Friday, October 7, 2011

Hi all..kermit the frog here...

Sorry...I lied. I'm not really kermit. I was just thinking about him though and could hear his little voice saying that phrase. Please don't go away! You know...actually...I think the Geico lizard is WAY sexier than Kermit. I wonder what Miss Piggy would think of him?? Maybe it's the accent? The way he moves his little head when he talks?? Oh. I digress.

Ok, so, I have a job again! I am a lead teacher for 2 year olds. Yay me! Is this a job I would REFUSE to take a few months ago? Yep. Have I been humbled to the point of being grateful for this job and busting my butt on this job? Absolutely!!

Finances still suck. But, I'm doing everything I can. I am still hoping a money fairy will show up, preferably dressed like "The Rock" in the "Tooth Fairy". Yum. Can you just imagine the Rock showing up in your house to give you money? OMG. I am drooling. I am drooling a lot. That man is an example of what God would do if he were into showing off...which he is not..but..if he DID show off? He'd be like "yeah, that's right, I made him and he is FINE!" I'm just sayin...I I refuse to watch him in wrestling because I'd lose all respect for him and may not find him to be as attractive as I do. What fun would that be?? He's a beautiful man and I'd like to keep thinking of him that way. Please don't ruin it for me. What was I saying? Um. Oh yeah! Finances SUCK. Now I can't stop thinking about the Rock. Yeah, Yeah, I know...Duane Johnson. I know his actual name. But, he just has me call him D or big daddy anyway. Oops...sorry...back to reality...

I need to devote A LOT of time to math and childcare related courses this weekend. Sadly, since I started there that has been the case. I could rant and vent and go on about a bunch of things, but, eh. nah.

I need to give myself my shot. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes I barely feel it. I have a sick fascination with it but have been sticking to my prescribed shots and haven't become a heroine addict. yet.

I have a BUSY weekend ahead of me. I'm sitting here with my butt muscles throbbing as if I worked out with my former (PSYCHOTIC) ex trainer...I KNOW I haven't but my muscles...all of them..feel differently about the matter. Oh..did I mention my period is like 2 months late now? That's not even funny. I hate having it, but, hope it's not MIA due to me having a litter or something.

On that note...Oh..did I even mention I've lost 4 lbs in the past 4 days...I lost a pound when I weighed myself before that..and I forget what else. well then.

I'll try to blog more. Even if it's for my own amusement. But..I know a few of you are out there reading. Right? You're out there, right??

K...gonna give myself a shot now...Yippee!!! I'm excited! Not as excited as I would be if the Rock popped in to give me money...OMG OMG OMG. Maybe I'll have DREAMS about it! THEN..THEN..God will give me the winning lottery numbers...I'll REMEMBER THem...then I'll BUY the tickets and WIN!!!!!! YES YES YES! I will remember all of my faithful "followers". Did that sound cultish?? I won't make you drink koolaid or anything. Unless you want some...they have a mango flavor..and a pineapple one...I like koolaid. But...I won't MAKE you.

Until next time...Peace out! (I visualized myself dressed like a hippy holding up the peace sign...just sayin...) OMG....Maybe an uber talented reader can DRAW me doing that (fat and all) for my site!!!! I even have one in mind!!! :) It can be my picture of me!!!!!

I really am going to post this now and quit rambling and go to bed so I can get up and do lots of stuff I gotta do tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Amazing weather, snoring dogs, and black parades

Hello all! How have you been?? I am here! I haven't been getting alone time in my room lately because hubby's schedule changed and I've been really busy most of the time, so, I hang out doing homework and stuff in the office with him and the kids. I am re-taking that math class and this time I am attacking the class head on. I am in the beginning of week 2 and I've done far better than last time. I'm busting my butt like I should have the last time. I had A LOT going on but I sure am regretting not forcing myself to bust my butt last time. What a waste of money this is! Add that to the list of many stupid things I've done.

For a while I was wondering about my sanity, my intelligence, and many other things about myself. I am still coming out of it all. Hubby said earlier that he never realized that I rarely smiled until he's seen me smile a lot more often recently. I've been making a point of being goofy, happy, etc to bring myself under the dark depression I've been in.

I got a job I start Friday, the paid training starts Thursday. I am very nervous. I am praying, a lot. My physical limitations cannot be limitations anymore. I'm perfectly competent in every way, except the damage I've done to my body.

Oh, I went on insulin too. It's going ok. I have a nurse from my insurance company, a nurse from the pharmacy and my own doctor who all call me about my diabetes management. I had all of them telling me different things in the same day the other day. Ugh. The insulin smells SO mediciney. I keep getting bruises from the shots too. Earlier I even bled after I gave it to myself. I gave myself shots all the time using the exact same type of needles and I didn't bruise and bleed. I don't know what this is all about. I'm feeling pretty decent though I'm pretty exhausted every day now. At least I'm not up all hours of the night anymore. Which is another reason I've not blogged much lately.

Things have been very bad in a lot of ways lately, but I'm trying to do everything within my own power to make them better. I'm also trying to remember to listen to music more, as odd as that sounds, it always lifts my spirits. I'm currently listening to Black Parade, love that song! I have a very wide expansion of musical interests. (I have no idea if I'm even making sense right now). I just listened to a bunch of Brad Paisley, listened to Queen, songs from Les Miserables, Bon Jovi. That's only a small example of my musical interests, lol. Now "Lay Your Hands on Me" is playing and every time I hear it I remember the excitement of the concert back in 1989. The concert began with that song and it was SO exciting for me! Yep. Music makes me feel good. Apparently my younger two children need to be schooled on 80s hair bands and classic rock.

I'm rambling, what else is new? Oh, my dog snores. A lot. He is also so excited about the "Don't ask Don't tell" being dropped that he won't leave my other male dog alone. Even my animals have issues. Lots of them!

