Tuesday, August 16, 2011

kicking and screaming

Perhaps a more appropriate title for my post would be..tired of kicking and screaming. i am still hanging in there, but it is really hard. I did decide to start eating some foods sometimes for the sake of not murdering and eating my loved ones. Ok, so, maybe I wouldn't eat them, but I was a raging psychopath. Even more so than usual.

Mother in law is, in fact, moving back in. Tomorrow. It's a long stressful story. It ultimately ended up being my decision to let her come back. She was as much of a mess as she was when she first came to stay. She was distraught and crying, bawling really. She said she had no place to go. She'd realized that she couldn't afford to get her own place and that this really wasn't such a bad place after all. I was ready for her to be out. I also knew that if she moved out, she would end up right back where she was before. Nothing in me wanted her to be back. But, I couldn't do it. I couldn't have her sitting there raw and open just bawling her eyes out and desperate. So, I guess her coming back right before school starts is better than after we'd gotten acclimated to our new schedules. I am not looking forward to this at all, but, it is what it is.

I've been missing my mom so much, yet I've been trying hard not to think about it. Yesterday was the 14 month mark. I have wanted and needed her SOOOO much lately. Every time I turn a corner, something reminds me of her. I'd been looking forward to talking to my sister about stuff, the one that "cut me off" a few years ago for things I didn't do. Well, I've done something again. I was playing games with her and ignoring her online. (no, actually, I didn't do ANY of this..this is what I was accused of) In fact, I'd been anxious to talk to her and was keeping my chats and stuff up in case she came on. I missed her and that just turned into a whole big fiasco. I tried to write back and tell her that I wasn't really there. Why do I do this to myself?? One of my sisters isn't really too high maintenance, though the other two feel that she is the root of all evil and the root of all their problems. The other two though, wow. They are REALLY high maintenance. If you say or do one thing wrong they will "cut you off". My God my family is screwed up. Then there is my brother. I was so glad that he happened to be living with my mom during her last few months. He was a good son and she adored him (during those last few months). In previous years he would avoid her for months or years at a time, even though they lived in the same town. He often sucked as a son through the years. Mom died knowing that the two of us loved and adored her. He was such a good brother to me during that time. There was one time where he was drunk and freaked out on me, but, he was crying and apologetic when I called back. Even after mom died he and I got along great. We really got each other. We were always on the same page. Then when I let him know that mom's boyfriend died, I didn't get any contact from him for months. He died in April I think, it is now August and the only contact I've had from my brother was on the anniversary of mom's death. I texted him and he actually responded. So, yeah. I could go on for days, the point is. We are all messed up. A lot. My brother and I have a different mom than our sisters, but, we are all screwed up. I'm guessing my dad carried the "extremely screwed up" gene. Who knows, mom was far from perfect.

I kind of got carried away, eh? Anyone still with me? My biggest overwhelming issue right now is money. I don't have any. Yet I do have a TON of bills. I am working on some online work that is supposed to be legitimate, I am trying to get the work that is. I can write or talk til the cows come home. Considering I've NEVER had a cow near my property, that's a REALLY long time. Does anyone know of online work? I need money. Bad. I've thought of desperate things like this weird thing I heard of where guys like fat chicks to sit on them..fully clothed and non sexual. I joked about it anyway. Um. euww. I can't imagine! But..I AM desperate! I saw a brinks truck today...it was placed there to taunt me. Now, considering my children fight like cats and dogs, my cats and dogs fight like cats and dogs. My oldest daughter and her girlfriend are also struggling to make ends meet. My mother in law has all her drama and is moving back in. I'm in my final week of a math class I may not pass. I starved myself for almost 2 weeks and MUST continue on a weight loss path but become psycho when starved. School is starting and my kids don't have the things they need/want for school to start. I need to keep bills paid so I can have electricity, water, etc. and pay things so hubby keeps his job. (must not let anything go over 30 days). My dogs need hair cuts. My animals need to see the vet. Many things have broken around here lately. My family is nuts. hubby's family is nuts. I am nuts. Considering all of those things, it was tempting to just leap onto the brinks truck and fight my way to the money. Yes, I would not have been able to leap. Yes, they had openly displayed weaponry. So, the thought was only a passing one.

So, I am just ranting. Carrying on. I am going to get healthier. I've been working on getting organized, etc every day. I just have a lot of things going on. Oh God help me. My youngest child just asked me a very traumatizing question. I need therapy. My last therapist jumped out the window. She muttered something about needing fresh air.

K...well...thanks for reading!

No comments:

Post a Comment