Monday, August 29, 2011

Still here

Hi all! I feel like ranting so here I go. Oh, btw, I do have a few people who read this blog, I have another blog I've started where I am not anonymous. I'd love to share it with you. Just let me know. There are even pictures. ;)

My life has sucked. a lot. lately. I've tried to have the attitude that I know it can be worse, and I know it can be. But, I am really about to just lose it completely. People do not have any clue how bad things are and most people wouldn't get it anyway.

We have been VERY broke. Hubby works his butt off and I used to. I would again if I had a JOB. I regret shutting down the daycare in MANY ways. Yet again, had I not shut down my home daycare, I would not have developed relationships with some of the people I've gotten close to at the center.

I guess I didn't mention that the center got shut down. They were evicted. It was a unique experience filled with many emotions for me. It was the beginning and the end of a lot of things for me. The place was. I was so excited to be starting that journey and it was such a part of my life as we were getting it set up. As soon as other people were brought into it and we were about to open, my friend of 20+ years began treating me like total crap. I think I've ranted about all of that before.

I went through a lot in the year+ that it was in operation. I had already been taken off the schedule completely at the beginning of the summer. Hubby was still being paid for IT work but I wasn't being paid. Our finances were hurting bad but I figured I'd suck it up and when the kids headed back to school I would just ask to take some job in a classroom at minimum wage and just deal with it. Yes, it would have been a humiliating thing for me, but, the minimum wage people are the ones with hours. But, she let everyone know at the very last minute that they were being evicted.

I went over there and brought my daughters and my oldest daughter's girlfriend with me. We worked til 3 am getting stuff out of there. (apparently that is not something you're supposed to do...oops!) I went the next day and got a few more things. I was sad for the employees and for the children who would be uprooted and placed elsewhere. I felt bad for the parents who'd been deceived. Everyone had been. If you're being evicted, it's not a surprise to you when it happens. There were several elderly women, 2 pregnant women, 2 newly married women, and several single moms working there. A lot of people got screwed over. I was used to her screwing me over. I don't understand how someone can go from so amazing someone who is an out of control liar.

Anyway. We are now down even more money every month and I can't find a job. To say I'm stressed is an understatement. I have to be creative when it comes to feeding everyone. I went to a food pantry place a friend uses and got less than a shopping cart of food for 5 people. The same friend got 2 over flowing carts later in the day for 4. The people said it's all a matter of when you go and my friend went after they got a bunch of food in. No, I couldn't go back for more. i also sought help for my electric bill. (no, none of these things are things I imagined I would have to do) I did everything I was told to do to get the electric bill paid. I left there with the man telling me they'd pay it that day. Today my electricity was shut off. I went to this place a week ago. The whole experience today spanned hours and included a lot of further humiliation. The agency that was assisting me admitted they had made a mistake and the electricity was restored. How embarrassing.

I am desperately trying to keep things from hitting the 30 day mark, if they are in his name and hit the 30 day mark, he loses his job because of his security clearance. My mother in law tries to say helpful things like telling me how she's "been there". Um. no. big difference. She sat on her butt not trying to do anything about it. My husband doesn't deserve this. He is retired military, works a full time job, a part time job (til the center closed), and goes to school full time. She doesn't understand our situation at all. She had her other son, who is a complete deadbeat, also sitting on HIS butt living with her that whole time.

There are MANY things I would do differently if I could do them over. MANY. I can't change the past now. I just pray things start going well VERY soon so I can change the way I do things in the future. My oldest daughter is also having a very hard time, but, she moved to 25 minutes away and no longer has a vehicle thanks to her girlfriend crashing her car. So, I can't just run out there to her all the time. Gas is too expensive for that.

But, yeah. Lots of fighting here whether it's the children, the mother in law and my hubby..or me. Hubby and me. The cats and dogs. I'm worn out and tired of it all. I'm ready for things to get better. Oh! My washer has now been out for a month. We've been through the ringer (no pun intended) with the home warranty place. Thankfully a friend let me do 2 loads of my hubby and children's stuff there yesterday. The laundry mat has been EXPENSIVE.

I have an eye out on the stove too now. But, the others least 2 of them do. There has been a long list of broken items around here, but, I'm too tired to try to remember what they all are.