Have a great day everyone!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Channeling my inner hillbilly

Hi yall! As I write this I am highly considering just crawling back into bed, maybe I will dream the winning lottery numbers and they will be seared into my memory long enough to buy a ticket. That being said...

I had a GREAT time last night! I channeled my inner hillbilly big time. I went to a free country music concert and it was amazing! It was outdoors on a military base and the weather was PERFECT. It was cool and breezy and..perfect. Normally we have mosquitos that resemble terradactyls and they move in groups of 10,000; but not a single mosquito attended! Due to the hillbilly nature of the concert, there was lots of beer. But, most of my experiences were very positive. The people in front of us were very sweet and offered to buy me drinks, etc. There were some jerks there that I saw early on, but, they were young Navy guys, and, they weren't directing their jerkness at us.

I brought my two daughters and they each brought a friend. I actually ended up with extra tickets in the end. I even had room for 3 more humans in my truck. I was told I needed to get handicapped parking back for this event if nothing else. We literally parked up on the pier in VIP/handicapped, lol. I walked a lot, stood a lot, and moved to the music a lot, though I wouldn't call it dancing. I am sore today but I'm ok with that. I'm also hoarse from all of the hillbilly channeling. I'd do it all again tonight if I could!!!

We all needed that concert, thank God for free concerts. It's nice to see military appreciation like that. I haven't been having a good time at all lately.

I'd like to take a moment to whine, vent, and rant...

Washer still not fixed, been over a month. It's been a HUGE battle with the home warranty company and with the contractors. We pay for a home warranty so these things don't happen!!To add to our list of broken stuff, add the microwave. It just.stopped.working. No warning. I don't know if I've previously ranted about the many things that have broken and stuff, but it's been insane!

I've been trying to get online work from home jobs but they all require a credit check, thanks to our lack of having the same amount of income that we used to have, and prior stupidity at creating debt, my credit is trashed. I highly doubt they'll want me once they see it, and I have to pay for the screening. Then, I have job offers from places that definitely want me to be thin. Pleaces with sales jobs like car dealerships. Ever seen a 450 lb female car salesperson? Not that I would want to do that, but, I could and would at this point. I have been really stressed about it all because I am GOOD at stuff but it doesn't matter! My current physical state and my credit are now in the way, if I can't get a job, those things will just get worse.

On that, I went to the doctor yesterday and he and his nurse are both thrilled with my weight right now. I'd be more thrilled if I were losing as rapidly as I was when I could afford to juice. But, with my stress levels and basic psychoticness, I couldn't handle doing only juicing all the time anyway. I am thrilled with this weather though, going to drag people out for walks all weekend!!!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Still here

Hi all! I feel like ranting so here I go. Oh, btw, I do have a few people who read this blog, I have another blog I've started where I am not anonymous. I'd love to share it with you. Just let me know. There are even pictures. ;)

My life has sucked. a lot. lately. I've tried to have the attitude that I know it can be worse, and I know it can be. But, I am really about to just lose it completely. People do not have any clue how bad things are and most people wouldn't get it anyway.

We have been VERY broke. Hubby works his butt off and I used to. I would again if I had a JOB. I regret shutting down the daycare in MANY ways. Yet again, had I not shut down my home daycare, I would not have developed relationships with some of the people I've gotten close to at the center.

I guess I didn't mention that the center got shut down. They were evicted. It was a unique experience filled with many emotions for me. It was the beginning and the end of a lot of things for me. The place was. I was so excited to be starting that journey and it was such a part of my life as we were getting it set up. As soon as other people were brought into it and we were about to open, my friend of 20+ years began treating me like total crap. I think I've ranted about all of that before.

I went through a lot in the year+ that it was in operation. I had already been taken off the schedule completely at the beginning of the summer. Hubby was still being paid for IT work but I wasn't being paid. Our finances were hurting bad but I figured I'd suck it up and when the kids headed back to school I would just ask to take some job in a classroom at minimum wage and just deal with it. Yes, it would have been a humiliating thing for me, but, the minimum wage people are the ones with hours. But, she let everyone know at the very last minute that they were being evicted.

I went over there and brought my daughters and my oldest daughter's girlfriend with me. We worked til 3 am getting stuff out of there. (apparently that is not something you're supposed to do...oops!) I went the next day and got a few more things. I was sad for the employees and for the children who would be uprooted and placed elsewhere. I felt bad for the parents who'd been deceived. Everyone had been. If you're being evicted, it's not a surprise to you when it happens. There were several elderly women, 2 pregnant women, 2 newly married women, and several single moms working there. A lot of people got screwed over. I was used to her screwing me over. I don't understand how someone can go from so amazing someone who is an out of control liar.

Anyway. We are now down even more money every month and I can't find a job. To say I'm stressed is an understatement. I have to be creative when it comes to feeding everyone. I went to a food pantry place a friend uses and got less than a shopping cart of food for 5 people. The same friend got 2 over flowing carts later in the day for 4. The people said it's all a matter of when you go and my friend went after they got a bunch of food in. No, I couldn't go back for more. i also sought help for my electric bill. (no, none of these things are things I imagined I would have to do) I did everything I was told to do to get the electric bill paid. I left there with the man telling me they'd pay it that day. Today my electricity was shut off. I went to this place a week ago. The whole experience today spanned hours and included a lot of further humiliation. The agency that was assisting me admitted they had made a mistake and the electricity was restored. How embarrassing.

