Broken heart

My mom passed away today. This really sucks, a lot. She passed away 9 hours ago and I just wish I could fall asleep now and stop hurting for the night. Everyone who knew mom is broken hearted today, we all love her and weren't ready for her to go. Mom was ready in the end, her body had just been through too much. I wish she could have stayed a lot longer. My birthday is a week from today, last year she was here for my birthday, she was supposed to be here again last week for my daughter's graduation. So, that's the last time we saw her, a year ago. Please have all of her loved ones in your prayers today.
Thanks

Good grief!!!

Hi everyone, how is everyone doing? It's been REALLY crazy here and I'm really hoping it doesn't get any crazier! My daughter graduated from high school Thursday, that's a good thing. My mom has been in the hospital over 3 weeks now. Not a good thing. She has had a lot of problems while there, she needs a lot of prayer. She has been off of the sedation for the past couple of days, but has an infection, has had pneumonia, her kidneys have failed, etc. Good news, the pacemaker they had her on isn't needed anymore! It's been a rough ride for her, I'm praying she gets better soon.

My brother and his wife had moved in with mom (moving from state to state and setting up residence) a couple of months ago, before she found out she needed the surgery. Mom's boyfriend has been kind of losing it for the past couple of years and sits around not contributing in any way other than being cranky all the time. Literally, no exaggeration. So, anyway, my brother's wife broke her ankle really bad about 2 weeks before mom's surgery. My mom's boyfriend only has one leg and a lot of medical problems and (now) mental problems. So, the night before surgery mom's boyfriend was treating her badly and being nasty, and my brother told him to lay off, etc. They had a big blow out, the night before her open heart surgery. So, mom and brother went to the hospital together in the morning and spent time together before her surgery. Since she's been there, even while unconscious she would react to her boyfrien being there, her blood pressure would go up, etc. Last week when she was more awake, she'd get upset and my brother would have to calm her down. Mom's boyfriend's family hasn't been there to help him, bring him to the hospital, bring him to his own appointments, or anything. My brother has had to do it all. So, last week my brother was drunk, I know he was because he was a jerk to me on the phone (though he apologized later). I'm sure he ran his mouth, I'm sure he was rude to mom's boyfriend. But, he kicked my brother and his sleeping wife (who cannot walk) out. Mom's boyfriend's daughter, who had called me a week before and said she didn't think her dad was stable anymore, was there to help kick my brother out, most of mom's boyfriend's family, who never supports him anyway, was there, along with the police. My brother and his wife left without any incident. (my niece came and got them). So, when mom is all better, and out....she will be done with her boyfriend. So, anyway, there's been a lot of stress and drama with my brother, etc. He and I have talked at least daily about mom, she is our main concern. We both just want her to be better and are both having a hard time dealing with it.

Ok, so, back here on the home front. I've been having issues with my best friend/boss. Many others at work have been too, she's not been her normal self. I know, you should never work with or for a friend, got it. Anyway, I agreed to be her assistant teacher while she teaches a class this summer. Class starts tomorrow. She and I butted heads Friday over something already. I knew it was a bad idea and knew I'd end up teaching it, this whole thing goes against our original agreement anyway. But, I figured I'd do my best and just do what I have to do and teach the class for 10 weeks. I told her to call me so I'd know what's going on and what we're doing, told her I'd come out today and work (though I had no desire to do it) So, she calls today and has broken her leg, badly. Really bad. She is in the hospital and in a lot of pain, even on the meds that are making her groggy. She has surgery tomorrow and will be in the hospital at least tomorrow night too. Her office administrator has one week left and there is nobody in place to train. Another teacher is leaving in 2 weeks and there is nobody in line for her spot either. It's a MESS!!!! My oldest daughter and I both work there, my younger daughter and son will be there for the summer program (at least at this point). We all have to get up VERY early tomorrow and try to do some damage control and make things work. Yes, I still have the chronic pain, etc. I even went out and got myself a nice crispy sun burn this weekend. This ought to be fun! But, that's what you do, no matter what. Step in and do whatever you can for your friends. I have another friend that just had a hysterectomy and is in bad health that has to start taking care of children again tomorrow because she can't afford not to, there is no way I can do anything to help her during the day either. I have mom up there I cannot be with, this sucks! But, in spite of it all, I'm in fairly good spirits. Thanks to anyone that read this whole rant, thanks even more for anyone who is praying!
Ms X

Still here!

