Friday, February 12, 2010


Hi all. I literally want to scream right now. I want to run around my back yard in the cold rain screaming at the top of my lungs. Due to many reasons, I will refrain. I'm so out of shape and uncoordinated, I wouldn't make it past the back patio before I would either be in a broken heap on the ground, or, panting like I ran a marathon. Sad, but true. Also, the screaming would attract unwanted attention. I'm also pretty sure my husband would videotape my fall, and then act like he doesn't know me when my screams alert the police.

I have been dealing with seriously intense, agonizing sciatic nerve pain. Who the heck came up with this? It's really not funny at all. My left thigh has been on fire, it is intense and hurts REALLY bad. It's in my right thigh sometimes too, but, not as often or as intense. The right thigh is new, as of the past two days. The left thigh, I think it's been going on for a few weeks, but has gotten more intense that past week or two. I have the pain in my feet still, including occasional jolts of stabbing pain, but, the pain in the thigh really overwhelms the rest. Very little takes the edge off the pain, when I do have the edge off, I'm so drugged up I'm worthless anyway.

I don't know what's going on anymore. Oh, yes, nobody has a facility that can accommodate my girth for an open mri (and obviously a closed one as well). All we have is the x-ray. I did get referred to a pain management place, I've heard the guy is really good. They are still waiting on my referral but said I can get in next week if they have my info. I'm patiently (not) waiting. I did find out that the heat I have been putting on my back is a big NO NO. Who knew. After the neuro pain got so intense, I began sleeping in my bed part of the time this week. My back has hurt, but, it's not like it was before. I can get up and move, so far. It gets better quickly and I can walk around and stuff throughout the day. I've noticed that when I am in the bed, my knees and everything start hurting again. Apparently this is all related to the damaged disk in my spine and all of it is related to sciatic nerve pain. How lovely. Why? Why is it that I can't just be NORMAL. Why can't I feel better? Not only do I have constant pain, my mind is cloudy and I feel really off. I just don't feel right at all. I'm not even taking the strong meds all the time, I take ibuprofen and other things a lot of the time. Even when I try to keep up with someone (just a few years ago people were still trying to catch up with me when we walked..sigh) I find my chest feeling tight and feel out of breath. This is really sad. The one thing I always "took care of" and valued (about myself) was my mind. I feel like I'm losing it, big time.

I have my home and family to take care of, I'm a big part of a new business that is opening up soon, I am in a class, I am mentoring someone, and I can't even think strait! As I type this I just want to scream because the pain is so intense. Then I get really ticked off about it. Just now my husband asked me if I was ok. Apparently I am sighing about every 3 seconds. Him asking, of course, has caused me to start crying again. It's a favorite activity of mine lately. Why does it always have to be something with me anymore? Now, I swear I'm seeing spots. Really??

Ok, so, things I have learned. If you don't take care of yourself and put yourself on the back burner while you take care of everyone else, you end up hurting everyone. The term "let yourself go" should have been more specific. If you neglect yourself long enough, you really will get unhealthy and you really will have problems. All of that food you shove in your mouth through the years and lack of exercise, you really will regret it one day. When people act like they can't get up and they're in so much pain, they aren't always faking it. Chronic pain really exists and it sucks. All the jokes I made about my butt pulling my spine one way and my belly pulling it the other, aren't so funny anymore. You shouldn't take anything for granted. Nothing. I have also learned that I have an amazing, awesome, wonderful husband.

I have a very busy day tomorrow, with a must do "to do" list a mile long. I also have actual work I must get done tomorrow. I have a deadline for some of it now. I got some done tonight, during a brief period where the pain was tolerable and I wasn't drugged up. Neither of the doctors I have seen were in today, or for the next 2 days. I hope to see one of them on Monday, if I have to go out there and get that shot several times a week to get rid of the pain, I'll do it. I hope they'll give it to me, though I doubt it's wise to have it that often. It worked great when my sister was here, I wasn't tired and out of it either.

Ms X


  1. Yeouch :( Pain and our bodies giving out can be frustrating. I'm working to keep a good attitude myself, even though my knees have totally bailed on me and my doctor's front desk lady is just one nervous breakdown away from quitting (poor woman -- but the patients are bearing the brunt of it!).

    I'll keep you in my thoughts. It's no fun. I developed sciatica with both my pregnancies, and with the second one it never totally left. I'll be walking then I'll just stop and a startled "eeep!" comes out of my mouth. Disconcerting for onlookers, and uncomfortable for me.

    Hang in there.

  2. Sorry you are in so much agony. I hope you get some pain relief.