I am desperately trying to keep things from hitting the 30 day mark, if they are in his name and hit the 30 day mark, he loses his job because of his security clearance. My mother in law tries to say helpful things like telling me how she's "been there". Um. no. big difference. She sat on her butt not trying to do anything about it. My husband doesn't deserve this. He is retired military, works a full time job, a part time job (til the center closed), and goes to school full time. She doesn't understand our situation at all. She had her other son, who is a complete deadbeat, also sitting on HIS butt living with her that whole time.

There are MANY things I would do differently if I could do them over. MANY. I can't change the past now. I just pray things start going well VERY soon so I can change the way I do things in the future. My oldest daughter is also having a very hard time, but, she moved to 25 minutes away and no longer has a vehicle thanks to her girlfriend crashing her car. So, I can't just run out there to her all the time. Gas is too expensive for that.

But, yeah. Lots of fighting here whether it's the children, the mother in law and my hubby..or me. Hubby and me. The cats and dogs. I'm worn out and tired of it all. I'm ready for things to get better. Oh! My washer has now been out for a month. We've been through the ringer (no pun intended) with the home warranty place. Thankfully a friend let me do 2 loads of my hubby and children's stuff there yesterday. The laundry mat has been EXPENSIVE.

I have an eye out on the stove too now. But, the others least 2 of them do. There has been a long list of broken items around here, but, I'm too tired to try to remember what they all are.

Thanks if you stuck around to hear my rant. Know of any online jobs that are legitimate? I have put lots of apps in, etc. I'm looking for jobs not online too. UGH. But, there is a job that may be available soon that I REALLY want a lot. But, more on that later. I'm praying though!
Ms X

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A day in the life

I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday. I had a whole "blog worth" of stuff to blog about. Well, now today there is a whole other "thing" to blog about.

Yesterday morning my mother in law came over to talk to us. She was a mess. She was bawling and extremely upset. She was desperate. She was very sorry for the way she has been. She moved back in last night. I made the decision. Hubby basically told her no (that she couldn't come back), then went to bed (which he did need to do, he works 3rd shift). So, that meant it was left up to me. I'm not an evil cold hearted person. I let her come back. No, I didn't want to. But, I just could not do that.

Yesterday, maybe the day before, my sister..the one who had "cut me off" a few years ago for things I didn't even do, cut me off again. I was/am very hurt by the things she is now accusing me off, and the whole thing is really stupid. Basically she thought I was ignoring her when she tried to talk to me online, and it escalated into me discriminating against her because I "said I wouldn't want to be on tv next to her because she is so skinny and pretty and I'm not". Yes, I'm serious. What was the actual conversation we had in June? She said that the two of us ought to do a cooking show, I said "maybe so but right now you'd have to be the one on tv, they wouldn't want me". I could go on and on, but, eh. Then, I sent a very nice apologetic email to her explaining things and she sent an email back saying she didn't read it. Again, I am leaving a lot out. Too much to tell.

Tonight we got a call from the daycare. I've mentioned the place many times. They are being evicted tomorrow. The place has a lot of children, and a lot of employees. There is so much going on with all of that. The whole situation is so sad. There are a lot of employees that will have a serious hardship over this. My own family is barely hanging on as it is. This is going to hit us hard too. But, some of these people that work there, it is their whole livelihood. We have several wonderful women who are in their 70s and 60s. We have newly married people, 2 pregnant employees. It's insane. Not to mention, my former best friend and former boss, the one who has caused me so much grief. She and her family may literally be losing everything. She is like another dysfunctional sister to me. They are like our family. So, anyway, after the call I called my daughter, who is also having a very hard time right now. I brought my two daughters and my oldest daughter's girlfriend with me to the daycare and we helped move things out until 3 am. The director was there at one point and she said that if she were me she wouldn't have even come out there. That surprised me coming from her. What she meant was that after the way I've been treated, she wouldn't have done it if she were me. Why do I do it? I don't know. I want to be there for people. I treat others like I would want to be treated.

We've been VERY tight on money. It's been bad. My husband has a check from her that may very likely bounce. I spent all day waiting on a phone call so I can go get help on my electric bill. I hope they'll call me tomorrow. I've never done this before, you have to call the one place at 8 am. If you can get a referral to the other place, they have 2 days to call you back to come in. If you miss the call, you can't ask for help for 6 more months. I am praying they can help, and that I don't miss the call. We've not had milk and barely any groceries. This really sucks. I just said earlier today that I am well aware things could be a lot worse. Then this happens with the daycare. But, it could still be MUCH worse, I would really prefer it get BETTER at this point. I wanted to play the lottery tonight, but couldn't even scrape up enough change. lol The people I would help if I won!

Anyway, I had wanted to rant about the mother in law, didn't have time. I don't have any time to rant at all. I may be having someone come over to try to rescue me from my math. I just need to pass this class. Really. I do. I HATE having to take this class more than I can even begin to say. It will be another huge bump in the road and financial hit if I fail it. Hubby is also in a class right now...I hope he's doing ok.

I'm done now. hopefully I can wind down and go to sleep soon.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

kicking and screaming

Perhaps a more appropriate title for my post would be..tired of kicking and screaming. i am still hanging in there, but it is really hard. I did decide to start eating some foods sometimes for the sake of not murdering and eating my loved ones. Ok, so, maybe I wouldn't eat them, but I was a raging psychopath. Even more so than usual.

Mother in law is, in fact, moving back in. Tomorrow. It's a long stressful story. It ultimately ended up being my decision to let her come back. She was as much of a mess as she was when she first came to stay. She was distraught and crying, bawling really. She said she had no place to go. She'd realized that she couldn't afford to get her own place and that this really wasn't such a bad place after all. I was ready for her to be out. I also knew that if she moved out, she would end up right back where she was before. Nothing in me wanted her to be back. But, I couldn't do it. I couldn't have her sitting there raw and open just bawling her eyes out and desperate. So, I guess her coming back right before school starts is better than after we'd gotten acclimated to our new schedules. I am not looking forward to this at all, but, it is what it is.