Thanks if you stuck around to hear my rant. Know of any online jobs that are legitimate? I have put lots of apps in, etc. I'm looking for jobs not online too. UGH. But, there is a job that may be available soon that I REALLY want a lot. But, more on that later. I'm praying though!
Ms X

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A day in the life

I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday. I had a whole "blog worth" of stuff to blog about. Well, now today there is a whole other "thing" to blog about.

Yesterday morning my mother in law came over to talk to us. She was a mess. She was bawling and extremely upset. She was desperate. She was very sorry for the way she has been. She moved back in last night. I made the decision. Hubby basically told her no (that she couldn't come back), then went to bed (which he did need to do, he works 3rd shift). So, that meant it was left up to me. I'm not an evil cold hearted person. I let her come back. No, I didn't want to. But, I just could not do that.

Yesterday, maybe the day before, my sister..the one who had "cut me off" a few years ago for things I didn't even do, cut me off again. I was/am very hurt by the things she is now accusing me off, and the whole thing is really stupid. Basically she thought I was ignoring her when she tried to talk to me online, and it escalated into me discriminating against her because I "said I wouldn't want to be on tv next to her because she is so skinny and pretty and I'm not". Yes, I'm serious. What was the actual conversation we had in June? She said that the two of us ought to do a cooking show, I said "maybe so but right now you'd have to be the one on tv, they wouldn't want me". I could go on and on, but, eh. Then, I sent a very nice apologetic email to her explaining things and she sent an email back saying she didn't read it. Again, I am leaving a lot out. Too much to tell.

Tonight we got a call from the daycare. I've mentioned the place many times. They are being evicted tomorrow. The place has a lot of children, and a lot of employees. There is so much going on with all of that. The whole situation is so sad. There are a lot of employees that will have a serious hardship over this. My own family is barely hanging on as it is. This is going to hit us hard too. But, some of these people that work there, it is their whole livelihood. We have several wonderful women who are in their 70s and 60s. We have newly married people, 2 pregnant employees. It's insane. Not to mention, my former best friend and former boss, the one who has caused me so much grief. She and her family may literally be losing everything. She is like another dysfunctional sister to me. They are like our family. So, anyway, after the call I called my daughter, who is also having a very hard time right now. I brought my two daughters and my oldest daughter's girlfriend with me to the daycare and we helped move things out until 3 am. The director was there at one point and she said that if she were me she wouldn't have even come out there. That surprised me coming from her. What she meant was that after the way I've been treated, she wouldn't have done it if she were me. Why do I do it? I don't know. I want to be there for people. I treat others like I would want to be treated.

We've been VERY tight on money. It's been bad. My husband has a check from her that may very likely bounce. I spent all day waiting on a phone call so I can go get help on my electric bill. I hope they'll call me tomorrow. I've never done this before, you have to call the one place at 8 am. If you can get a referral to the other place, they have 2 days to call you back to come in. If you miss the call, you can't ask for help for 6 more months. I am praying they can help, and that I don't miss the call. We've not had milk and barely any groceries. This really sucks. I just said earlier today that I am well aware things could be a lot worse. Then this happens with the daycare. But, it could still be MUCH worse, I would really prefer it get BETTER at this point. I wanted to play the lottery tonight, but couldn't even scrape up enough change. lol The people I would help if I won!

Anyway, I had wanted to rant about the mother in law, didn't have time. I don't have any time to rant at all. I may be having someone come over to try to rescue me from my math. I just need to pass this class. Really. I do. I HATE having to take this class more than I can even begin to say. It will be another huge bump in the road and financial hit if I fail it. Hubby is also in a class right now...I hope he's doing ok.

I'm done now. hopefully I can wind down and go to sleep soon.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

kicking and screaming

Perhaps a more appropriate title for my post would be..tired of kicking and screaming. i am still hanging in there, but it is really hard. I did decide to start eating some foods sometimes for the sake of not murdering and eating my loved ones. Ok, so, maybe I wouldn't eat them, but I was a raging psychopath. Even more so than usual.