I realized tonight that it's already been almost a month since I posted. Where does the time go? I've really been losing my mind lately. Mom has been in the hospital for 17 days now. I talked to her late into the night the night before surgery, I haven't talked to her since. It's been really crazy. There is so much going on in my life and all I want to do is see mom, to talk to her. She's many states away from me and I cannot afford to go see her. She has been heavily sedated until a few days ago and is still pretty much completely out of it. Apparently most of the people in her life have made comments about how they can't believe it that I'm not there. I love how there are a whole lot of people that talk about me that barely know me. On my husband's side of the family there's a lot of that going on too. I know these people also talk about just about everyone else too, but, it still bothers me. Why do people have to be that way? There are people who want to know every move I make, the "how's, why's" etc. Not because they care, but because they are bitter people that want to see that others are unhappy. But, back to the people that are near mom. There has been some drama regarding her boyfriend, and regarding the hospital giving authority to his children, etc. I just want mom to be healthy and happy, that is my concern. Why are there others out there who don't have her best interest in mind? I feel helpless here. I've begun talking to my brother daily, sometimes multiple times a day, because we are trying to look out for mom. We're mom's only 2 biological children, and I feel bad for my brother because he has a lot of stuff he's dealing with right now. That includes a wife that just broke her ankle in 3 places and needs his help, and mom's boyfriend who has multiple medical, and other, issues. My brother has been drinking a lot, which is not uncommon for him. I understand that's how he copes, or..doesn't cope, depending on your perspective. It's difficult for me to talk to him when he's like that for many reasons. With everything going on, I am having to face SOO many demons. In my own life, I have work stuff I'm dealing with, and tons of other stuff. I have a bunch of medical issues, plus I've had a very upset stomach, etc since mom's been sick. I've lost more weight, but, since I stopped getting sleep it has slowed down. I've had whole days where I just want to run away from it all. I usually talk to mom daily. I barely talk to or see my hubby. My two best friends...one of them has a new baby and is moving, etc, we barely talk. The other, we barely talk because she has a new business, etc. I feel so lost and alone half the time. Another good friend just had surgery and has been very pre-occupied, I'm more concerned about her health and well being and don't discuss my own stuff with her. My daughter graduates from high school this week. That's a hard one to believe! Mom was supposed to be here and mom was so upset that she wouldn't be, so is my daughter. We all are. We fly her down every year around this time, and have been planning for a year to have her here this week. It makes the graduation very bittersweet. I've been very emotional lately and some people are afraid to ask me about mom or anything out of fear that I'll break down. I am very tired right now, and took several medications for the pain that make me tired, unfortunately, most nights I don't see sleep until 4am. I bought a good book today, not a kindle book, a real book. One I know a long list of people will be reading when I'm through. Reading and writing have been helping me in a way nothing else can. There have been times that I cannot focus on one thing long enough to read and write, but, when I can, it takes me away. I started a story, I should spend more time with it because it's a lot of fun and everyone I've read it to really likes it a lot. Thanks for letting me rant. I always appreciate the feedback, it makes me feel good. :) I hope everyone is enjoying the (almost) summer!
MsX

Happy Memorial Day!