I've been missing my mom so much, yet I've been trying hard not to think about it. Yesterday was the 14 month mark. I have wanted and needed her SOOOO much lately. Every time I turn a corner, something reminds me of her. I'd been looking forward to talking to my sister about stuff, the one that "cut me off" a few years ago for things I didn't do. Well, I've done something again. I was playing games with her and ignoring her online. (no, actually, I didn't do ANY of this..this is what I was accused of) In fact, I'd been anxious to talk to her and was keeping my chats and stuff up in case she came on. I missed her and that just turned into a whole big fiasco. I tried to write back and tell her that I wasn't really there. Why do I do this to myself?? One of my sisters isn't really too high maintenance, though the other two feel that she is the root of all evil and the root of all their problems. The other two though, wow. They are REALLY high maintenance. If you say or do one thing wrong they will "cut you off". My God my family is screwed up. Then there is my brother. I was so glad that he happened to be living with my mom during her last few months. He was a good son and she adored him (during those last few months). In previous years he would avoid her for months or years at a time, even though they lived in the same town. He often sucked as a son through the years. Mom died knowing that the two of us loved and adored her. He was such a good brother to me during that time. There was one time where he was drunk and freaked out on me, but, he was crying and apologetic when I called back. Even after mom died he and I got along great. We really got each other. We were always on the same page. Then when I let him know that mom's boyfriend died, I didn't get any contact from him for months. He died in April I think, it is now August and the only contact I've had from my brother was on the anniversary of mom's death. I texted him and he actually responded. So, yeah. I could go on for days, the point is. We are all messed up. A lot. My brother and I have a different mom than our sisters, but, we are all screwed up. I'm guessing my dad carried the "extremely screwed up" gene. Who knows, mom was far from perfect.

I kind of got carried away, eh? Anyone still with me? My biggest overwhelming issue right now is money. I don't have any. Yet I do have a TON of bills. I am working on some online work that is supposed to be legitimate, I am trying to get the work that is. I can write or talk til the cows come home. Considering I've NEVER had a cow near my property, that's a REALLY long time. Does anyone know of online work? I need money. Bad. I've thought of desperate things like this weird thing I heard of where guys like fat chicks to sit on them..fully clothed and non sexual. I joked about it anyway. Um. euww. I can't imagine! But..I AM desperate! I saw a brinks truck was placed there to taunt me. Now, considering my children fight like cats and dogs, my cats and dogs fight like cats and dogs. My oldest daughter and her girlfriend are also struggling to make ends meet. My mother in law has all her drama and is moving back in. I'm in my final week of a math class I may not pass. I starved myself for almost 2 weeks and MUST continue on a weight loss path but become psycho when starved. School is starting and my kids don't have the things they need/want for school to start. I need to keep bills paid so I can have electricity, water, etc. and pay things so hubby keeps his job. (must not let anything go over 30 days). My dogs need hair cuts. My animals need to see the vet. Many things have broken around here lately. My family is nuts. hubby's family is nuts. I am nuts. Considering all of those things, it was tempting to just leap onto the brinks truck and fight my way to the money. Yes, I would not have been able to leap. Yes, they had openly displayed weaponry. So, the thought was only a passing one.

So, I am just ranting. Carrying on. I am going to get healthier. I've been working on getting organized, etc every day. I just have a lot of things going on. Oh God help me. My youngest child just asked me a very traumatizing question. I need therapy. My last therapist jumped out the window. She muttered something about needing fresh air.

K...well...thanks for reading!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Day #9

Hi! I am on day number 9 of my juice fast. This has been quite the ride! I swear, the past week has been worse than usual in multiple ways. Not just because I am irritable, etc. It really just has. On Tuesday it was day 8. I weighed in at the doctor's office (as well as my home scale) and it was official. I had been there exactly one week prior and weighed in at the doctor's office. I made the nurse, the same nurse I always have, look at the scale this week. She gasped. I was down 27 pounds. In. one. week. I don't even know what to think of that. I am thrilled and can feel all kinds of changes. I can see them too. After the doctor's visit I went into "work" (it's a joke to even call it that now) and everyone there was surprised also. A few people I am closer to said they can definitely see a difference. I was dressed completely different than I normally do and had my hair down and makeup on, so, that alone threw them off. My normal clothes are already swallowing me.