Mother in law is, in fact, moving back in. Tomorrow. It's a long stressful story. It ultimately ended up being my decision to let her come back. She was as much of a mess as she was when she first came to stay. She was distraught and crying, bawling really. She said she had no place to go. She'd realized that she couldn't afford to get her own place and that this really wasn't such a bad place after all. I was ready for her to be out. I also knew that if she moved out, she would end up right back where she was before. Nothing in me wanted her to be back. But, I couldn't do it. I couldn't have her sitting there raw and open just bawling her eyes out and desperate. So, I guess her coming back right before school starts is better than after we'd gotten acclimated to our new schedules. I am not looking forward to this at all, but, it is what it is.

I've been missing my mom so much, yet I've been trying hard not to think about it. Yesterday was the 14 month mark. I have wanted and needed her SOOOO much lately. Every time I turn a corner, something reminds me of her. I'd been looking forward to talking to my sister about stuff, the one that "cut me off" a few years ago for things I didn't do. Well, I've done something again. I was playing games with her and ignoring her online. (no, actually, I didn't do ANY of this..this is what I was accused of) In fact, I'd been anxious to talk to her and was keeping my chats and stuff up in case she came on. I missed her and that just turned into a whole big fiasco. I tried to write back and tell her that I wasn't really there. Why do I do this to myself?? One of my sisters isn't really too high maintenance, though the other two feel that she is the root of all evil and the root of all their problems. The other two though, wow. They are REALLY high maintenance. If you say or do one thing wrong they will "cut you off". My God my family is screwed up. Then there is my brother. I was so glad that he happened to be living with my mom during her last few months. He was a good son and she adored him (during those last few months). In previous years he would avoid her for months or years at a time, even though they lived in the same town. He often sucked as a son through the years. Mom died knowing that the two of us loved and adored her. He was such a good brother to me during that time. There was one time where he was drunk and freaked out on me, but, he was crying and apologetic when I called back. Even after mom died he and I got along great. We really got each other. We were always on the same page. Then when I let him know that mom's boyfriend died, I didn't get any contact from him for months. He died in April I think, it is now August and the only contact I've had from my brother was on the anniversary of mom's death. I texted him and he actually responded. So, yeah. I could go on for days, the point is. We are all messed up. A lot. My brother and I have a different mom than our sisters, but, we are all screwed up. I'm guessing my dad carried the "extremely screwed up" gene. Who knows, mom was far from perfect.

I kind of got carried away, eh? Anyone still with me? My biggest overwhelming issue right now is money. I don't have any. Yet I do have a TON of bills. I am working on some online work that is supposed to be legitimate, I am trying to get the work that is. I can write or talk til the cows come home. Considering I've NEVER had a cow near my property, that's a REALLY long time. Does anyone know of online work? I need money. Bad. I've thought of desperate things like this weird thing I heard of where guys like fat chicks to sit on them..fully clothed and non sexual. I joked about it anyway. Um. euww. I can't imagine! But..I AM desperate! I saw a brinks truck was placed there to taunt me. Now, considering my children fight like cats and dogs, my cats and dogs fight like cats and dogs. My oldest daughter and her girlfriend are also struggling to make ends meet. My mother in law has all her drama and is moving back in. I'm in my final week of a math class I may not pass. I starved myself for almost 2 weeks and MUST continue on a weight loss path but become psycho when starved. School is starting and my kids don't have the things they need/want for school to start. I need to keep bills paid so I can have electricity, water, etc. and pay things so hubby keeps his job. (must not let anything go over 30 days). My dogs need hair cuts. My animals need to see the vet. Many things have broken around here lately. My family is nuts. hubby's family is nuts. I am nuts. Considering all of those things, it was tempting to just leap onto the brinks truck and fight my way to the money. Yes, I would not have been able to leap. Yes, they had openly displayed weaponry. So, the thought was only a passing one.

So, I am just ranting. Carrying on. I am going to get healthier. I've been working on getting organized, etc every day. I just have a lot of things going on. Oh God help me. My youngest child just asked me a very traumatizing question. I need therapy. My last therapist jumped out the window. She muttered something about needing fresh air.

