Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Broken heart

My mom passed away today. This really sucks, a lot. She passed away 9 hours ago and I just wish I could fall asleep now and stop hurting for the night. Everyone who knew mom is broken hearted today, we all love her and weren't ready for her to go. Mom was ready in the end, her body had just been through too much. I wish she could have stayed a lot longer. My birthday is a week from today, last year she was here for my birthday, she was supposed to be here again last week for my daughter's graduation. So, that's the last time we saw her, a year ago. Please have all of her loved ones in your prayers today.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Good grief!!!

Hi everyone, how is everyone doing? It's been REALLY crazy here and I'm really hoping it doesn't get any crazier! My daughter graduated from high school Thursday, that's a good thing. My mom has been in the hospital over 3 weeks now. Not a good thing. She has had a lot of problems while there, she needs a lot of prayer. She has been off of the sedation for the past couple of days, but has an infection, has had pneumonia, her kidneys have failed, etc. Good news, the pacemaker they had her on isn't needed anymore! It's been a rough ride for her, I'm praying she gets better soon.

My brother and his wife had moved in with mom (moving from state to state and setting up residence) a couple of months ago, before she found out she needed the surgery. Mom's boyfriend has been kind of losing it for the past couple of years and sits around not contributing in any way other than being cranky all the time. Literally, no exaggeration. So, anyway, my brother's wife broke her ankle really bad about 2 weeks before mom's surgery. My mom's boyfriend only has one leg and a lot of medical problems and (now) mental problems. So, the night before surgery mom's boyfriend was treating her badly and being nasty, and my brother told him to lay off, etc. They had a big blow out, the night before her open heart surgery. So, mom and brother went to the hospital together in the morning and spent time together before her surgery. Since she's been there, even while unconscious she would react to her boyfrien being there, her blood pressure would go up, etc. Last week when she was more awake, she'd get upset and my brother would have to calm her down. Mom's boyfriend's family hasn't been there to help him, bring him to the hospital, bring him to his own appointments, or anything. My brother has had to do it all. So, last week my brother was drunk, I know he was because he was a jerk to me on the phone (though he apologized later). I'm sure he ran his mouth, I'm sure he was rude to mom's boyfriend. But, he kicked my brother and his sleeping wife (who cannot walk) out. Mom's boyfriend's daughter, who had called me a week before and said she didn't think her dad was stable anymore, was there to help kick my brother out, most of mom's boyfriend's family, who never supports him anyway, was there, along with the police. My brother and his wife left without any incident. (my niece came and got them). So, when mom is all better, and out....she will be done with her boyfriend. So, anyway, there's been a lot of stress and drama with my brother, etc. He and I have talked at least daily about mom, she is our main concern. We both just want her to be better and are both having a hard time dealing with it.

Ok, so, back here on the home front. I've been having issues with my best friend/boss. Many others at work have been too, she's not been her normal self. I know, you should never work with or for a friend, got it. Anyway, I agreed to be her assistant teacher while she teaches a class this summer. Class starts tomorrow. She and I butted heads Friday over something already. I knew it was a bad idea and knew I'd end up teaching it, this whole thing goes against our original agreement anyway. But, I figured I'd do my best and just do what I have to do and teach the class for 10 weeks. I told her to call me so I'd know what's going on and what we're doing, told her I'd come out today and work (though I had no desire to do it) So, she calls today and has broken her leg, badly. Really bad. She is in the hospital and in a lot of pain, even on the meds that are making her groggy. She has surgery tomorrow and will be in the hospital at least tomorrow night too. Her office administrator has one week left and there is nobody in place to train. Another teacher is leaving in 2 weeks and there is nobody in line for her spot either. It's a MESS!!!! My oldest daughter and I both work there, my younger daughter and son will be there for the summer program (at least at this point). We all have to get up VERY early tomorrow and try to do some damage control and make things work. Yes, I still have the chronic pain, etc. I even went out and got myself a nice crispy sun burn this weekend. This ought to be fun! But, that's what you do, no matter what. Step in and do whatever you can for your friends. I have another friend that just had a hysterectomy and is in bad health that has to start taking care of children again tomorrow because she can't afford not to, there is no way I can do anything to help her during the day either. I have mom up there I cannot be with, this sucks! But, in spite of it all, I'm in fairly good spirits. Thanks to anyone that read this whole rant, thanks even more for anyone who is praying!
Ms X

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Still here!

I realized tonight that it's already been almost a month since I posted. Where does the time go? I've really been losing my mind lately. Mom has been in the hospital for 17 days now. I talked to her late into the night the night before surgery, I haven't talked to her since. It's been really crazy. There is so much going on in my life and all I want to do is see mom, to talk to her. She's many states away from me and I cannot afford to go see her. She has been heavily sedated until a few days ago and is still pretty much completely out of it. Apparently most of the people in her life have made comments about how they can't believe it that I'm not there. I love how there are a whole lot of people that talk about me that barely know me. On my husband's side of the family there's a lot of that going on too. I know these people also talk about just about everyone else too, but, it still bothers me. Why do people have to be that way? There are people who want to know every move I make, the "how's, why's" etc. Not because they care, but because they are bitter people that want to see that others are unhappy. But, back to the people that are near mom. There has been some drama regarding her boyfriend, and regarding the hospital giving authority to his children, etc. I just want mom to be healthy and happy, that is my concern. Why are there others out there who don't have her best interest in mind? I feel helpless here. I've begun talking to my brother daily, sometimes multiple times a day, because we are trying to look out for mom. We're mom's only 2 biological children, and I feel bad for my brother because he has a lot of stuff he's dealing with right now. That includes a wife that just broke her ankle in 3 places and needs his help, and mom's boyfriend who has multiple medical, and other, issues. My brother has been drinking a lot, which is not uncommon for him. I understand that's how he copes, or..doesn't cope, depending on your perspective. It's difficult for me to talk to him when he's like that for many reasons. With everything going on, I am having to face SOO many demons. In my own life, I have work stuff I'm dealing with, and tons of other stuff. I have a bunch of medical issues, plus I've had a very upset stomach, etc since mom's been sick. I've lost more weight, but, since I stopped getting sleep it has slowed down. I've had whole days where I just want to run away from it all. I usually talk to mom daily. I barely talk to or see my hubby. My two best friends...one of them has a new baby and is moving, etc, we barely talk. The other, we barely talk because she has a new business, etc. I feel so lost and alone half the time. Another good friend just had surgery and has been very pre-occupied, I'm more concerned about her health and well being and don't discuss my own stuff with her. My daughter graduates from high school this week. That's a hard one to believe! Mom was supposed to be here and mom was so upset that she wouldn't be, so is my daughter. We all are. We fly her down every year around this time, and have been planning for a year to have her here this week. It makes the graduation very bittersweet. I've been very emotional lately and some people are afraid to ask me about mom or anything out of fear that I'll break down. I am very tired right now, and took several medications for the pain that make me tired, unfortunately, most nights I don't see sleep until 4am. I bought a good book today, not a kindle book, a real book. One I know a long list of people will be reading when I'm through. Reading and writing have been helping me in a way nothing else can. There have been times that I cannot focus on one thing long enough to read and write, but, when I can, it takes me away. I started a story, I should spend more time with it because it's a lot of fun and everyone I've read it to really likes it a lot. Thanks for letting me rant. I always appreciate the feedback, it makes me feel good. :) I hope everyone is enjoying the (almost) summer!