Today was ROUGH. Very rough. OMG was it rough. Our washer broke, only one of many things to have broken recently. So, today I made the trek to my neighborhood laundry mat with my 14 year old along to help. We had TONS of laundry. I must admit, since I was going there and they have the big front loaders, I brought along comforters I probably wouldn't have washed just yet otherwise. It took 4 hours. Much of that was spent standing. But, we came home with 12 loads of laundry clean! lol. The laundry had been piling up because the washer was not working properly and it was a pain. It would take half the day for one load. Then it was just done. It broke for good. I had a wet load to prove it. So, the guy came out to fix it (home warranty plans are the best thing ever!) and now we are waiting on a bunch of parts. So, last night I had the kids gather up their laundry, I gathered up mine. We put it all together and I divided it by loads so I wouldn't have to do it today. So, I was smart enough to drink juice before we left today. But, while we were there I was miserable because it was hot and I kept thinking about the gyro place two doors down from the laundry mat. So, I got home and long story short, it wasn't a good day once I got home either. I finally was able to get a nap, a long one. I only got up because I hadn't seen my son since I brought him to his "camp' at the school this morning. I've been running around getting things on my to do list done all night. I am doing better tonight. I am hungry right now, but, I'm also pretty much out of things to juice. I am going to the store tomorrow. I was seriously thinking about making a healthy all fruit smoothie before I head out tomorrow. Of course, since I've had only juice I prepare myself, I am not sure if it will make me sick or not. I do not know yet how many days I'll do the reboot. (That's what this juice fast is). I would really like to do it for the full 60 days, yet there's the part of me that wants the smoothie and wants brussel sprouts. Yes, that is what I am craving. Not to say I don't salivate like all of Pavlov's dogs at a pig roast every time I have to prepare the family food. I do. Things I don't usually care for smell good to me now. Hubby was eating a hamburger the other day and I could smell every single thing that was on the burger. This is for my health. I am feeling a lot better in SO many ways. When I go to sleep and wake up in the morning it will be day 10. The 10th day of not consuming any foods. Wow! A good friend started doing this before me and is on day 22 tomorrow. She's feeling wonderful. In fact, she is making some juices for me to sample at her house tomorrow. I am looking forward to it! She and I had a date to walk last night but she fell an hour before we were supposed to go. Thank God she didn't hurt herself. Just some bruising, nothing broken and her bad back is ok. I am hoping that tomorrow will be a good day. One can hope! I desperately need a miracle with finances. I keep praying and hoping for one. That's a huge stressor for me. My mother-in-law, that's a whole other story. I don't remember what I last blogged about regarding her. There are just too many icky things going on. But, I am getting healthier. Trying to get better blood sugar readings. I've had several good readings the past week, I'm thrilled with those! But, I am frustrated that my morning readings are around 155. I do not get that at all. But, I am working on it. Sometimes it's one second at a time, not even one minute at a time.
Just wanted to post. I've had major ups and major downs all week. I'm on a roller coaster for sure! But, I am (hopefully) headed in the right direction!
Oh! Check out or fat, sick, and nearly dead for more information about what I'm doing. I saw the movie on netflix instant watch.
Ms X

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Still juicing!

Hi! I'll be glad when today is over. I have had a rough week, unrelated to the juicing. Not to say that the juicing is easy, it is not. In fact, it downright sucks at times! But, I am ok. I am feeling pretty decent. I have noticed many changes. I was down 19 pounds this morning. Today is day 6. I canNOT complain about that!! I wore jeans yesterday, I noticed my ring that was VERY tight spinning around today. The changes I've already noticed are beyond amazing! I'm pretty ticked off that my left knee is still hurting a lot. I don't even know where that came from! But, the back is better. Today has sucked, a lot. But, tomorrow is a new day, and a new week. I am looking forward to going to sleep, that is for sure! I got my broken cpap machine replaced today, I love my cpap guy! My washer is broken. Laptop is still resurrection yet. Lawn mower..still broken. carpet shampooer..broken. Sadly, I am forgetting some things. lol. It's ok, life goes on either way. Did I already mention that my MIL ran away? I think I did. So, if I did, I also mentioned that she's coming back. That makes me sad. The past couple of days of not having her here have been nice. Ok, well, I am feeling really hungry so I'd better just go to bed and try to forget about it. lol. I am juicing in the morning and it will NOT include red pepper...GAG. I forced myself to drink ALL of the juice with red pepper in it. I am so glad THAT is gone!!!
Ms X

Friday, August 5, 2011


Hi! I know, lame title, right? Well, about 24 hours ago I was up in the middle of the night, just as I am now. I was writing my butt off on here. I was talking about profound thoughts I had, things I'd learned, what's been going on, etc. I even had a few parts that were actually humorous! Then I hit publish. That is when it all went away. It made me sad. Ok. So...on to now.

I am not planning on going into a lot of detail this time. Just reporting. With doctor's consent and lots of blood work, Tuesday I started a juice fast. I was fascinated with "fat,sick, and nearly dead" when I saw it on instant watch on netflix a few weeks ago. In it, the men do a 60 day juice fast. They were both in bad health and were desperate for a change. They had a lot of success. So, a few days after I watched the movie, a friend started her fast. She's on day 18 and feels great. The only thing I can say is that I'm drinking the minimum juice and need to kick it up some, I don't need to be stupid and starve myself. I've learned and noticed TONS of things but now isn't the time to write them here. When I weighed myself this time last night I was down either 12 or 15 lbs, depending on whether the doctors scale matches ours or not. Either way, I am finishing day 4 now. So, for day 3, those numbers aren't bad! My back is feeling LOTS better already. My leg, still hurting. But, enough of that for now! There will be plenty more to report. I am going to the farmer's market tomorrow. I'll round up the remains of my spinach, apples, etc in the morning so I can juice before I go.

Mother in law ran away today. She and hubby got into a fight, she was completely in the wrong and was totally acting like a child. She even threatened to smack him in his face. Really? Basically, she lied, I witnessed it, and when he said "mom, you just lied" she freaked out. It was ugly and my blood pressure went sky high. So, she yelled "I hate living here" (oh, the irony in that statement) and he said "then leave". She slammed her door (I HATE old is she?) then, an hour later her son came to get her (the other son) and she packed a bunch of stuff, including a bunch of stuff from the kitchen, and her dog and left. Hubby told her that he could have helped her, he wasn't mad at her, etc. She wouldn't speak to him. 45 minutes later she asked if she could come back. Man..for 45 minutes I was SO excited. But, she told him she'd be back in a few days.

My beloved laptop just up and died the other day. No reason, no warning. My c-pap machine died tonight. Well, it's not "dead" yet, but it is possessed. My son had knocked it over earlier and the water from the humidifier must have gotten into the machine. Thank God I have a backup cpap, it doesn't work right but it will hopefully do for now. I've already emailed my wonderful cpap man. My laptop, I'm hoping it makes a miraculous healing like my old one. I am on the old one now. The poor little thing looks so sad and lonely. I want them BOTH to work!