K...well...thanks for reading!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Day #9

Hi! I am on day number 9 of my juice fast. This has been quite the ride! I swear, the past week has been worse than usual in multiple ways. Not just because I am irritable, etc. It really just has. On Tuesday it was day 8. I weighed in at the doctor's office (as well as my home scale) and it was official. I had been there exactly one week prior and weighed in at the doctor's office. I made the nurse, the same nurse I always have, look at the scale this week. She gasped. I was down 27 pounds. In. one. week. I don't even know what to think of that. I am thrilled and can feel all kinds of changes. I can see them too. After the doctor's visit I went into "work" (it's a joke to even call it that now) and everyone there was surprised also. A few people I am closer to said they can definitely see a difference. I was dressed completely different than I normally do and had my hair down and makeup on, so, that alone threw them off. My normal clothes are already swallowing me.

Today was ROUGH. Very rough. OMG was it rough. Our washer broke, only one of many things to have broken recently. So, today I made the trek to my neighborhood laundry mat with my 14 year old along to help. We had TONS of laundry. I must admit, since I was going there and they have the big front loaders, I brought along comforters I probably wouldn't have washed just yet otherwise. It took 4 hours. Much of that was spent standing. But, we came home with 12 loads of laundry clean! lol. The laundry had been piling up because the washer was not working properly and it was a pain. It would take half the day for one load. Then it was just done. It broke for good. I had a wet load to prove it. So, the guy came out to fix it (home warranty plans are the best thing ever!) and now we are waiting on a bunch of parts. So, last night I had the kids gather up their laundry, I gathered up mine. We put it all together and I divided it by loads so I wouldn't have to do it today. So, I was smart enough to drink juice before we left today. But, while we were there I was miserable because it was hot and I kept thinking about the gyro place two doors down from the laundry mat. So, I got home and long story short, it wasn't a good day once I got home either. I finally was able to get a nap, a long one. I only got up because I hadn't seen my son since I brought him to his "camp' at the school this morning. I've been running around getting things on my to do list done all night. I am doing better tonight. I am hungry right now, but, I'm also pretty much out of things to juice. I am going to the store tomorrow. I was seriously thinking about making a healthy all fruit smoothie before I head out tomorrow. Of course, since I've had only juice I prepare myself, I am not sure if it will make me sick or not. I do not know yet how many days I'll do the reboot. (That's what this juice fast is). I would really like to do it for the full 60 days, yet there's the part of me that wants the smoothie and wants brussel sprouts. Yes, that is what I am craving. Not to say I don't salivate like all of Pavlov's dogs at a pig roast every time I have to prepare the family food. I do. Things I don't usually care for smell good to me now. Hubby was eating a hamburger the other day and I could smell every single thing that was on the burger. This is for my health. I am feeling a lot better in SO many ways. When I go to sleep and wake up in the morning it will be day 10. The 10th day of not consuming any foods. Wow! A good friend started doing this before me and is on day 22 tomorrow. She's feeling wonderful. In fact, she is making some juices for me to sample at her house tomorrow. I am looking forward to it! She and I had a date to walk last night but she fell an hour before we were supposed to go. Thank God she didn't hurt herself. Just some bruising, nothing broken and her bad back is ok. I am hoping that tomorrow will be a good day. One can hope! I desperately need a miracle with finances. I keep praying and hoping for one. That's a huge stressor for me. My mother-in-law, that's a whole other story. I don't remember what I last blogged about regarding her. There are just too many icky things going on. But, I am getting healthier. Trying to get better blood sugar readings. I've had several good readings the past week, I'm thrilled with those! But, I am frustrated that my morning readings are around 155. I do not get that at all. But, I am working on it. Sometimes it's one second at a time, not even one minute at a time.
Just wanted to post. I've had major ups and major downs all week. I'm on a roller coaster for sure! But, I am (hopefully) headed in the right direction!
Oh! Check out or fat, sick, and nearly dead for more information about what I'm doing. I saw the movie on netflix instant watch.
Ms X

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Still juicing!

