Saturday, December 12, 2009

They've just been doing it longer

Hi all! I thought I'd post something to let everyone know I'm hanging in there. I have been doing so much non-blog writing today I don't know how much I'll have left in me to blog about! With me...that may not mean a thing!

My back has been really bad today, again. I'm really frustrated and keep praying it will get better. When it's been bad before, it's always eventually gotten better. Though it's never been exactly like this before. I think it was worse one time, I mostly laid down for about a week. Of course, maybe I hadn't figured out yet that the best remedy was to sit up and have my legs up on the stool in front of me (which is not an easy task when it hurts like that) That seems to stretch it out enough that I'm able to move around better after a while. I am not one to whine and complain and talk about negative things. I've now been one of those people I can't stand to be around lately. I moan and groan when I move, wow, what has happened? I told my husband I am SO sorry that I have been so messed up. I have been pretty emotional too. There was a time where I seemed quite emotionless, apparently I am more than making up for that now.

We recently had a lot of big changes in our household, there is about to be another transition, and the transitions will continue to happen for a while. Nothing horrible though. My husband and I are together, and the kids are here. It's just too much information to share right now. I am just riding the waves I guess.

I'm happy to say that I made my husband one of "my" kind of meals earlier and he loved it! Yay! He normally would want more than what I made. I took chicken breasts, mushrooms and onions (they were frozen so not enough mushrooms, but I actually ate the onions!), zucchini, and green beans that I steamed first, and put them in the skillet with some seasonings, he liked it a lot! Then, my younger teen-age daughter and her friend tried..and liked...some of my zucchini...score! :) I may be more excited than I should be, but, I'm ok with that.

I talked to my sister on the phone earlier, one that is coming to visit this week that I haven't seen in 10 years. I never realized that I didn't actually tell her my weight. I would hate to shock her with that! I would not want to see the pain in her face. I know how much it would hurt her to see me like this without a warning. I've talked openly about it, and thought I had even told her my weight. I hesitated to tell her and said "If I tell you you'll gasp in shock", so, with that warning, she handled it well. I do know that the whole time I was growing up, she was one of the people monitoring my food intake. Back when I was fine. I guess she knew better than I what was to come. If I'm repeating myself, I apologize. It's her words that have haunted me for years. When I was in my twenties and was about 260 I said to her once that I didn't understand how anybody could be bigger than I was at that time because I couldn't imagine how anyone could eat more than me. She looked at me and said "They've just been doing it longer". I pondered it at the time, but it obviously didn't stop me from abusing myself for many more years to come. What wise words those were. How I wished I had a grip on things and had the perspective on things I have now.

I have written some heartfelt stuff to people today, I have even written some heartfelt stuff that was the start of this blog, only it didn't make it here. It really is theraputic for anyone that doesn't blog. At least writing it out helps. I have so many things I'm not sure I can even blog about, but, if I write them it will help.

I have said before, and maybe I had even heard it somewhere else, I no longer remember, that when a person gets really fat they have added layers of protection to themselves. They are trying to hide all of the pain and problems within the layers of fat. As the layers of fat come off, the problems re-emerge to be dealt with. I have found that to be frighteningly true. I don't completely understand it all yet, and I'm a Psych major. Of course I am, right? The same sister told me back when I was in High School to not go into the Psychology field because the only people who do are crazy themselves. I'm pretty sure those words may be true also, but, I guess I'll fit right in then.

I plan to help people, I'll use this whole experience to help others who need healing, others who have no hope and need someone who can relate to their pain. I have a very different outlook on things than I did 20 years ago. I have a different outlook than a year ago, thanks to the health issues I've had this year. How horrible that I have thought the things I've thought about obese people through the years. I definitely understand when someone cannot understand where I'm coming from. I just think it's unneccessary for anyone to be cruel ever. It's never ok to judge anyone else either, though I think most people have a tendency to do it to some level. Unless they've actually walked a milk in someone's shoes, nobody can understand anyone else's plight. I've been judged my whole life (probably part of the reason I had a distorted body image and thought I was fat 300 pounds ago), I've sometimes been treated very harshly. People being negative to me or saying mean things has never helped me. I remember the things people said to me that were mean, but not once has someone insulted me or tried to hurt me that I went "Oh, you're right, let me fix that". A fellow blogger that I love dearly said someone called her lazy this week, seriously? Who has the right to say that? Has that person been where she's been? People should lift each other up, not put them down. We're all here for a purpose, why waste time doing things that hurt other people?

I'm not sure where the last part came from, or if it even fits there, but, I'm leaving it. My mind races and I tend to jump all over the place. My mind is often like a room of hyperactive pre-schoolers hyped up on caffeine that have just been allowed to release their pent up energy. Yes, scary. That's my mind. I just realized how long this is. I guess I'll close for today. Thanks for "listening".
Ms X


  1. I wish I had the energy of a bunch of preschoolers hyped up on caffeine. That would be the bomb! My mind definitely wanders like that too. :) I can't count the number of times I've written in a blog post..."but I digress." ;) Blogging is a place for digression. hehe

    I actually kinda agree with the Psychology major thing and one of my best friends has a masters in it. LOL But then I don't think anyone is wholey "Sane." We all have our issues. Some of us more than others... Yes, I'm talking about myself being crazy. hehehe

    I thought I was fat when I weighed 150... Imagine what I thought of myself when I weighed 300 when I was prego with my last kiddo. It's very hard to shake those impressions that people gave you when you were young. I was always made to feel fat and unattractive. Comments like "You'd be so pretty if you just lost some weight." Should be stricken from the english language. You can be attractive and heavy. It's all about trying to appreciate yourself as you are. Which can be hard for sure!

  2. It sounds as if you place a lot of emphasis on your sister's words. If she said it, it must be true, right? I have the same thing with my father... if he said something, I would move heaven and earth to make sure it came true, no matter what it was. He told me that I would get VERY fat, and lo and behold, I got VERY fat. That is just one example. I've found that I've had to dethrone my dad as my personal prophet in order to heal my life. Of course I love my dad and we spend lots of time together, but I treat his words as mere words, not my truth.

    Glad to hear you have some interesting things happening in your life! Enjoy!

  3. I'm delighted that you decided to start your very own blog and it's looking great already. You'll be amazed at how much you have to say even on days when you think there is nothing to be said.

    Your dish with the zucchini, mushroom and onions sounds fantastic. I should be more adventurous with my veg.

    Phones are amazingly resilient, I dropped my own into a bowl of water and once it dried out it continues to work fairly well.

  4. (I'm not sure my comment was posted so forgive me if I have posted twice.)

    It's a real pleasure to see you with your very own blog. It's looking great already. I've found that regular posts help me feel focused even if I think I have not much to say, the words will eventually be found to make your point.

    I 'm really pleased that the people around you have embraced your new regime and are trying out your dishes. It all helps.

  5. I agree with you that people do not have the right to be cruel to one another. I think it's just people who are unhappy in some way and are trying to make themselves feel better by bringing other people down too.
    It's so much nicer to try and make someone feel better!

  6. I was a psychotherapist and I became a holistic nutritionist too because of my own struggles with food. If you resolve it and heal, you are the best qualified to help others do it, I think.
    BODA weight loss

  7. While I don't think I agree with your sister monitoring you, I must admit her comment about 'they've just been doing it longer' really hit home. Someone asked me once how I got so fat...I just said 'years of practice'. We didn't get fat over night. It was years and years of putting one thing after another into our mouths. Getting fit is just going to be us not doing that!

    I'm so far behind in blog reading...but you see where I came first!