Finances suck since I'm basically unemployed right now, and unemployable. I told hubby I would just go get a job anywhere and he pointed out that I am having trouble just walking around. Good point. Plus they don't want someone who looks as I do. So, yeah, we need a miracle with finances. We've had a miracle every month, so, God can do all things!

In spite of the reports of this week, I am doing ok. I am trying to focus on bettering my health regardless of the circumstances. I am learning a lot. I would love to be able to do the fast for the 60 days, then the proper transition, then my own smart eating after that. I have to do this. I am feeling good though. I now understand that it will pass. My cravings, my feelings, etc. When I am cooking for the family and want so badly to eat their food, it passes. It's not worth it to ruin my fast. But, it's 3 am and I have a farmers market to go to in a few hours.

Oh! one more thing! My weight is down and my sugar has been down below 125 3 times this week! Amazing! Miracle! Woot Woot! lol

Ms X

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Mother in law is driving me mad

You know, I know a lot of people complain about their mother-in-law, I get that. However, I really do think my situation is unique. I swear it is! Let me give some examples.

A little while ago she was doing the loud obnoxious throat clearing hocker spitting thing into my kitchen trash. My. Kitchen. trash. Ok? For the record, the woman does that fairly often in various locations where she can spit. Oh. MY. GOD. Sorry to be gross. So, shortly after that I was coughing really hard. Because I had said "ooh gross" to her display of nastiness, she decided to say "ooh gross" to me. Really? Is it even the same thing??? No. No it is not.

Example number 2. Speaking of nasty. I have had to tell her on mutliple occasions to bathe. Yes, bathe. The thing normal people do at least once a day? She goes for weeks. Weeks. One day I finally broke down and told her she needed to bathe. She didn't. The next day she spent all day tearing her room apart (yes, she lives with us) only to find that the smell she was trying to find in her room was her. Disgusting. Sadly, I have had to tell her since then to bathe too. She has also had robes she wears over and over and hangs on the bathroom door that made me gag. I'm sorry, there is just no exuse at all for nastiness.

Example number 3. She's trying to go to school. She is not even a little bit bright. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm not, but the woman is very ...not smart. So, she is all about going to school. She tries to do EVERYTHING my husband, her son, does. He and I have been going to school for quite some time. Naturally, she has to go too. So, she tried to go online and within a few days she quit and was starting over this month. Within two days she couldn't do it online so she had to go to campus to do it. So, yesterday she was gone all day and night going to school on campus. She has to go back tomorrow and will be taking a placement test. The whole thing is such. a. joke.

Example number 4. One day she said that God was going to buy her the house next door. This is only an example of the things she says all the time. She picks and chooses scriptures and other things out of the Bible and makes them what she wants them to be. Let's just ignore scriptures that say "a lazy man will not eat" and go on to the ones that say "God will provide all your needs". All righty then. This was actually a long drawn out thing on the day she said God would buy her the house. It is way more in depth than I'm saying, but was extremely ridiculous.

Example number 5. Food. Since the food issue is such a long in depth one with her, I will only give 5 examples. She has always lied about food, though she "doesn't lie". She will sneak food, hoard food, you name it. She will eat something, then go "oh, you bought (name item here) can I have some?" Even though she already helped herself to some before asking, and now wants more. If someone makes something sweet she gets all excited, reacts like a child, and goes "num num num" and all kins of other noises. She has HUGE portions of EVERYTHING. She also adds to EVERYTHING no matter what it is and whether or not she's even had a taste of it. I have even told her that it's insulting to the cook (me). She herself cannot cook or bake. There are very few things she's made through the years that anyone has liked. She has rarely cooked since she's been here, and I'm ok with that. She recently went on a special "fast" and could only eat certain foods. I tried to tell her that she was nuking it and according to her fast just needed to eat fruits and vegetables and didn't need to go out and buy tons of special stuff. So, after talking to her and she was all gung ho over it, (which never lasts) I went and got a bunch of fresh fruits and veggies she'd mentioned. I got all the groceries with several things she'd asked for. I come home, cook dinner and she makes herself a salad. I find out later that she ate dinner too that night. The next day she ate what I cooked again (when I was out of the room). So, the next day I asked why she wasn't doing her fast and she made some excuse about it. So, then she was doing her fast for about a week. If she was sneaking anything, nobody saw her do it. Then she came home with chips and ramen noodles and said that God told her she can have those on her fast. um. ok. Long story short, she went off the fast officially because God told her to. So, I got chinese food for my husband and son and got her some too. As usual she didn't thank me, God forbid. As usual she complained. She said that she only eats fried rice because it's healthier than white rice. Um. what? I said "the yellow rice is white rice with a bunch of crap thrown in and then it's FRIED" She said, no, it's corn. (??) So, I looked up a bunch of white rice recipes that night and told her my findings. She said "I always thought it was healthier and was something else because it's yellow". I said "Why do you state so many things as fact when you've never done any research on them?" But, it's pointless. She forgets everything from one minute to the next. The sad thing is...I could go on with different things she does for HOURS. I am going insane.
Thanks for letting me vent a little
Ms X

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

What is that??