Happy Memorial Day to all! It's always good to remember those who have fought for our freedom. I hope everyone stays safe and has a great day. :)
There's been a lot going on, too much to tell. My mom has been in the hospital for over a week now, she had open heart surgery 10 days ago and has had a lot of complications. I haven't been able to talk to her since the night before her surgery. She has been sedated and just went on dialysis and had a temporary pacemaker put in within the past couple of days. The nurse tonight said she's doing excellent. I believe she's going to be fine, up until yesterday I wasn't sure what to think. There are a lot of people praying for her. I look forward to her healing.
I've been on my new shot thing for over 2 weeks now and I'm on the highest dosage now. Having some stomach issues and stuff but I'm otherwise doing ok. What I find is that I just don't want to eat much of the time, I will eat only because I need to take medication or get my shot. That's not such a bad side affect. I'm down over 10 pounds now. I haven't checked in the past couple of days. I'm only down 24 from my highest a few months ago, but, I look forward to losing the rest of this weight quicker now that I'm off the actos.
I started writing a story just for fun, just something I wanted to do. I have shown it to only a few people and they are all excited about it and can't wait for the next installment. I'm having so much fun with it, when I do allow myself to work on it. Everyone is telling me it would make a good book. I'm not sure what to think of that. I've always wanted to write a book, that's like my ultimate dream. I know my blog is so boring that nobody reads it, but, my book is actually funny. LOL I'm having fun with it, either way. I also thought of two other story ideas that I need to play around with too. Actually, I pretty much forgot one of them because I didn't write it down at the time. Am I the only person who does that???
My daughter graduates in 2 weeks. How did this happen? How did my oldest child grow up, and when? Wasn't it just yesterday that I graduated from High school?? I KNOW I'm not old, it's just so weird. I'm planning to win the lottery here soon, then we'll have a big huge graduation bash. Then we'll fly to mom's and have a big "welcome home" bash for her when she gets out of the hospital. I really want to see her, she's miles away.
Well, everyone have a great Memorial day!
Ms X

good..and bad...side effects

Update....after I took myself off the actos I was already down a few pounds the first few days. I went to the doctor and told him that I had taken myself off the actos and why. He did a few things on his laptop, said "I'll be back in a few" and left for several minutes. He comes back with some boxes and stuff and says "I have a deal for you" (or something like that). I said "Is that insulin?" He said "No, it's brand new, just on the market, one of the side effects is weight loss". I said "Is it a shot?" He said "yes". Long story short, he put me on victoza. I read the list of side effects, etc. So, I have been on the shot for several days. Not exactly feeling well today, but, I don't know if it's shot related or not. I was down another 5 pounds 2 days ago. With the actos I just pretty much stayed the same while I was taking it, after the initial weight gain, and eventual partial loss that is. For months my weight didn't move when it should have been, except the times I forgot to take it for a couple of days. So, anyway, time will tell. Weight loss isn't supposed to be a side effect till the 3rd week. I'm still in week 1. Another good thing is that moments of really low blood sugar don't occur on this med. I am still on metformin too, in fact, he increased it. I have a fasting blood test in 2 weeks. So, just some updates. I thank those of you who are still reading my blog, I really appreciate it!!!
MsX

meds causing more problems?

Hi! I have a question I'm hoping others can help with. I went on my diabetic meds a few months back. Just when I knew I should be dropping pounds, I gained. I later lost most of it but then just stayed the same. When I KNEW I should be dropping weight, it stayed the same. I forgot to take my actos for a couple of days and lost a couple of pounds. This weekend I forgot actos again for a couple of days, and was down 2 lbs today. After the indulgent weekend I had, my weight should have gone up, if anything. A co-worker told me she was on actos and gained 30 lbs. I really wonder now if the actos is causing more problems than it's helping. My doc also added metformin to my regimen. A friend looked up both meds today for me while I was at work and sent me links. Both of them have tons of bad side effects. I've been in a lot of pain daily. I have been very tired, thirsty, hungry, etc. My teeth (or gums) have been hurting, etc. My foot pain has been worse, even though the sugar is lower. I had my lowest recorded reading today, 103. But, a couple of hours before it was over 200, which is high for me nowadays. That was when I decided to take an actos, so, the actos clearly helps. However, my weight is dangerously high and needs to come down. I've changed enough things to know I would normally be dropping the weight off lately. Since every time I forget to take it, I drop pounds. So, now I am concerned that it is keeping me from losing weight, AND causing pain, tiredness, muscle soreness, teeth problems, etc. This really sucks! I've been trying to change things about myself and have been working outside of the home 5 days a week, been more active, eating less, etc. I'm in constant pain, am worn out easy, etc. I'd LOVE to be able to get better but losing weight is one of the first things I need to do. I plan to call my doctor tomorrow. He's right up the street from my work, I hope he takes me seriously and can HELP me. I have too many things I need to do, staying fat and miserable is not on my list.
Any suggestions or advice regarding the meds? I'm thinking of staying on metformin for now. I've tried to do natural things I've looked up, those didn't work for me.
Thanks
Ms X