Hi! I'll be glad when today is over. I have had a rough week, unrelated to the juicing. Not to say that the juicing is easy, it is not. In fact, it downright sucks at times! But, I am ok. I am feeling pretty decent. I have noticed many changes. I was down 19 pounds this morning. Today is day 6. I canNOT complain about that!! I wore jeans yesterday, I noticed my ring that was VERY tight spinning around today. The changes I've already noticed are beyond amazing! I'm pretty ticked off that my left knee is still hurting a lot. I don't even know where that came from! But, the back is better. Today has sucked, a lot. But, tomorrow is a new day, and a new week. I am looking forward to going to sleep, that is for sure! I got my broken cpap machine replaced today, I love my cpap guy! My washer is broken. Laptop is still resurrection yet. Lawn mower..still broken. carpet shampooer..broken. Sadly, I am forgetting some things. lol. It's ok, life goes on either way. Did I already mention that my MIL ran away? I think I did. So, if I did, I also mentioned that she's coming back. That makes me sad. The past couple of days of not having her here have been nice. Ok, well, I am feeling really hungry so I'd better just go to bed and try to forget about it. lol. I am juicing in the morning and it will NOT include red pepper...GAG. I forced myself to drink ALL of the juice with red pepper in it. I am so glad THAT is gone!!!
Ms X

Friday, August 5, 2011


Hi! I know, lame title, right? Well, about 24 hours ago I was up in the middle of the night, just as I am now. I was writing my butt off on here. I was talking about profound thoughts I had, things I'd learned, what's been going on, etc. I even had a few parts that were actually humorous! Then I hit publish. That is when it all went away. It made me sad. Ok. So...on to now.

I am not planning on going into a lot of detail this time. Just reporting. With doctor's consent and lots of blood work, Tuesday I started a juice fast. I was fascinated with "fat,sick, and nearly dead" when I saw it on instant watch on netflix a few weeks ago. In it, the men do a 60 day juice fast. They were both in bad health and were desperate for a change. They had a lot of success. So, a few days after I watched the movie, a friend started her fast. She's on day 18 and feels great. The only thing I can say is that I'm drinking the minimum juice and need to kick it up some, I don't need to be stupid and starve myself. I've learned and noticed TONS of things but now isn't the time to write them here. When I weighed myself this time last night I was down either 12 or 15 lbs, depending on whether the doctors scale matches ours or not. Either way, I am finishing day 4 now. So, for day 3, those numbers aren't bad! My back is feeling LOTS better already. My leg, still hurting. But, enough of that for now! There will be plenty more to report. I am going to the farmer's market tomorrow. I'll round up the remains of my spinach, apples, etc in the morning so I can juice before I go.

Mother in law ran away today. She and hubby got into a fight, she was completely in the wrong and was totally acting like a child. She even threatened to smack him in his face. Really? Basically, she lied, I witnessed it, and when he said "mom, you just lied" she freaked out. It was ugly and my blood pressure went sky high. So, she yelled "I hate living here" (oh, the irony in that statement) and he said "then leave". She slammed her door (I HATE old is she?) then, an hour later her son came to get her (the other son) and she packed a bunch of stuff, including a bunch of stuff from the kitchen, and her dog and left. Hubby told her that he could have helped her, he wasn't mad at her, etc. She wouldn't speak to him. 45 minutes later she asked if she could come back. Man..for 45 minutes I was SO excited. But, she told him she'd be back in a few days.

My beloved laptop just up and died the other day. No reason, no warning. My c-pap machine died tonight. Well, it's not "dead" yet, but it is possessed. My son had knocked it over earlier and the water from the humidifier must have gotten into the machine. Thank God I have a backup cpap, it doesn't work right but it will hopefully do for now. I've already emailed my wonderful cpap man. My laptop, I'm hoping it makes a miraculous healing like my old one. I am on the old one now. The poor little thing looks so sad and lonely. I want them BOTH to work!

Finances suck since I'm basically unemployed right now, and unemployable. I told hubby I would just go get a job anywhere and he pointed out that I am having trouble just walking around. Good point. Plus they don't want someone who looks as I do. So, yeah, we need a miracle with finances. We've had a miracle every month, so, God can do all things!

In spite of the reports of this week, I am doing ok. I am trying to focus on bettering my health regardless of the circumstances. I am learning a lot. I would love to be able to do the fast for the 60 days, then the proper transition, then my own smart eating after that. I have to do this. I am feeling good though. I now understand that it will pass. My cravings, my feelings, etc. When I am cooking for the family and want so badly to eat their food, it passes. It's not worth it to ruin my fast. But, it's 3 am and I have a farmers market to go to in a few hours.

Oh! one more thing! My weight is down and my sugar has been down below 125 3 times this week! Amazing! Miracle! Woot Woot! lol

Ms X