Friday, April 23, 2010

I'm back

Hi! I am writing this from my new laptop, I just got it tonight. I still feel sad about the old one, I miss her. The new one, it meets the criteria I needed it to meet, and it even feels good to type on. That may sound very strange, I am into sensory things, a lot. Typing on this just feels right to me, soothing even. We have "Avatar" on the big screen, I'm not paying too much attention to it. Some of the scenes are beautiful, I love the bright colors. They're gorgeous and vibrant. I'm wondering if there's a soundtrack, the music is peaceful.

Anyway. I haven't blogged much lately, but have had a lot of thoughts I wanted to write about. One thing on my mind the past few days is about my family. However, I honestly no longer remember who I've given my blog address to, and who I haven't. I never want to offend anyone, and I'm always worried about upsetting others. I'm still going to share my thoughts. So, if any of my siblings read my blog, you may want to stop reading now.

Growing up I was the youngest of 5 children. My three older sisters had a different mom than me. When she passed away from cancer, my dad married my mom a year or so later. They went on to have my brother, and then me. My parents divorced when I was 8, at that point my life changed drastically (but that's a whole different story). My siblings were 18, 17, 15 and 13 at that time. My 18 and 17 year old sisters had already ran away by then, though we always knew where they were. My 3 sisters were always very close to each other. They had their fights, like sisters do, but they were very close.

Ten years ago my sisters all had a big falling out. It was around that time that they all stopped talking to each other. It has been an ugly thing. The oldest lived out of the country for several years, and didn't tell the others she returned last year. She actually cut pretty much everyone in her life out completely. She kept in touch with me, and this past year decided to be my sister again, though I never knew I was ever NOT her sister. When she came to visit, she didn't want me to even mention the other sisters. It was very sad. The 2nd oldest sister actually seems like she'd consider reconnecting with the oldest, but, the oldest really freaks out when I mention anyone else. Neither of them want anything to do with the youngest (of those 3). The youngest actually cut me off a few years ago and sent me a nasty, hateful email filled with false accusations and evidence that she really didn't know me at all. She definitely has many mental problems. But, all of that being said, it all hurts me terribly. I saw some photos yesterday from when they were children, I bawled like a baby. When I realized yesterday just how raw and hurtful that is, I wondered how much it affects them, even though they try to cover it up? I used to pray about them all the time and spent a lot of energy on it, I have been so pre-occupied with the many other areas of my life, that I've just let it go. At least I thought I had. I also saw a picture with my dad in it, that's a whole other story by itself. I always keep in touch with him, and he has an open invitation to visit, but, I haven't seen him since I visited over 17 years ago. He hasn't seen most of my siblings in quite some time either, they've all pretty much cut him off too. So, obviously, I have a lot of unresolved issues. I really think it's sad that my sisters don't have each other anymore. It seems to me like they all have a big hole where the relationships used to be. I know I miss the one that cut me off, and I miss the way they used to be together.

I didn't mean to have yet another gloomy post, and I'm not even in a gloomy mood at the moment. I just felt inclined to share these thoughts. Maybe there's someone out there that can shed some light on things. I know I didn't give a lot of details, and maybe it was even confusing, but, it makes me feel better to get it off my chest anyway.

Ms X

1 comment:

  1. As long as it made you feel better...that's all that counts. Yes, you confused the hell out of me. That said, it's an easy task! lol I'm so sorry there's a should always be there...hugs to you.