Hello! I was sitting here minding my own business on the computer and kept feeling a hair moving around on my face. There were a few other times today I had felt it. I kept trying to move the hair and finally determined that the hair was growing OUT of my face. I immediately became determined to get the hair out of my face as quickly as possible. Of course, when there is a facial hair emergency...the tweezers run and hide. Once I had the tweezers I pulled out the 1/2" long hair and was even more disturbed to see that half of it was white. So, not only did I somehow manage to have a long hair growing out of my face that blew in the wind...I'm so old that it was part white! Now, my question is this, HOW did I miss the hair before? How is it that I get waxed, I pluck, I stare at my face...yet I will suddenly notice a long hair blowing in the wind? I had another spot on my face that every once in a while I'd have a flowing long hair coming out of it. Somehow, that hair would be even longer. I am so disturbed right now. How does this happen?? I had the same face yesterday..and the day before...I look at it, I wash it. It really is a mystery. On that note...I always had very thick hair on my head that grew like a weed. Ok....fine...I had/have hair in other places that grows a lot too. Like my face. Anyway...I pull out hair in clumps...daily. I am really beginning to freak out over this. My hair is no longer thick like it used to be. I have a lot of hair, and it's long. (though I would prefer to have a "butch" haircut) but it is much thinner than it used to be, much. It's kinda freaking me out...I thought about getting that shampoo that makes your hair grow in thicker but when I wash my hair it would just go down my back and make me have flowing thick back and butt hair. sigh.
I just wanted to share. :)
Ms X

Friday, July 15, 2011

It's been a while!

It's been a while! I've been contemplating getting rid of this blog completely. Then, I've also considered re-vamping it. My posts have been very gloomy and doomy and I'm not a gloomy doomy person. So. I'm still not sure what I'm doing! As for weight loss and health issues, those will be topics of interest to me for a VERY long time. They'll always be a topic, health is important. Even when I am eventually being hailed as a goddess on a tropical island, I will still be concerned about health. However, there is a lot more that I think about than that. I love my family, they are actually first in my life. I have a lot of people that are very important to me. I know that GOD should be first, and hasn't been. That's a whole other subject. I still love books. I graduate in December (if all goes well!) with my bachelor's in Psychology. I will be spending the next few months doing lots of math, statistics, etc. I have an interest in a lot of things such as gardening, crafts, etc. Not that I am currently doing any of those things. I LOVE cooking and baking. That includes healthy cooking and baking. I am interested in Raw stuff. I am interested in juicing. I am very well rounded in my cooking/baking interests. I follow a lot of blogs and have made many successful recipes from several of the blogs I follow.

What's been going on? I've been sick off and on. Hubby has been sick off and on and had a minor surgery. My oldest daughter's friend wrecked her car, so, she is without one again. Now my daughter doesn't live very close to us and doesn't have a car either. My younger two have become house hermits during the summer. They run screaming from sunlight. Ok, they're not that bad. At least the girl child isn't. My mother-in-law. How often have I mentioned her? She lives here. I could write a book about it. There just aren't enough words to describe the experience that is my mother-in-law. Work? Haven't done much of that this summer. I wanted the summer off to enjoy summer and enjoy my children. Also to get projects done. Wow..running out of time on all of that, aren't I? My weight has gone up and down 20 pounds for a while now. It's at the lower end but I am ready to go below that! I haven't been lower than where I am now in a LONG time.

Anyway!! Blah blah blah, right? I love all the witty funny blogs with lots of pictures and funny stories. I'm "anonymous" and a few people I know have access, nobody else that knows me does. So, I managed to make things complicated for my blog, huh? I initially was going to write what I was thinking and feeling but that isn't always the case anyway. It's not completely anonymous. I've been thinking of doing a different blog, one that I can let anyone see. But, what are the odds of THIS..two of my sisters have separately asked my opinion on what THEY should do for a blog this week. But of course! So, if I do do a blog that I share with people I know...the timing really sucks for that too. So, I could re-vamp this one and make it more fun, etc. I could check in every now and then and update, or, I could make another one completely. I know I have a few faithful followers, and I thank those of you who are, it means a lot to me! I'd love to know what everyone thinks. So, what does everyone think?
Ms X

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

It's true...being fat will eventually kill you!!!!

How's the for an attention grabber? You know what, I don't want to die. I should have realized this a long time ago. I am up most nights in a lot of pain. I have diabetic neuropathy in my feet, it is now in my lower legs too. For anyone who has not experienced this sensation, be glad! My feet are constantly sensitive, almost constantly in a lot of pain, they tingle, they burn, they have sharp jolts of pain going through them, all at the same time! The jolts of pain, fortunately, are more at night. I take a ton of meds for various things in the evening and just wait for them to kick in so the pain is dulled and I can sleep. Last night I resorted to going barefoot and changing the blanket on my stool that I sleep with my feet on. What the heck does it take for me to wake up and DO what I need to DO? I was (long distance) with a friend who is like a sister to me all through her ordeal before her husband succumbed to diabetes complications and passed away at 39. This was about 4 years ago. What is WRONG with me? It was hell when my mom died in June. I suffer EVERY day with a lot of pain. I have severe neuropain, back pain, (I can only sleep in a recliner, every once in a while I'll sleep a few hours in my bed because my other pain is so much, but I pay later!), I sleep with a cpap machine. I have been carrying around 300 extra pounds for several years now. When I walk things pop and crackle. My knees are bad, though they aren't flaring every day. My hip has issues. I have a lot of sciatic pain from my back problems in my thighs and, oddly enough, my butt cheeks. Or is it odd? Maybe that's "normal". I'm pretty sure that a normal person couldn't carry 300 lbs on their back at all, let alone ALWAYS. Now, add that to all of my aches and pains. Oh, I now have tendonitis in my right arm, it's been flaring for about a month. I go through times where my wrists hurt, especially my left one. I have dark patches of skin on my neck that are very visible. I have a lot of nasty skin tags. My skin is a mess, it's just unhealthy. I have really heavy painful periods. Sadly, I think I'm leaving things out here too.