I'm back

Hi! I am writing this from my new laptop, I just got it tonight. I still feel sad about the old one, I miss her. The new one, it meets the criteria I needed it to meet, and it even feels good to type on. That may sound very strange, I am into sensory things, a lot. Typing on this just feels right to me, soothing even. We have "Avatar" on the big screen, I'm not paying too much attention to it. Some of the scenes are beautiful, I love the bright colors. They're gorgeous and vibrant. I'm wondering if there's a soundtrack, the music is peaceful.

Anyway. I haven't blogged much lately, but have had a lot of thoughts I wanted to write about. One thing on my mind the past few days is about my family. However, I honestly no longer remember who I've given my blog address to, and who I haven't. I never want to offend anyone, and I'm always worried about upsetting others. I'm still going to share my thoughts. So, if any of my siblings read my blog, you may want to stop reading now.

Growing up I was the youngest of 5 children. My three older sisters had a different mom than me. When she passed away from cancer, my dad married my mom a year or so later. They went on to have my brother, and then me. My parents divorced when I was 8, at that point my life changed drastically (but that's a whole different story). My siblings were 18, 17, 15 and 13 at that time. My 18 and 17 year old sisters had already ran away by then, though we always knew where they were. My 3 sisters were always very close to each other. They had their fights, like sisters do, but they were very close.

Ten years ago my sisters all had a big falling out. It was around that time that they all stopped talking to each other. It has been an ugly thing. The oldest lived out of the country for several years, and didn't tell the others she returned last year. She actually cut pretty much everyone in her life out completely. She kept in touch with me, and this past year decided to be my sister again, though I never knew I was ever NOT her sister. When she came to visit, she didn't want me to even mention the other sisters. It was very sad. The 2nd oldest sister actually seems like she'd consider reconnecting with the oldest, but, the oldest really freaks out when I mention anyone else. Neither of them want anything to do with the youngest (of those 3). The youngest actually cut me off a few years ago and sent me a nasty, hateful email filled with false accusations and evidence that she really didn't know me at all. She definitely has many mental problems. But, all of that being said, it all hurts me terribly. I saw some photos yesterday from when they were children, I bawled like a baby. When I realized yesterday just how raw and hurtful that is, I wondered how much it affects them, even though they try to cover it up? I used to pray about them all the time and spent a lot of energy on it, I have been so pre-occupied with the many other areas of my life, that I've just let it go. At least I thought I had. I also saw a picture with my dad in it, that's a whole other story by itself. I always keep in touch with him, and he has an open invitation to visit, but, I haven't seen him since I visited over 17 years ago. He hasn't seen most of my siblings in quite some time either, they've all pretty much cut him off too. So, obviously, I have a lot of unresolved issues. I really think it's sad that my sisters don't have each other anymore. It seems to me like they all have a big hole where the relationships used to be. I know I miss the one that cut me off, and I miss the way they used to be together.

I didn't mean to have yet another gloomy post, and I'm not even in a gloomy mood at the moment. I just felt inclined to share these thoughts. Maybe there's someone out there that can shed some light on things. I know I didn't give a lot of details, and maybe it was even confusing, but, it makes me feel better to get it off my chest anyway.

Ms X