Sunday, January 3, 2010

Demons to Conquer

I have read a few blogs and a lot of facebook comments the past few days. I've got a few projects done around my house, and have TONS left to do. I have to get back to work tomorrow, and my class starts back up the next day, classes went on a 2 week break right before my final week of class. Guess who has took that whole 2 weeks off and has LOTS of work to do?? I have to admit, it really was nice to do whatever I wanted for a week. The first week I didn't because it took everything in me to handle my sister being here. It would take a team of trained psychiatrists to explain all of that. It may be a blessing that my back was out the first part of her visit because one of the meds the doctor gave me for pain caused "euphoria" and all kinds of other happy thoughts. When I took something for pain, I'd reach for that one. It kept everyone alive. Don't worry, didn't get addicted. My husband got upset when I told him, until I explained that I needed SOMETHING for the pain so I chose that one. Then he understood. Maybe he was just jealous that he didn't have happy pills.

I have no idea if I blogged about the MRI, I think I did so I won't repeat anything about that lovely experience. I'm happy to say, my back is getting better again as of yesterday. It never got as bad as it had been, thank God. That whole situation really ticked me off, I plan to make some calls this week and raise some hell.

I had a lot of fun on New Year's eve. It was nice going out and actually DOING something instead of staying home like hubby prefers. We didn't know if we would make it through the whole night of festivities, but, we actually lasted from 7pm to 2:00 am at the party. I must say, it's hard to be trapped in this body in that environment, maybe if I'd been doing things like that all these years I wouldn't have gotten so huge. I did not get up one time and dance. I would have LOVED to dance though. I know how ridiculous I look. Not to mention, I'm pretty dangerous out there, if I were to shake my butt around, I could take out half the room. My back was hurting that night, and my feet were stuffed into ugly old lady shoes a size too small. My left foot still hasn't recovered from that. As much as it bothers my husband, I haven't been able to dance in front of him and stuff since I was 18 or 19 years old, he wishes I would, I can't. Back then I danced and had a good old time when I went out, sometimes my friend and I would be the only two on the floor. So, less than 20 years after that, here I sit all night while legions of 60 year olds danced all night. Yeah, I think pathetic could definitely describe me. My hubby and I didn't even slow dance, I'm sure if I had persisted he would have, but I didn't want to either. At the end of the night they had a really hearty breakfast. After almost everyone there had grabbed breakfast, I carefully made my way through the people and tables to the stairs. (I need a lot of room to get by people without knocking them out) I got to the stairs and it just about kicked my butt walking up them. My knees, feet, legs, back, everything hurt! I'M the one who DIDN'T dance. I was also one of the younger people there. I thought "what the hell???" I watched these people, they didn't appear to be in pain out there! The other women my age were in gorgeous dresses and having the time of their lives. What have I done to myself to be this way? I spent years being miserable and depressed and all kinds of other things, I spent years worrying about everyone else's happiness and not my own. I was in denial about my own issues and hid behind good food and spending too much money. (that's a whole other issue) Now I am way bigger than everyone else and suffering from my years of self abuse, even though I don't feel the way I did all those years anymore. Does that make any sense?? Now I want to live and enjoy life and I trappped myself in this abused body.

Ok, onto my next thought. I was out with my 13 year old daughter yesterday, her quest in life this past year has been to dominate the world with skinny jeans, ok, maybe I'm exaggerating, but, now that she has 8 pairs of them, and it includes extreme skinny and super skinny jeans, she actually said she has enough. Gasp. It's true! So, anyway, we get home and I organize my spice cupboard (a long overdue task) and then we played upwards. So, I finally get on my laptop after being away from it all day, and I had been tagged on facebook in very unflattering pictures. Ok, that is a big issue for me. I have NO pictures of me on facebook for a reason. I allowed someone to photograph me looking like death warmed over at my house. So, I haven't let anyone on facebook see how BIG I've gotten because they are intelligent enough to know I avoid my own photographs for a reason, but, the horror of it is lost on them because they don't know HOW bad it really is. If I were to actually post a picture, it would be one that shows me at my best, not the ones she showed. So, I panicked and freaked out and calmly untagged myself and nicely asked that she make sure none of my friends can see them and that the two extremely unflattering ones have me cropped out. Yes, this is where the title of this post came from. It's not just this though, I have a lot of demons to conquer, several have been referenced in this post. I'm sure my list could go on for miles though, there are many. I know that we all have demons to face, some demons are worse than others, some have more demons than others, but, we all have them. Mine seem to come up with each layer of fat that comes off. Oh, I doubt any layers have come off in the past 2 weeks...but the demons are still appearing.

I've always hated New Years resolutions. My step mom used to make a HUGE deal out of them every year and would then be done with them in a month. That left a bad taste in my mouth, so, I don't do it. However, a new year is a great time to have goals and things you want to accomplish before the year is out. I can agree to that. I want to have my whole house in order and organized, I want to de-clutter my house and my life. I want to get my finances on track, some way somehow, I want to stay on track and have my bachelors by year's end. I want to have much success in my new position. I want to be healthy and happy. I don't know what an honest, realistic weight goal is for me, especially considering I'm changing my lifestyle, not dieting. I see people who lose 200 in a year, and I see people that lose 50 in a year. It used to be that I would lose 30 or more in a month's time when I dieted. This last year when I dieted I busted my butt and only lost that in a couple of months. I do admit that losing a large chunk quickly without losing any body parts other than fat would be ideal. Being a "normal" fat would be so much easier than being THIS fat. I've now met TWO doctors I like, both males, which surprised me. Well, apparently one is a nurse practioner. But, that will work too I guess. I'm thrilled though to have doctors that I like, that hasn't happened a lot over the years. Anyway, I would love to bring 2011 in a much happier, healthier person. That would be awesome! Also, I'd LOVE to be much closer to a normal weight by my 40th in June of 2011. Anyway, the day is passing quickly, tomorrow a "normal" week begins. I have MUCH to do. Happy New Year to all!!!
Ms. X


  1. Happy New Year, Ms. X -- may 2010 bring you everything you wish for. Well, at least a reasonable portion of it... have to save some of the good stuff for 2011 :)

  2. OK, I'm laughing my ass off here at you taking happy pills so people could stay alive!! I might need to borrow some of them!!!

    Oh my friend, the anguish I read in that second paragraph. I just want to reach out and hug you. Yep, your fat ass...bring it on. We can't look back and say 'why' and 'what if'...the past is just that. The past. We can do something about the future though. You are doing that.

    It doesn't matter if we look ridiculous. Screw anyone that doesn't like how we look. I'm trying to give up the 'f' word...bear with me. We deserve to dance. We deserve to laugh and to love. We're just fat, we're still worthy. If you swing your ass and knock over a person or two...tough. They'll move out of your way next time! You're only trapped into that body until you melt it away. Oh oh oh I've got a blow torch!

    I saw that you were tagged in photo's this morning or last night or sometime...I also know how you feel about that so I didn't click on the album to look. When you want me to have pictures, you'll send them.

    You can't compare yourself to others. You're right, some lose a lot, and some not so much. I lost 4.5 pounds this year. Am I happy about it? Not really. I wanted more. I am, however, thrilled to death I didn't gain as I've done that before. How bout if we both make 2010 our year to shine? We'll get together for your 40th in 2011 and rock the night away!

    Smile my friend....take it one day at a time. Treat each little victory like you won a million dollars. Celebrate the small stuff!

    Happy New Year!!!!

  3. Happppppppy New Year! I agree most of the tiime resolutions are silly and don't happen, but goals are definitely good!