I could go on for hours about the many things that got me here. What it boils down to is that I got myself here and I have to get myself out. I read an article earlier about someone who was stuck to a chair, not my first time reading of such a thing. The families of these people keep feeding them, even though they can't/don't even get up to use the bathroom or clean themselves. These people have their skin melded to the chair/toilet or whatever they're stuck to. I saw an episode of something on tv once where a man was put in a hospital and lost a bunch of weight. At home with his wife he was really moody and nasty and miserable and wanted his food again. The list goes on and on. I think of last year when I spent months barely able to move. Pure stubbornness over not wanting to go to the bathroom on myself was often my only motivation because my back was screaming in pain. There was another weekend a few months ago where I was down hard. One time my husband tried to help me up and I started screaming and shrieking because my back seized up. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? How can I go through all of this and still not eat healthy and exercise? I have a family that I love and adore, I have wonderful friends that I adore. I want to LIVE. Really live! I want to be here for them. I started this blog a long time ago, and in all this time my health has only gotten worse. The ONLY good thing I can say is that my weight is not where it was at its highest. That's the only good thing I can say. I need all of the prayers and support I can get.
I'll be back.
Ms X

Monday, March 14, 2011


Hi! How is everyone doing? I haven't blogged in a while. It amazes me how much things have changed in the past year. Though it's just after midnight, I can now say that it's been 9 months today since my mom passed.

I don't remember what I've blogged about so some of this might be a repeat. Just about a year ago my mother-in-law moved in. A year ago the daycare was almost finished being built. I won't get into the daycare stuff here but it's been one heck of a year with just that subject alone. Last spring, my oldest daughter had a car accident and miraculously didn't hurt herself or anyone else, thank God. Not long after that my mother went into the hospital for surgery, after several weeks in the hospital, she died a week before my birthday, and 5 days after my oldest graduated high school. All she wanted was for mom to be here for her graduation, it was a bittersweet day when she graduated. My birthday, for the record, sucked. A lot. The year prior all I wanted for my birthday was for my mom to be here. Little did I know it would be the last time I ever saw her again. I didn't take a single picture of her and I together either, I have rarely done that my whole adult life. I have found only 3, and 2 of them are from far away with others in the picture. I won't make that mistake with anyone else. Sadly, on my birthday that last time she was here I had pictures taken with myself and each of my kids and hubby but she was closer to the castle (in a rider thing) and my son was with her while we sat further away. So, I didn't have our pics taken. I'm off on a tangent again. Sorry. So, anyway. My oldest started college in the fall, that made 3 of us in college at the same time. My other two started their last year in middle school and elementary school. Wow!
Then, my oldest announced that she had a girlfriend. Fast forward. Oldest and girlfriend are now living together in an apartment. I was surprised I never got sad and teary and stuff over her moving out. I would just go on another tangent if I started getting into all of that.
So, currently we are moving things around in our house again and doing some major spring cleaning. It feels good to get these things done. I am on a mini break between classes too. I may even take a few days off work during my kid's spring break. I may be seeing a cousin after 20+ years when she comes this way this month. I may even see my brother and his wife, which would be great.
I've been trying to get into all of the specialists my doctor sends me to, as best as I can. Some of them are just irritating me. I don't want to go to a specialist for every little thing. I am going to actually sign up for and go to the pool I found out is by my work, I'm looking forward to that.
Well, enough for now. I hope everyone is well. What is everyone else up to this spring?
Ms X

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I'm alive!

Hi! It's sad that I spend several minutes trying to decide which color and font I'll use. I probably shouldn't be allowed near a computer right now, considering my mind isn't functioning at its best. But, here I am! I've been down pretty hard for 5 days now with the flu. Now I see why people get vaccinated against this. Hubby had it two weeks ago and was down super mega hard for about 3 days. I also have a UTI and an infection in my finger. I've only heard of this finger infection thing one time before, when someone was hospitalized for it. I thought it was a spider bite, apparently it is common to think that. So, yeah, it basically has felt like my thumb is broken and it's swollen. It's better today than it was. I bumped it earlier and THAT hurt! It's really weird how things can happen to us and how much one little thing can affect us. So, while I have the flu and two infections I have to watch my blood sugar to make sure it doesn't get too high. Healing doesn't happen when it's high. So, all of this while still dealing with chronic pain too makes me down pretty hard. I'm ready to be better, and yes, I'll take my vitamins!
I was just looking at random pics and thought I'd post a few. I posted a pic of our new firepit, we've used it twice and I LOVE it. Hubby called my a pryo. So, maybe I liked big flames just a little. The bear, well, he was the last one in the store and was half price. He wanted me to take him home and I didn't. Wasn't he cute??
Anyway, it's a shame I've had all of this down time but got nothing accomplished, my mind isn't functioning properly..ask my husband! Just getting up to make sure my family isn't starving or pushing flu preventative pills on them wears me out. On a good note, since I haven't made it to the store, we are going through our freezers and using up things we've needed to use up. Sad, but true. I've looked at several people's blogs and have found some I really like. They do some awesome things and save money, make great food, etc. I've been thinking about planting a garden. I'm just not sure where to start. Our soil isn't the greatest. I'd love the satisfaction that comes from growing my own produce. I grew up helping in our gardens when I was living with my dad, so I know how much work goes into it and what I would need to do. I need to start deciding quickly what I want to do and how I want to do it.
Meanwhile, I've enjoyed work lately. I love the children and my co-workers. I miss them since I've been sick. Thinking about actually doing weight watchers, but not where I pay and go, just where I'm doing the plan along with my co-workers. They have been completely denying themselves anything yummy. I've learned the hard way that complete deprivation doesn't work for me. My middle child has kept me very busy. Between her cheerleading, band and now basketball too...she keeps me busy running around and spending money on her! The oldest and youngest each have their own problems too. The youngest is having a hard time in school right now I am just learning. I need to get healthy and get myself back to work so I have much needed money for bills. I need to stay healthy for my family!
I know my blog is rather boring, which is weird because I'm usually a goofball. Anyway, I hope everyone is staying healthy.
Ms X