean things to me. One night I walked in the door to the garage and he was sitting drinking on the other side of the garage, where he drank every night. He immediately began going off on me. I don't know what got into me but I walked across the garage and went behind him and leaned over and hugged him. He held onto my arms SOO tightly, it was so desperate and I realized how much he hurts. I am glad that moment happened, I hope to never forget it. I have no idea what he was yelling at me about, it doesn't matter. I did everything I did to be perfect so I could make him happy. Which I've learned, nobody can do that for another person. Anyway, he looked scared as I walked towards him. I saw fear in my dad's eyes, he's physically strong, and I was always scared to death of him, but there was fear there, and pain. So, anyway, I get in those moods sometimes, while sober. I know food is my addiction, as alcohol is his.
I promise I won't write a book on this blog tonight. I do get wordy. I figure maybe one person might read it that can relate. Ideally, at some point I would love to help people. I want to use my experiences to reach out and stop other people from hurting. So many people in this world hurt, from so many things. I don't know if I wrote about it or not, but, my sister has so many wounds, I had no idea she was as fragile she is at almost 50. Her story is completely different from mine, but, we all have different experiences and different perceptions of the experiences we share. Everyone has a different way of thinking and a different way of looking at things. My siblings look at the bad, and interpreted everything that happened to them as children as bad. They still have a tendency to do that. I just try to step back and see things from different perspectives and find the good in people and situations.
There's a lot going on right now in my life, a few bad things, but overall I think many things are looking really good. There's much work to be done in all aspects and areas, I don't think it would be a good thing if there were no work to do at all. Though I can think of some things I would love to see done!!
I choose to make downtime for myself by reading before bed or playing some mindless game on the computer. Even when I have other stuff that can be done. Not to say that's all I do, not at all. But, I have learned that everyone needs some downtime. My children have a tendency to come into wherever I am, no matter what I am doing and hang out and talk to me. Mostly my girls. I end up staying up very late much of the time because I need the down time but don't want to deny them that time they want with me. I am glad my kids like to be with me, I'm glad they want to come into my room, or wherever I am, and talk to me. It's a good trade off.
That being said, I have to get up with my younger two in the morning, and then I have a lot of work that needs to be done from then on out. I'll try to make a point of blogging regularly, I'm working on it. Oh...the last time I weighed myself was about a week ago. I was bloated, crampy, and had already eaten, and I "only" weighed 470. I was thrilled! A very strange thing to say, but, considering I really DO weigh almost 500 lbs, and I really DID weigh more, I am glad. I haven't weighed myself since because I always gulp down tons of water and eat before I finally think about it, I usually think about it at the end of the day. I try to only weigh myself in the morning before I've had anything. I'll try to remember to weigh myself soon.
Thanks for reading!